#1
Hey guys, just something I wrote about 5 minutes ago. I'm not much of a songwriter, but i thought maybe i could get some critique and see if its even worth trying to develop my skills.


These eyes will see no more
This line is much too blurred
The light blinds,
You know the signs.
Call it what you will.

My sounds dance no more,
These strings are meaningless.
My works are gone,
No more songs,
Call it a perfect day.

The heart has gone deaf
to never awake.
Drown in the misery
of my past mistake,
Your hollow shell will
haunt me no more.
Return all my dreams,
and say nothing more.

My lips cannot move
These words are frozen.
Pry my mouth open
and reap what you sow.

Finish it off,
I dare you to move.
Lets see what you got,
Lets see just how low.


Eh. Could probably use some work. But hopefully its alright.
-D
#5
Man, I'm sorry that no one critiqued this piece. I know that can be a really let down. Anyways, onto to the crit. I thought this piece was actually pretty good. I really liked the tone of this piece, and I'll definitely look forward to reading more works from you. However, there were some parts that i think could use some changes. In the second stanza I would replace "sounds" with a more specific word, maybe "speeches". The third stanza just seems way too dramatic and kind of cliche. Also in the fourth stanza, the "reap what you sow" line see really out of place. The last stanza is good, however I would consider rearranging the second line to "Go ahead, make a move". I'm kind of nitpciking there, but I think the other way fits better with the tone of that stanza. Anyways, nice job, man.

Crit mine please
I Failed a Personality Test
#7
Haha, thanks guys. Its nice to have a little feedback. I'm usually pretty self-concious about my stuff, so i'm glad you guys at least kind of like it.
-D