#1
This is a scene I saw as walking across campus the other day...i knew i wanted to write about it, but i'm really not sure how i feel about the piece. crit for honest crit.
edited after bleed_away's comments
edited after circular_parade's comments.
edited after zc's comments.
will edit again when i shouldn't be writing a paper on 18th century theologians.
thanks all.


A forsaken tree sits upon
a frozen, barren field;
limbs undulating
in the wild winter wind.

The only adornment clings to a branch.
The hand-woven weave,
a patterned pink and white,
flutters like a flag,
providing a small flicker of hope,
brightening an otherwise dismal scene.

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
Last edited by roamingbard13 at Feb 18, 2008,
#2
Quote by roamingbard13
This is a scene I saw as walking across campus the other day...i knew i wanted to write about it, but i'm really not sure how i feel about the piece. crit for honest crit.

A lone tree sits upon
a frozen, barren field,
it's limbs undulating
in the wild winter wind,
while the deep rooted trunk
stands firmly in the frozen soil.

Very good description of coldness and winter. I associate it with depressing; nice start. Good alliteration on line 4.

The only adornment clings to a branch.
The hand-woven weave,
a patterned pink and white,
flutters like a flag,
providing a small ray of hope,
to brighten
an otherwise dismal scene.

This is good, but I would change hand-woven, as there's woven and you've put weave right after it. It's fun to say though. "Hand-woven weave." Another little alliteration.


I enjoyed the depressing scenes and ideas throughout, and the little bit of optimism in between. Really decent.

Take a look at my Untitled poem in my sig if you have time.

Mark
#3
Quote by roamingbard13
This is a scene I saw as walking across campus the other day...i knew i wanted to write about it, but i'm really not sure how i feel about the piece. crit for honest crit.


The only adornment clings to a branch.
The hand-woven weave,
a patterned pink and white,
flutters like a flag,
providing a small ray of hope,
to brighten
an otherwise dismal scene.


this part is a bit jumbled to me; may I suggest the following as an outline? :

hand woven weaves adorning (dismal, dreary, weary) trees
patterned pink and white they flutter
frayed in wandering breeze
of rays of hope they may have been
ligut upon which I expel my sins
though they brighten my day they do intend
into the darkness doth descend
#4
Quote by roamingbard13


A lone tree sits upon
Lets stop here, i don't like the use of 'Lone' it's a very overused adjective.
a frozen, barren field,
it's limbs undulating
in the wild winter wind,
while the deep rooted trunk
stands firmly in the frozen soil.

Apart from the first line this is really good, it had some good flow and it felt like it rhymed even though it didn't. Also it's, "Its limbs undelating..."

The only adornment clings to a branch.
The hand-woven weave,
a patterned pink and white,
flutters like a flag,
providing a small ray of hope,
to brighten
an otherwise dismal scene.

Ok i didn't like the line brake in the last two lines, it seemed quite clumsy.
I'm also not too fond of the line "...Ray of hope" but i'm out of suggestions so it'll have to suffice for now unless if you decide to change it, if you want (i might post back for further ideas). But otherwise this stanza was great, all though vague in meaning, had some convincing images
.


Overall i liked it but you need to find some interesting subjects to write about because this piece seems to reley on the descriptive side instead of the idea, if you understand what i'm saying.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 18, 2008,
#5
thanks for the comments.

i switched the couple of words that you suggested...save for "undulate" which was correct. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/undulate

i broke up the last to lines to highlight "brighten."

bard edit: i had another friend look at it, and she told me to conjugate the verb and lose the line break. so there you go.


thanks again.

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
Last edited by roamingbard13 at Feb 18, 2008,
#6
Quote by roamingbard13
This is a scene I saw as walking across campus the other day...i knew i wanted to write about it, but i'm really not sure how i feel about the piece. crit for honest crit.
edited after bleed_away's comments.


A forsaken tree sits upon
a frozen, barren field,
it's limbs undulating
in the wild winter wind,
while the deep rooted trunk
stands firmly in the frozen soil.

I can only suggest one change here : I wanted the last line to read "firmly stands in frozen soil". Enhances your alliteration imo and helps the flow greatly. Other than that, this was pretty damn well executed.

The only adornment clings to a branch.
The hand-woven weave,
a patterned pink and white,
flutters like a flag,
providing a small flicker of hope,
to brighten
an otherwise dismal scene.

"a patterned pink and withe" i was unsure. "Patterned in pink and white, maybe? But then in the next line you need it as a noun...oh well. I really don't know. Also, I thought maybe "brightening" instead of "to brighten"?


