#1
2047

Do you know what people did in the old days..
when they had secrets
they didn't want to share?

She'd make a ring with her fingers,
so I could whisper through them,
"Leave with me..."
Every day I would ask her,
but she never answered.

I sat in a train compartment
counting the lights as they flashed by.
Even if I can't feel it, I can imagine it...

I told her that in Singapore
you can tell what season it is
by the warmth of a kiss, the moisture
on a lip, the subtle urge to resist
its closeness to your skin, a drip of
mist pressed against your cheek,
but you never really care what...

Hours later she would cry a tear
comprised of rust, would smile with
decreasing lust, bite her lip and then
she would whisper "yes" into the air.

The air I was never around to breathe.

Do you know what people did in the old days..
when they had secrets
they didn't want to share?
They'd find a tree, carve a hole in it
and whisper the secret into the hole,
then cover it in mud.

One day I wondered why she would
never answer. I questioned if she loved
me or not, and so I gave up.

Because...
It doesn't matter what secrets you write,
everyone will read, but when you speak
of secrets, of admissions, of proposals,
and there's no one around to hear, it is like
you never spoke at all.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 15, 2008,
#2
Soooo I'm finally getting to this. It is excellent, so I'll be hardcore picky, mkay?
2047

Do you know what people did in the old days..
when they had secrets
they didn't want to share?

She'd make a ring with her fingers,
and I'd whisper through them,
"Leave with me..."
Every day I would ask her,
but she never answered.
Good opening stanza, great choice regarding the movie, etc. Second one was a little bland especially in the last 2 lines. It works very well and it's not bad writing but it seems like it's missing that one word that would polish it up a bit. At the same time, I was pleased by the simplicity of it, so my mind is pretty split here. I had troubles with the transition in between the two stanzas here. You go from third plural to third singular. It still works I guess but it really bugged me at first. It's like a sudden change in narration or an important ellipse, idk.

As I sat in a train compartment,
counting the lights as they flashed by.
Even if I can't feel it, I can imagine it...
Why do you start with "as" here? Either get rid of it or review the punctuation, because for now I'm having a hard time grasping the purpose it serves. This stanza refreshed the whole android issue for me here and brought some great moments from the film. Great job.

I told her that in Singapore
you can tell what season it is
by the warmth of a kiss, the moisture
on a lip, the subtle urge to resist,
its closeness to your skin, a drip of
mist pressed against your cheek,
but you never really care what...
Strong stanza here. "A drip on mist pressed against your cheek" had the flow somewhat disturbed for me but I guess it ain't too big of a deal. Wonderful job here.

Hours later and she would cry, a tear
comprised of rust, and would smile with
decreasing lust, bite her lip and then
she would whisper "yes" into the air.
Nice rust/lust rhyme. I didn't like "and" in the first line, I know it helps the flow, but it didn't make much sense to me. Especially the fact that you have 3 "and"s in each of the first three lines, it's kind of a run-on sentence. I liked what you went for here, as this stanza echoes your second one. Awesome correlation with the movie, where the scenes are similarly constructed. This is a big part of why I like your piece, the similarity of it's structure compared to the movie.

The air I was never around to breathe.
Stellar addition.

Do you know what people did in the old days..
when they had secrets
they didn't want to share?
They'd find a tree, carve a hole in it
and whisper the secret into the hole,
then cover it in mud.
Probably my favourite imagery from the movie. <3333

One day I wondered why she would
never answer. I questioned if she loved
me or not, and so I gave up.
It seems like you're just missing that small tiny bit here in between the two fragments of the third line. It could be so much better...could it?

Because...
It doesn't matter what secrets you write,
everyone will read, but when you speak
of secrets, of admissions, of proposals
and there's no one around to hear, it is like
you never spoke at all.

Saved the whole piece for me, in a way. comma at the end of L3?


So as a whole, I thought this piece was quite good, excellent in parts. However, some of it was sub-par compared to what I would expect. I don't know if you did put together many bits of writing or not after all, but if so, it kind of shows. Some of your transitions were very shaky, like I pointed out. A few punctuations issue here and there too, but nothing big.

If you could check my Pi piece, I would greatly appreciate it. I guess I'll put the link in my sig, since it's in the depth of page 3 or so atm.

Take care
#4
Your avatar is frightening.

Right, I've never really attempted to crit your pieces in the past, for reasons of which I'm sure are relatively obvious, but this seemed a little less obscure than your usual writing (and so I thought I'd extend some thoughts).

A few little things - it irritated me that you used "She'd", "I'd" and then decided to use "I would" at the end of the second stanza. Perhaps you have a reason for that relating to the flow but, with reference to how i'm reading it, it would be nice to sharpen that up.

