#1
I was looking through a song book that i wrote about a year ago, and I found this. I have kind of mixed feelings about it, so I would like some feedback. If someone could help me fix it up, I would appreciate it.

Verse I:
sittin' by your bedside,
talkin' to yourself.
cryin' to your sister,
'bout your wounded pride.

calling at eleven,
whining 'bout your health,
how he's left you wounded;
how it hurts inside.

Chorus I:
weeping woman in the bedroom,
don't you cry no more.
I'm here to catch you baby,
waiting for you to fall.

i'll take you away gently,
carry you to a distant shore,'
sing you a lullaby,
'bout how things were before

Verse II:
cryin' on my shoulder,
need a friend tonight.
I'm here for you darling,
assistance I will give.

Abuse me and use me,
I don't wanna fight,
while fearing commitment,
lost the will to live.

Chorus II:
weeping woman in the shower,
talkin' like things are fine.
I know whats bottled inside you,
how it eats you alive.

I'll catch you softly,
we'll fly away from here,
don't care if you love me.
Don't you cry tonight.

Verse III:
I'm kissing you slowly,
there are tears in your eyes.
Your lips are forming words,
I don't understand.

Something I should tell you,
will you feel alright?
I think I love you,
darling don't start a fight.

Chorus III:
Weeping woman at the table,
your face in your hands.
Death can't end this feeling,
but neither can I.

Don't you cry tonight,
I still love you darling,
Dry your tears because,
it'll be just fine.

Verse IV:
Your askin' about him,
and he doesn't care.
A bad obsession,
that you can't deny.

Whisperin' in your ear,
something that you should hear.
This'll be over shortly,
don't you cry tonight.
#2
in the chorus you should have a progression of "weeping woman at the _____" put instead of the ones you have make it a progression from birth, through life, then to the grave

chorus one " weeping woman at the cradle
Chorus two " weeping women all around
chorus three " weeping women by my grave
#3
i like that idea, I'll try it and see how it sounds.


Verse I:
sittin' by your bedside,
talkin' to yourself.
cryin' to your sister,
'bout your wounded pride.

calling at eleven,
whining 'bout your health,
how he's left you wounded;
how it hurts inside.

Chorus I:
weeping woman at the cradle,
don't you cry no more.
I'm here to catch you baby,
waiting for you to fall.

i'll take you away gently,
carry you to a distant shore,'
sing you a lullaby,
'bout how things were before

Verse II:
cryin' on my shoulder,
need a friend tonight.
I'm here for you darling,
assistance I will give.

Abuse me and use me,
I don't wanna fight,
while fearing commitment,
lost the will to live.

Chorus II:
weeping woman all around,
talkin' like things are fine.
I know whats bottled inside you,
how it eats you alive.

I'll catch you softly,
we'll fly away from here,
don't care if you love me.
Don't you cry tonight.

Verse III:
I'm kissing you slowly,
there are tears in your eyes.
Your lips are forming words,
I don't understand.

Something I should tell you,
will you feel alright?
I think I love you,
darling don't start a fight.

Chorus III:
Weeping woman by my grave,
your face in your hands.
There's a Heaven above us,
don't you wave goodbye.


Don't you cry tonight,
I still love you darling,
Dry your tears because,
it'll be just fine.

Verse IV:
Your askin' about him,
and he doesn't care.
A bad obsession,
that you can't deny.

Whisperin' in your ear,
something that you should hear.
This'll be over shortly,
don't you cry tonight.

the changes are in bold. Anyone else wanna have a shot at this?

EDIT: in the 3rd chorus i think theres too much death now, when I was sort of looking at it from a perspective of looking at the future, and continuing with life. Can someone help me change hte last 2 lines of it?

EDIT II: So i changed those 2 lines, they're also in bold.
Last edited by Pastorius666 at Feb 15, 2008,
#4
I like its use in teh second verse of weeping woman all around; it generalizes to chics at large, but It may require revisioning in the first and third verses to fit more with your idea flow..
#5
i agree. But everythings in a rough form right now, easily changeable. I'll wait for more responses if any before i start drastically changing anything.