Overall, I'm sorry, I had very little to fault. All I could point are some changes that I think would make the piece work better, but it's still pretty good as it is now. Definitely solid material, great use of alliterations. Bref, good execution of a fun little exercise .

If you feel like leaving a comment on my piece entitles "Correlations..." (first link in my sig) that would be greatly appreciated .
#8
Overall, a nice snap**** of a moment that meant something to you.

However (I hate using that word :P) IMO some of the techniques grate a bit in the reading, like the alliteration of "Ws" in the 1st verse. Apart from this sort of quibble (and its a personal distaste for alliteration) I reckoned it was pretty good, I assume its a poem rather than a song?

C4C on https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=790229 ?
#9
Quote by roamingbard13
This is a scene I saw as walking across campus the other day...i knew i wanted to write about it, but i'm really not sure how i feel about the piece. crit for honest crit.
edited after bleed_away's comments
edited after circular_parade's comments.


A forsaken tree sits upon
a frozen, barren field,
it's limbs undulating
in the wild winter wind,
while the deep rooted trunk
firmly stands in the frozen soil.

I liked the way in which you set the scene in the first two lines. The imagery adds a lot, it made it very simple for me to picture the matter in my mind. I'm guessing this is a poem rather than a set of lyrics, however i'll comment on flow anyway. It seems to flow nicely, but i'm an amateur in that field, so don't take my word for it heh As people have mentioned above me, the last line seems to be phrased a little strangely, maybe this was for emphasis? I think the repetition adds something also. A strong opening stanza.

The only adornment clings to a branch.
The hand-woven weave,
a patterned pink and white,
flutters like a flag,
providing a small flicker of hope,
brightening an otherwise dismal scene.

"Flutters like a flag" seems to break the flow a little with the change in line length... I loved the descriptiveness of this stanza though. It also led on very well from the opening stanza, with little confusion as to the subject matter.


Overall then, I liked this, it was different from most of the lyrics i see on here, which I found refreshing. I agree with whoever mentioned this point before me, I really want to read your take on a controversial/interesting theme, with the same level of description shown here.
If you could crit 'A farcical blind shot laced full of temptation' in sig I would be very grateful. Thanks in advance.
Gord
#10
Quote by roamingbard13


A forsaken tree sits upon
a frozen, barren field,
it's limbs undulating
in the wild winter wind,
while the deep rooted trunk
firmly stands in the frozen soil.

Ok. This was either going to turn out epic or pretentious... your wording and style of writing, I mean. It came off pretentious to me in much the same way that confusius' pieces come off as pretentious. You just wrote in a quite verbose way, that you saw a tree. Was it bad? no, certainly not. But yeah. So, lets break the image down here:

The first two... I like them, sets a beautiful scene. I'd full-stop after field and then start the next line with 'Limbs,' just drop the 'it.' The next two... I also like... specifically the alliteration; it adds a sort of stuccato to the phrase that makes it singable but still serious. The last two... please get rid of them. You've re-said what you've said in the first two lines. You didn't even add to the image. We know its a frozne field, we know the trunk is rooted because you said "sits" instead of 'lays.' The repetition makes the piece feel like a chore... like when Mom and Dad both yell at you to do the same task... you're just sick of hearing it.


The only adornment clings to a branch.
The hand-woven weave,
a patterned pink and white,
flutters like a flag,
providing a small flicker of hope,
brightening an otherwise dismal scene.

This was better... you described an image, and made it seem like it had touched you in some way... I could see someone desribing something like this that they saw on a battlefield or something, if you get what I mean... tears flowing from his eyes or something. Anyways, let's dig in:

adornment felt clumsy to me... it was too 'obscure' of a word for the phrasing of this opening line. I'd find something else or use something more interesting than 'branch.' 'woven weave' was another repetitious feeling phrase... sure it reads like sweet honey, but it doesn't really give me an image... you could have used something mroe descriptive than "weave" because as it is, I'm struggling to see what you are painting... which is bad considering the image is the whole of the piece. I liked the rest of it... but it felt like it needed one more line. Something to close it, to bring the piece together. Maybe even a separate stanza with a single line that brings the tree and the "weave" back together... sort of tieing the images closer together and leaving the reader a little more awed with the image. As it is, the final line seems a bit weak, like an unfinished idea of some sort. I hope that makes sense.



I both liked it and didn't like it. I'm beginning to appreciate the "stillframe" poetry... but this one is still lacking something to make it stick out above the rest. Hope I helped and thanks for hitting mine.

-zC