#1
crit for crit!
Not such a Fairy Tale:

(v1)
Near the base of your tower, a garden grows
the centerpiece is a beautiful rose
you watch over the rose, keep it dear to your heart
but you failed to prepare for the worst from the start

(Chorus)
Here comes Prince Charming, a dashing dark knight
slaying dragons and wizards, you're next in his sight

(intermission)
There is no town guard, no one to ring the bell
You are defenseless against him, so your tower fell

(chorus)

(v3)
There's the trampling of roses and burning the ashes
the closing of curtains and the flinging of sashes
bad timing of "angels" and the noise in the bedroom
the rose-petals were stolen, it really was too soon
Quote by Wilson
I didn't realize I was being transformed until I was in her kitchen wearing an apron and frosting her cupcakes.
#2
(v1)
Near the base of your tower, a garden grows
the centerpiece is a beautiful rose
you watch over the rose, keep it dear to your heart
but you failed to prepare for the worst from the start

Nice opening verse. For some reason, the minor repetition of the word 'rose' seems out of place, but the rest is great.

(Chorus)
Here comes Prince Charming, a dashing dark knight
slaying dragons and wizards, you're next in his sight

I like the first line, but the second line seems just a tad corny. It just doesn't fit the seemingly serious vibe the rest of the piece has.

(intermission)
There is no town guard, no one to ring the bell
You are defenseless against him, so your tower fell

I like it, but maybe use a different rhythm than the rest of the song here? Not sure what, but this part could use a little something to make it stand apart a bit.

(chorus)

(v3)
There's the trampling of roses and burning the ashes
the closing of curtains and the flinging of sashes
bad timing of "angels" and the noise in the bedroom
the rose-petals were stolen, it really was too soon

I really like this verse. I may be wrong, but judging by this verse, the piece is about a girl losing her virginity perhaps? And I'd change "burning the ashes" to "burning of ashes." It just makes it flow better in my opinion.


Overall, a really nice piece. With a few minor tweaks, I think it could be even better. Keep up the good work.
#4
Quote by Tizu

(v1)
Near the base of your tower, a garden grows
the centerpiece is a beautiful rose
you watch over the rose, keep it dear to your heart
but you failed to prepare for the worst from the start

The rose repetition is a little stall in the flow of this stanza, great otherwise.

(Chorus)
Here comes Prince Charming, a dashing dark knight
slaying dragons and wizards, you're next in his sight

Pretty good stuff, sounds a bit cheesy for the feeling its supposed to portray

(intermission)
There is no town guard, no one to ring the bell
You are defenseless against him, so your tower fell

Pretty cool.

(chorus)

(v3)
There's the trampling of roses and burning the ashes
the closing of curtains and the flinging of sashes
bad timing of "angels" and the noise in the bedroom
the rose-petals were stolen, it really was too soon

(where did v2 go?) Anywho, "burning the ashes doesnt seem quit right, as its not really...like...you burn stuff to make ashes... ya know? -- And yeah, i know a lot of my crit follows winter_sky's crit, but he/she got the ideas that i also felt, pretty much. And I agree it sounds like some young girl that got suckered in by a "stud" boy.



Good stuff, just needs a little cleaning up

Crit Mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=786828
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
#5
I like that. The language is good...there's good storytelling, but at a few points it feels sort of contrived, y'know? Maybe paralellism to the relationship? I don't know, cool subtlety maybe.