#1
man it takes a foolish girl to lie about the things she wants
but it takes a crazy boy to offer her his hand

and so what if i take it
this chance
just to fake it
am i so mistaken that i would just fail?

oh baby how i wish that you were here with me tonight
cause i know i can make you fall in love with me tonight

so hear me out
be my fire
steal my heart
my desire
worlds apart
but baby i can feel it now

damn it takes a miracle to put your heart in anything
but tears and fears don't worry me
her face is all i see

and so what if we take it
this chance
just to make it
are we so determined that we would prevail?

oh baby how i wish that you were here with me tonight
cause i know i can make you fall in love with me tonight

so hear me out
be my fire
steal my heart
my desire
worlds apart
but baby i can feel it now

X2

i wonder if this makes you smile
cause if it does then it was worth my while

oh baby how i wish that you were here with me tonight
cause i know i could make you fall in love with me tonight

so hear me out
be my fire
steal my heart
my desire
worlds apart
but baby i can feel it now

(this song is also in my profile)
Last edited by savestheday0288 at Feb 14, 2008,
#2
Okay, I took a listen on your profile and I was pretty surprised. You have an interesting voice that's for sure, and it that works well with your song. I won't comment on this as a standalone piece of poetry, since it was obviously written to be more of a popish song.

Obviously you don't re-invent anything here. My more prominent complains are : your vocabulary is quite bland in parts and you are using some old clichés. Let me develop further.

Stanza 1. "Crazy" is a weak word choice. I'm sure you could find something more powerful here, what do you think?

In stanza 2, the "take it"/"fake it" rhyme is just weak, writing wise. It flows well but it's a huge cliché. It works in the context of the song, but the feeling I had when I heard it was "oh no, not another one of these..." even though the music was nice and the melody quite hooking. You know?

Same with Stanza 3. I know many songs that used this whole "wish you were with me" "I could make you fall in love with me". Lyrics-wise, you need to find a twist of some sort to add here.

Chorus...well. To be honest, it reminded me of those backstreet boys back in the days. Fire with desire, apart with heart... That is weak and unoriginal rhyming my friend.

The rest of it is pretty much repetitions of what I covered up already.

I've just been quite harsh with your song, but let me explain. The song you wrote works. But simply because of the music and melody you had there. I thought your recording is pretty good, but if I would have read the lyrics alone I would have thought "Man this is crap". It is cute and all, but you pretty much covered up everything. I don't see you writing another song like this.... you know?

You have to get more precise in your writing. Talk about certain situations maybe? If you don't want to get into the details, then you will have to find a more original approach in order to hook the attention of your reader/listener. What will make people relate to your songs? Insert some metaphors and similes, comparisons, in there. Work on a crazy out-of-the-ordinary rhyme that will blow the mind of the listener. Not one that he has heard twice a day ever since he's started to listen to music.

Alright, I hope that helps. If you could get to mine it would be appreciated, it's called "correlations, two hundred and sixteen..." it's still on the first page. I'll edit a link if you want.