#1
Hey all-
This is my first original song... I wrote it in 20 mins and recorded it in less.. It's not a flawless performance but I'm happy with it as a demo. Inspired by a recent breakup. Plz let me know your thoughts.

URL:
http://www.purevolume.com/maxjordan

Click the song title

Lyrics:

There's a stranger sleeping in my bed
And I can't distinguish if it's a time-bomb or a body
But it's cold under the sheets
And I know I used to feel some kind of heat

And I don't know what it's for anymore
When our hearts have closed the door
And it seems there's nothing to live for...

Until...

There's an angel sleeping in my bed
And I can't distinguish if it's a memory or a body
...Or neither at all
Until I lock the photographs away
And I can look back at myself and say this isn't good
Hasn't been for months

And I don't know what it's for anymore
When our hearts have closed the door
And it seems there's nothing to live for...

Until...
#4
thanks for the feedback so far guys... I really don't see the jumper comparison but that's a hit song so i guess i'll take it! i'm gonna go listen to your guys stuff now.
#5
I enjoy the intro chords, you do have a rather nice voice as well. I don't really like the style, sounds to much like from first to last (gag, lol) but a pretty good song nonetheless.
#8
Really like the chord progressions in this, pretty nice recording quality too!

One of those songs that shows how awesome Acoustic Guitar and Voice together really are. I kinda like the quirky and unconventional way that the words fit around the chords. Don't know if you'll appreciate this or not but it's one of those type of songs that would fit at the end of an episode of Scrubs or something similar to that! I think that part with the high notes at around 2:50 will sound better the more and more you do it. Great song though mate!

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=787279
#9
I wrote it in 20 mins and recorded it in less


That seems about right. Not saying there isn't potential there. Just saying I think this is a first draft, and if you really like it you should keep working on it. Like, tweak the lyrics a little so that you get the right amount of syllables for each line. That sort of thing.
#10
Sounds like a jam session played with friends while drinking or something. Thats not a bad thing at all. You should just go back and give it a little more attention to detail. (spend more than 20 minutes on it)

I like the music, and I like your voice. There are some places you get jumbled up with the words, as if you're freestyling the lyrics as you go or something. If you work out the details, then this could all go together as a cool song.

Check mine out and crit please: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=785209
All my photobucket pics are dead so no links to my guitar build threads.
My Music
#11
I feel like with some drums and couple more instrument tracks, this could be the saddest song REM never wrote. Has that feel to me, so that Scrubs reference above rings true too. Good job, you could try just cleaning up the vocals and re-mixing or adding instruments/drums (maybe strings). Good luck in your revisions or future writing.

Here's mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=784645