#1
You warmed my heart so much it melted
and now the ground is covered in liquid.
Puddles splotch the sandy floor
in supreme aquatic style.

Seaweed floats, like miso broth,
only without the tofu.
And I can see the sand dollars spelling out "I love you."

So we'll lock arms and tromp through the tide pools,
galoshes in action and slickers to match.
The sea stars smile, they're happy to see us
and the urchins aren't urgin' to spear our shoes.
And if they did, your electrical tape
would be just enough to mend things up.
We'll keep prancing, the fishies keep dancing,

and the jellyfish swim in the cardiac soup.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#2
Quote by K-Lizzle
You warmed my heart so much it melted
and now the ground is covered in liquid.
Puddles splotch the sandy floor
in supreme aquatic style.
Second line wasn't necessary. I thought it gave away too much information and I had gathered that from the first line anyway. They're quite cliché too. The last two lines, I thought, were great. The flow was great and I loved the description.

Seaweed floats, like miso broth,
only without the tofu.
And I can see the sand dollars spelling out "I love you."
I didn't really see where the seaweed came from, but all right. I had to look up 'miso broth', I had absolutely no idea. Last line was great, even with the cliché at the end.

So we'll lock arms and tromp through the tide pools,
galoshes in action and slickers to match.
Pure gold.
The sea stars smile, they're happy to see us
and the urchins aren't urgin' to spear our shoes.
'Urchins urgin', nice. I didn't like the 'they're happy to see us'.
And if they did, your electrical tape
would be just enough to mend things up.
We'll keep prancing, the fishies keep dancing,

and the jellyfish swim in the cardiac soup.
Whoa, first two lines here were great. I don't know if I like the third line. Last line was great. I'm not too fond of 'prancing' and the word 'fishies'. It sounds so childish and while the poem (song?) itself was cute, the childishness just didn't fit.


#3
It is a bit playful for my tastes but nevertheless your rhyming is quality and you has good use of imagery in your work.

your last line is undenaiably the best. "Cardiac soup". real nice.. Its liek the liquid blood love in which the jellfish schlub
#4
The last line is my masterpiece. I'm glad you guys liked it.

Miso is a type of Japanese soup. Every time I've eaten it, it's had shreds of seaweed and cubes of tofu floating in it. It's really delicious, Joris, you should try it sometime.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#5
I had miso at that fancy sushi shop just the other day .

Alright so. I haven't commented much but I've been reading your pieces every now and then. And I have to say this was really excellent. I won't bother to full crit because it would be a full praise. I only have two qualms :
Second line of Stanza one. Contrary to Joris, I don't think it gave away too much information, in fact, I find it could set up the table pretty well for the closure of your stanza. It's just the word liquid, I think you could change up for something more powerful, and strengthen your image even more here.

the closing line had great imagery and I understand your pride in it . But for some reason I wanted it to read "As jellyfish swim in cardiac soup" .

I feel the need to repeat the fact that I
absolutely LOVED this. So yeah, someone had a pretty nice dinner it seems
#7
I really enjoyed this. I thought the entire thing was really good. I was a little iffy at first, but as it went on i liked it more and more. Then i went back and read it again and i liked it from the start. I love the similes, metaphors, and personification. It really brings the piece to life.
and the urchins aren't urgin' to spear our shoes.
that line made me giggle. (idk why) All in all it was really good. Crit mine? Its called A Tribute To You (On This Valentine's Day) Thx. Great piece. I love your writing style. Keep up the good work.
#8
Well I see this has already been critted but one more couldn't hurt right?
Quote by K-Lizzle
You warmed my heart so much it melted
and now the ground is covered in liquid. This is a pretty overused image.
Puddles splotch the sandy floor
in supreme aquatic style. I like this.

Seaweed floats, like miso broth,
only without the tofu.
And I can see the sand dollars spelling out "I love you." I like this. I didn't really see the importance of "only without the tofu" though.

So we'll lock arms and tromp through the tide pools,
galoshes in action and slickers to match.
The sea stars smile, they're happy to see us
and the urchins aren't urgin' to spear our shoes. This whole part is so good. I love it.
And if they did, your electrical tape
would be just enough to mend things up.
We'll keep prancing, the fishies keep dancing,

and the jellyfish swim in the cardiac soup.I like this alot as well. The prancing/dancing rhyme was great though I couldn't really imagine the fish dancing too well. And a great way to end it on.


I really like what you did with this surreal marine wildlife theme.
#9
i'll start out by saying i liked this a lot. it was in typical k-lizzle fashion. i'm just going to say a few minor things.

Quote by K-Lizzle
You warmed my heart so much it melted
and now the ground is covered in liquid.
Puddles splotch the sandy floor
in supreme aquatic style.

i agree with Phantom that some of this stanza isn't necessary. i think if you kept it together as one sentence like "you warmed my heart so much it melted and now it's a puddle, splotching the sandy floor in supreme aquatic style." well, not that, but something like it would keep it in motion, so to speak. content-wise it's cute and a great image.

Seaweed floats, like miso broth,
only without the tofu.
And I can see the sand dollars spelling out "I love you."

some of the little things in your poems sound awkward, which in some cases i think add a certain charm. but in any case i think it would sound best if you elimated "only" and it was just "seaweed floats, like miso broth without the tofu."


also, i think you could have done something more appropriate with sand dollars, pertaining to currency or something, even though you were probably looking for something to spell out i love you rather than how the sand dollars function.

So we'll lock arms and tromp through the tide pools,
galoshes in action and slickers to match.
The sea stars smile, they're happy to see us
and the urchins aren't urgin' to spear our shoes.
And if they did, your electrical tape
would be just enough to mend things up.
We'll keep prancing, the fishies keep dancing,

good alliteration in the first line.
i don't really get the second half with the electrical tape. i'll assume it's a personal reference.


and the jellyfish swim in the cardiac soup.
good good good.


i threw a lot of subjective ideas at you, so don't take this too seriously.
great work, good luck with the gestation.
#10
Thanks, Geoffie.

And everyone else, also.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.