#1
This is a complex song. It's designed as four songs blended together, and the lyrics can be divided into two sections. But anyway, here it is.

Sitting.
By the pathway.
From the train station,
Every single day
And bathed in concentration
Calloused fingers, rusty strings, croaking.
Through weary throat.

The sun dips lower, footsteps grow softer.
Then no other sound, but beaten chords
The angry strings snap.
The groggy head falls.
Sleep.
Sleep.

Be still.
Try and think. About it. Or this.
Your eyes are closed, don't test it, plug it back into the socket.

Please stay.
In white foam. Through the night. And strobing lights.
Dancing on the tree leaves
Our senses deceived.

He prays:
Beliefmaker, string me a thought.
A hope that I'll meet her.

As he falls deeper into sleep
And perplexing paradoxes
Bloom into being.

Short sentences.
Fat bloodied fingers.
Wait for some respite.

He says:
No, please, spare me these scenes
Spare me-

Frightened of dying.
Science or fiction.
Afraid of living.
In limbo and waiting.

He mumbles through broken teeth.

And wakes screaming.
Rags drenched in sweat
Guitar drops from lap.
Heartbeat racing, but now it's slowing.
Takes deep breathes
And-

Sun shines brightly.
Sitting.
By the pathway.
Basking for bread.
#2
obvious failure is obvious.

not really.

its meh.
Acoustic Percussion Guitar Player
Quote by InvaderTSN
I can only poop during full moons.
#4
ouu thx for critting my song first of all... i kind of like yours, too. a lot. but i don't know whether i get the entire meaning... or what you're trying to say... could be cos I'm not a native speaker, maybe i'm just not smart enough- all i can really say is that i like the pictures and the whole atmosphere...and the meaning of all of what i understand :P exept the one "guitar drops from lap"-thing. that kind of annoys me...it somehow destroys the mood. maybe if you just wrote "my lap", "his lap" "a/the guitar" or something of the sort it would fit better. but that's just what I think anyway (i'm probably getting it aaall wrong). sorry i couldn't be so much of a help...
#5
Okay, I can't seem to edit it but if I can, I'll put 'his lap' in.

For me, it's an empty song. It's mainly about a basking musician (or I think so), and his dream and the way he wakes up. The main thing for me is the way it creates an empty, stark, meaningless atmosphere. It fits into my idea for the melody (spastic reverb-ish drums, thick slow guitar melody). That's why I posted it up.

Thanks so much for your comment.

And you really should stop doubting yourself so much. You gave a good critique. Thanks for that.