#1
in school we are learning about he holocost so i deided to make a song about it could i please get some feedback on it.
V1.
Take me away
All must stay
No food today
You will be our slave

Shave my head
Off to bed
Or you’ll be dead
If you don’t obey

Ch.
We hear the cries
Brothers and sisters die
We realize
We are despised
The furor lies
Why doesn’t he try
To compromise
To see it in gods eyes


V2.
Don’t you speak
You’re to weak
Why don’t you take a peek
At how it will be

None of you
Will make it through
Not even a few
Were just to sleek

Ch.
We hear the cries
Brothers and sisters die
We realize
We are despised
The furor lies
Why doesn’t he try
To compromise
To see it in gods eyes

V3.
Time to shower
Your final hour
We’ll have the power
While you weep

Feel the heat
Your defeat
We are elite
It’s the way it will be

Ch.
We hear the cries
Brothers and sisters die
We realize
We are despised
The furor lies
Why doesn’t he try
To compromise
To see it in gods eyes
Last edited by vacancy33 at Feb 15, 2008,
#3
It flowed weel my friend but the only thing that concerns me is that you say one thing in one line and then the next line doesn't correspond to it.

All though the subject isn't original i liked it, but you need to try a different rhyme scheme instead of the AABB rhyme scheme, but at least you didn't really have any cliche lines so congrats on that.

I liked it, keep writing and you'll get better-and we hope to see you here more often, to become one of our future regulars here.

Good Luck,
Fred

PS: If you want can you look at my piece, 'Number, number, weight, division', in my sig, just a short comment.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 16, 2008,
#8
wow, there's definitely a no bumping rule... which you broke. four times.

*reported*
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#10
i read your other 2 songs so i looked for more and i enjoyed this one too. it has kind of a metallica feel to it i think very nice