#1
I really didn't want to post this at first, but I guess I changed my mind. It's a piece inspired by the movie "Pi" by Darren Aronofsky. Being a complex movie, there are things that I tried to include within the piece... So yeah if you saw that movie somehow, I'd really appreciate if you'd take the time to get to this. I'll definitely return crits.

Bleed Away, I owe you.


Correlations, two hundred and sixteen...


12: 35 Restate my assumptions ;
Mathematics is the language of nature.
Where one and one can equal three
These are not just intentions for “you” and “me”,
It’s the final answer, the closure.
This pain in my brains only shows up
When everything intensifies, when I get
So close where I can extend my arm
And almost touch it, it intensifies
When I go too far, how far is too far?


5: 47 Personal note;
Everything around us can be represented
And understood through numbers,
The freezing point, the copper coins, the sunflower.
There must be a solution for that goddamn spiral,
When you blow out your cigarette, it’s motion, see
When you pour milk in black coffee,
The way we’re running circles while getting
Further. You. Me.
The stock market. Every Go game. All that chaos.
This headache. Pain. Pain.
Blackout.
Out.

11 : 43 Results :
If you graph the numbers of any system,
Patterns emerge.
And you see connections. Medicine. Crashes.
The Torah. The true name of God. Marijuana.
It was given to me, this madness, this ability,
The digits, this disease. When I was six my mother
Told me not to stare into the sun.
So I did.
Before crashing,
I saw the light.
And became aware
Of my own existence.
#2
I didn't see the movie, so maybe I'm missing things, but I think I got a basic idea of it.

A few little things - I hated "one and one can equal three" or whatever. I understand that it's in context hear, but it's still an awfully overused line and should be avoided like the plague in my view. "pain in my brains" sounded off, and "when i get so close where" is gramatically irritating.

I absolutely loved the second stanza. Beautifully written, redeeming a first stanza which was, really, mediocre.

The third stanza was also beautiful. I think that the final lines would be better without the line breaks. You use them so much that it just becomes annoying towards the end for me. That's subjective though, obviously.

I was really impressed, I've read a couple of your pieces in the past, I think, and always liked, but I genuinly took a liking to this and, considering I've never even seen the film that this is inspired by, that must mean something, right?
#3
I didnt see the movie, but my friend did and was all, "OMg amazing movie" and stuff.
but anyways, I liked it alot =)
sounds very complex
#4
Thanks to both of you. Yeah alex, I know stanza one is weaker. I'll try and figure out what I can do but there are some structure elements that i do not want to do without ...so yeah. I'll toy around with it soon.

As for the film itself, yeah, you probably miss out quite a few things...idk if you get the chance to see it, or I think it's available for buying on a few torrent sites etc (price of a rental). It's by no mean an "entertainment" movie, it's what movies should be, art. Yeah.
#5
I've never seen the movie so here goes nothing.




Correlations, two hundred and sixteen...


12: 35 Restate my assumptions ;
Mathematics is the language of nature.
Where one and one can equal three

Ok i didn't really enjoy this, it's pretty invalid and not because of the "One and one can equal three" Line, it was sort of just there you know, but maybe this might have a strong reference with the movie, ironically making this comment invalid.

These are not just intentions for “you” and “me”,
It’s the final answer, the closure.
This pain in my brains only shows up

"This pains in my brains"? I know this was put there on purpose, at least i hope. so it would be great if you explain this to me.

When everything intensifies, when I get
So close where I can extend my arm
And almost touch it, it intensifies
When I go too far, how far is too far?

I can see this having reference with the second and third line in this stanza but, personally, i didn't like how this was approached.


5: 47 Personal note;
Everything around us can be represented
And understood through numbers,
The freezing point, the copper coins, the sunflower.

This was great and may i add that i like the alliteration of 'Copper coin'

There must be a solution for that goddamn spiral,
When you blow out your cigarette, it’s motion, see
When you pour milk in black coffee,
The way we’re running circles while getting
Further. You. Me.
The stock market. Every Go game. All that chaos.
This headache. Pain. Pain.
Blackout.
Out.

This became interesting untill the beginning of the sixth line where things just became hectic and uncontrolled, in structure. The caesura wasn't done properly and it really ruined any possible flow that this stanza had.

11 : 43 Results :
If you graph the numbers of any system,
Patterns emerge.
And you see connections. Medicine. Crashes.
The Torah. The true name of God. Marijuana.

This was great i enjoyed this part, the full-stops were very useful to what you're trying to say, which is a plus.

It was given to me, this madness, this ability,
The digits, this disease. When I was six my mother
Told me not to stare into the sun.
So I did.
Before crashing,
I saw the light.
And became aware
Of my own existence.

I didn't like this bit of the stanza, it had not impact. The last four lines were cliche and didn't appeal to me.