"Even if I can't feel it, I can imagine it" is such a boring line. Couldn't you have thought of a more interesting way to say that?

I loved the start of the fourth stanza ("I told her that in Singapore.."), and it worked as it continued, but It dissapointed me a little, I suppose. The descriptions are quite beautiful, but when listed they really subtract from eachother. I was thinking maybe you could repeat the "I told her" again to break up the descriptions a little - I get that you're trying to get all the description in for effect, but maybe you could keep the jammed-in-feel without subtracting from the individual lines by repeating the "I told her" e.g.:

"I told her that in Singapore
you can tell what season it is
by the warmth of a kiss,
the moisture on a lip.
I told her that the subtle urge
to resist, its closeness to your
skin, a drip of mist pressed
against your cheek could... etc."

Actually, that's a horrible idea. I've read through it again and I was talking shit, it sounds fine.

I loved the fifth stanza. I hated "decreasing lust" at first, but the imagery of the stanza as a whole worked to such an extent that i changed my mind entirely.

That single line "Air I was never around to breathe" just doesn't seem to work for me. I get the idea but it didn't really have any kind of effect. Probably just personal (again).

The ending is killer.

I'm sorry that I've either offered rubbish or nothing at all, but I felt I might as well say something rather than remain in silence for years and years until I belong to nothing more than a can of lynx and a speedboat with orange windows.

I did enjoy how it was broken up, and the incompletion of stanza's was a nice idea. This is quite a beautiful piece, really. Oh.. "covered it in mud".. Do you really have to mention mud?

I'm gonna wait a while before I crit another of yours, but at least be content in the knowledge that I enjoyed it.
#7
Because...
It doesn't matter what secrets you write,
everyone will read, but when you speak
of secrets, of admissions, of proposals
and there's no one around to hear, it is like
you never spoke at all.

Awesome ending.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#10
Deep breath - here goes

Quote by The Hurt Within
2047

Do you know what people did in the old days..
when they had secrets
they didn't want to share?

I like this - and the fact you use it again later. Although I'm not sure if the next stanza answers the question, like the one later on does.

She'd make a ring with her fingers,
and I'd whisper through them,
"Leave with me..."
Every day I would ask her,
but she never answered.

As I sat in a train compartment,
counting the lights as they flashed by.
Even if I can't feel it, I can imagine it...

These two stanzas seem pretty solid, but I'm not hugely drawn into it - sorry

I told her that in Singapore
you can tell what season it is
by the warmth of a kiss, the moisture
on a lip, the subtle urge to resist,
its closeness to your skin, a drip of
mist pressed against your cheek,
but you never really care what...

Wow, this is truly beautiful. I don't understand the Singapore reference, but the rest is amazing.

Hours later and she would cry, a tear
comprised of rust, and would smile with
decreasing lust, bite her lip and then
she would whisper "yes" into the air.

There's a midline rhyme in there that I would usually expect to see at the end of the lines. As someone else said, "decreasing" seems out of place, I get what you're trying to say, but I can't suggest a viable alternative. Is the comma on the first line needed? "...cry a tear comprised of rust" runs beter for me. Up to you

The air I was never around to breathe.

Seems to capture that you weren't there

Do you know what people did in the old days..
when they had secrets
they didn't want to share?
They'd find a tree, carve a hole in it
and whisper the secret into the hole,
then cover it in mud.

As I said above, I prefer this version of the first three lines as the following 3 answers the question

One day I wondered why she would
never answer. I questioned if she loved
me or not, and so I gave up.

Is questioned the right word, "answered" seems to fit with the last line better.

Because...
It doesn't matter what secrets you write,
everyone will read, but when you speak
of secrets, of admissions, of proposals
and there's no one around to hear, it is like
you never spoke at all.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - wow. You've captured a sentiment that I would have haphardly stumbled through.


Thanks for the crit on Gloucester Road - I hope this crit goes someway to repay that

I think it's fair to say that you are a few leagues above me in this song writing malarky - hopefully I can try and emulate what you've achieved above in some of my pieces.
#13
This was very good. ... i dont know what else to say, sorry. But stanza #4 was completely beautiful. The rest wasnt far behind. Good job.
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Feb 15, 2008,
#14
"counting the lights as they flashed by."

For some reason this is the imagry that stuck with me. great piece
"One good thing about music is when it hits, you feel no pain."
~ Bob Marley
#15
Struck me as a completely different piece from you...this has some cool ideas that I think need to get more fully developed. The whisper into a tree and the mud line is quite epic, but it needs more, or it just simply doesn't belong here and can be used as the center piece of another poem, cause it has that much potiential.

Besides that, this for some reason reminded me a little of the movie Eternal Sunshine, with the whispers and the trains....and that not a bad thing. Sorry for the lame crit, but I like the direction you are taking your writing.