#1
I used to know the perfect way to make a certain into a maybe.
But that faded away with the knee’s to these jeans.
“What are you doing?”
“Writing down my last supper.”
I watched the cross burn to many times to remember the name that saved me.
I tried yelling at the sellouts in Hollywood but they can’t seem to hear me.
If I could give you anything it’d be a train ticket and a get out of jail free card.
I’d love to see your face again.
I knew you noticed me because you laughed like they did.
But you’re something else.
You’re just that imperfect girl that was there until I needed you.
You’re just that imperfect girl with the odd smile,
The silly laugh-
And the perfect girls loathe you for it.


Also, the title has nothing to do with the piece, I just had that stuck in my head and needed a title, so that's only temporary. If you have any suggestions for one, let me know.
Member #2 of the Mike Patton Worshippers club p.m. lalalama 2 to join

listen to metal.
Last edited by ydocytraccm at Feb 14, 2008,
#2
i love it. you are very good at writing imo
also the title reminded me of the lyrics from silver, a nirvana song
Last edited by theshroomman at Feb 14, 2008,
#3
Haha, I started reading it because the title totally sucked me in. But it's a really cool piece, I like the simple little stories with little meanings behind them. At times it felt like a bunch of different ideas where put in there. Also the first, and last lines are my two favorites in the piece, very cool.

If you're bored, and feel like leaving me a crappy crit (as mine probably wasn't very helpful to you [Couldn't think of anything to change]), feel free to:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=786828
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
#4
Im not gonna lie it sucked! lol, just kidding man, GREAT piece of work, you went from one end to the other in just one short poem, great job
When The Power of Love overcomes the Love of Power, that is when the world will be at peace --Jimi Hendrix

The roads of hell are paved with good intentions
#5
Hey I like... MOI
Quote by powerhead
Mentallica, i think you just made my drive shank crank

Quote by beadhangingOne


You sir, are a true hero.


Quote by silversoulcage
Dude, seriously, you're an ass hole. That place where **** comes out, yea that's you man.
#6
thanks everyone. if you have any suggestions for title names let me know, I'd be more than happy to change it. also if you want me to crit yours leave me a link.
Member #2 of the Mike Patton Worshippers club p.m. lalalama 2 to join

listen to metal.
#9
I liked this, some real nice images and ideas here.

One thing I noticed was that you said:

"I knew you noticed me because you laughed like they did."

Then you state that she has a silly laugh that the perfect girls loathe. I'm just wondering if the earlier statement could be changed so that there isn't a slight contradiction.

Overall, this flowed really well and I loved it, and there's something about the title that just draws me to the piece even though it's not related to it as you said. Really solid piece you have here...

If you could crit mine, that would be cool!

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=787956

Thanks, Martin
#11
Loved it.
Metaphors were easy to understand and deep all at the same time.

I knew you noticed me because you laughed like they did.
On this line I was a bit confused though. Did you notice because she changed from the normal to try to be someone else so you would notice her? Thats what I pulled not entirely sure if thats right though.

Religious refrence was outstanding

Not the same and loved and hated

really a great piece

-Ryan