Overall i didn't particularly enjoy this. It had some great ideas but it didn't have a substance, i know it's based on the movie, 'PI' but the piece itself had no structure, all though i understand that it's based on nature and everything in nature can be seen/calculated via numbers, but it could have been done a lot better and judging from your prvious works i believe you can do it.

I know my crit isn't fully sufficient because i didn't see the movie but on the basic content this is what i thought of it.

Thank you for getting to mine, and i'm interested to seeing what you'll do with this.

Take care,

Fred Temple.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 18, 2008,
#6


i haven't seen this, but here goes nothing....


Correlations, two hundred and sixteen...


12: 35 Restate my assumptions ;
Mathematics is the language of nature.
Where one and one can equal three
These are not just intentions for “you” and “me”,
It’s the final answer, the closure.
This pain in my brains only shows up
When everything intensifies, when I get
So close where I can extend my arm
And almost touch it, it intensifies
When I go too far, how far is too far?


I love the 2nd and third lines, great flow there, and clever rhyme. i don't like the reusing of intensifies in the last set of lines, and the last line reads awkwardly to me, but i like what you are saying.

5: 47 Personal note;
Everything around us can be represented
And understood through numbers,
The freezing point, the copper coins, the sunflower.
There must be a solution for that goddamn spiral,
When you blow out your cigarette, it’s motion, see
When you pour milk in black coffee,
The way we’re running circles while getting
Further. You. Me.
The stock market. Every Go game. All that chaos.
This headache. Pain. Pain.
Blackout.
Out.


Those first three lines are brilliant...and true. I love the way the last few lines work together...individually i wouldn't like them, but what you have done is quite clever, and it creates a sense of chaos. great.

11 : 43 Results :
If you graph the numbers of any system,
Patterns emerge.
And you see connections. Medicine. Crashes.
The Torah. The true name of God. Marijuana.
It was given to me, this madness, this ability,
The digits, this disease. When I was six my mother
Told me not to stare into the sun.
So I did.
Before crashing,
I saw the light.
And became aware
Of my own existence.


This is awesome. I love the way you adjust your meter and diction to speed up the ending, and I agree completely with everything you have said here. You did a great job...its why I voted for your piece in the comp, haha


sorry it took me so long to get back you. i had a paper due today on stupid theologians.

i loved this piece. it read beautifully, and the way you presented it allowed the reader to pull lots of meaning from it. since this is a terrible attempt at critting a great piece, i'd be more than happy to take a look at your next piece for free...thanks!

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
#7
Quote by circular.parade


I'm sure I owe you from some point or another, plus I've read this a dozen times and got something new everytime, so I suppose its about time I hit it. No, I haven't seen the movie... but I might now.


12: 35 Restate my assumptions ;
Mathematics is the language of nature.
Where one and one can equal three
These are not just intentions for “you” and “me”,
It’s the final answer, the closure.
This pain in my brains only shows up
When everything intensifies, when I get
So close where I can extend my arm
And almost touch it, it intensifies
When I go too far, how far is too far?

This started out so promising. I was with you up until closure, after that the technicality and, honestly, beauty of the writing go down hill. I feel this way because the first lines are so interwoven with the driving theme of math and stating assumptions... they work directly. Then, you take off in this direction of the characters personal problems and general strife with controlling the world and his pain. Sure, it was a neat twist on the "my life is PAAAIIINNNN!" but, it also breaks from the point of the stanza. You could have written this in a much more solid manner by using "stating assumptions" or general mathematical logic to explain this.

As to the writing going down hill, I think the ending suffered from a general lack of punctuation. A few commas and this would have read much more smoothly, specifically after "so close" at least in my head. Plus, your style loses its sharpened edge and almost goes into psycho-babble toward the end... which is not a transition in tone that I like.


5: 47 Personal note;
Everything around us can be represented
And understood through numbers,
The freezing point, the copper coins, the sunflower.
There must be a solution for that goddamn spiral,
When you blow out your cigarette, it’s motion, see
When you pour milk in black coffee,
The way we’re running circles while getting
Further. You. Me.
The stock market. Every Go game. All that chaos.
This headache. Pain. Pain.
Blackout.
Out.

Much better from a technical standpoint, you picked a tone and stuck with it, as well as picking an idea and interlacing it with the "progressing storyline." I'll go ahead and count the spiral as something I would get if I had seen the movie. A few things I didn't like... the coffee line, repetition of pain. The coffee line just didn't make sense to me... felt like it needed something else at the end. even a "like," to connect it to the next line could have been better. The repetition of Pain felt sloppy, in much the same way that Phantom1's pieces sometimes feel sloppy... it's like you were trying to force artsy-ness and emotion into something... and hoping htat if you say it twice instead of once, it will make it seem more profound. It didn't.

11 : 43 Results :
If you graph the numbers of any system,
Patterns emerge.
And you see connections. Medicine. Crashes.
The Torah. The true name of God. Marijuana.
It was given to me, this madness, this ability,
The digits, this disease. When I was six my mother
Told me not to stare into the sun.
So I did.
Before crashing,
I saw the light.
And became aware
Of my own existence.

loved this. Only nit-picky thing... would have preferred "these digits."


Despite the fact that I just wall of text'd you. I really did enjoy this piece a lot. Its much more tangible to me than anything else I've ever read, because my mind works in much the same way as the character you have described. I always think in numbers and riddles... and this put an interesting twist on that thought style.

Hope that was somewhat helpful.

-zC

*FakeEdit: I know I owe you, but if you are bored, comments on sunburnt penguins would be appreciated. If not, no worries.
#8
Just to answer a few interrogations.

I've been amazed by comments saying "this has no structure" etc. It's actually 3 stanzas based on the 3 acts on the movie. Each stanza revolves around one main assumption that the principal character bases his life on. Also, each stanza is 72 words long which makes up for 216 words total, which is the number the whole movie revolves around. Since the movie is based on mathematics I thought it interesting to include it to the writing. All that to say : if you think this has no structure, take the time to go for a second read.

I know some of the punctuation is off in a few spots, but I wanted to include the whole "panic attacks" in the writing. That's often how scenes end in the movie, so I tried to go for that with the first two stanzas, but I really don't know if it worked or not so let me know.

Thanks for getting to this guys, zach, I'll get to you, thanks again for the great crit. I agree with most stuff you said about the first stanza. I've been toying around trying to replace stuff but I've been having a hard time. I'll definitely get back to you
#9
Well, I think, that the first stanza is still weak. It just doesn't open the piece. You seem to dive into a moment. There's no start for me. I can see structure and relation between the stanzas thanks to the synopsis I read when I was voting in the movie comp but I still think the first stanza is too much of a drop into so many different things. The one and one sounds forced I'm afraid.

Second stanza pwns. The comparison between coffee/milk tobacco smoke is so true and so pure. Those two elements are so similar and you really pulled that off.

The third is what makes the piece.

IMO, this is one of the strongest pieces I've read by you. If you can keep in this route I'll be having literary orgasm every time I come on S+L.
#10
I really didn't want to post this at first, but I guess I changed my mind. It's a piece inspired by the movie "Pi" by Darren Aronofsky. Being a complex movie, there are things that I tried to include within the piece... So yeah if you saw that movie somehow, I'd really appreciate if you'd take the time to get to this. I'll definitely return crits.

Bleed Away, I owe you.



Just watched this film based on the fact that I saw it on play and it was cheap, and it was only a few days after I had previously read this piece.

Correlations, two hundred and sixteen...


12: 35 Restate my assumptions ;
Mathematics is the language of nature.
Where one and one can equal three
I find this line a bit weak. I mean, it's just not quite clever enough to be of any real interest, I don't think. I feel it doesn't really add anything.
These are not just intentions for “you” and “me”,
It’s the final answer, the closure.
This pain in my brains only shows up
When everything intensifies, when I get
So close where I can extend my arm
And almost touch it, it intensifies
When I go too far, how far is too far?
I can see where you got the fast pace structure form (as you mentioned, the attacks). I'd say it works here, in fact I'm almost willing enough to not make a big point about the double "intensifies". So yeah. I do like how you added in the maths (s'cuse the pun) it's another layer you can personally have, but the reader can't.


5: 47 Personal note;
Everything around us can be represented
And understood through numbers,
The freezing point, the copper coins, the sunflower.
There must be a solution for that goddamn spiral,
"goddamn" seems ever so weak. I mean, really, I felt it just did not fit. Can you not just say "the golden ratio"? Or something, it even keeps with your word count. "that goddamn spiral" seemed to ambigous when the movie is about the specifics of numbers.
When you blow out your cigarette, it’s motion, see
When you pour milk in black coffee,
The way we’re running circles while getting
Further. You. Me.
I didn't necessarily get this bit. Whether it's the syntax or the phrasing of the sentence, I felt like it was missing half a sentence.
The stock market. Every Go game. All that chaos.
This headache. Pain. Pain.
Blackout.
Out.

11 : 43 Results :
If you graph the numbers of any system,
Patterns emerge.
And you see connections. Medicine. Crashes.
The Torah. The true name of God. Marijuana.
To be honest I didn't like the religious side of the movie myself, I was kind of disappointed when it went in that direction near the end. I suppose the references here are needed, but for me it was the least enjoyable part of the movie, and so here I just find the references a bit off.
It was given to me, this madness, this ability,
The digits, this disease. When I was six my mother
Told me not to stare into the sun.
So I did.
Before crashing,
I saw the light.
And became aware
Of my own existence.
Gotta love that ending.


A very accomplished piece, Mat. I'm inspired to write some poetry based on maths, maths is also quite a thing of mine and i think it would be great to try.

Very nice, well written and your techniques were great. A nice piece to go along with the movie.