#1

I just lost my mind.
Last edited by skagitup at Jun 25, 2008,
#2
Ok, so i liked it.
The first stanza was a good intro to this.
The next 3 i really liked. I always like things like that that follow the same basic structure very strictly but with different words in some places... i guess idk how to explain it, but u know what i mean, u wrote it...
Oh the next one, i had to read outloud cuz it flowed really cool. It was probably due to the constant internal rhyming. One problem with it. "with no King" i have no idea what u meant, but shouldnt u want a queen, not a king? Why dont u say "alone with no kin"? Just kin.
And then the last last ones were whatever to me. I didnt necessaraly like them, but its ok...

Mine is in sig if u can. plz. its short, trust me. thnx.
#3
seems like you havent done substantial research on the subject. Very surface. Very little things that would link it to a personal level/emotional level for your audience imo.

That rhyming was fairly well done though, if not a little excesive.

Dont get me wrong, its a solid piece. But it just could be so much more.
#4
Quote by #1 synth
seems like you havent done substantial research on the subject. Very surface. Very little things that would link it to a personal level/emotional level for your audience imo.

That rhyming was fairly well done though, if not a little excesive.

Dont get me wrong, its a solid piece. But it just could be so much more.


Cheers for the comments.

This isn't really meant to be a masterpiece. Just a fun little nutty thing i did in a few minutes.

I'd be lying if I said I understood what you meant about research. Is there really any amount of research one can do about something like this, let alone a substancial amount? What or who do you suppose I research? Pete Sampras?

It didn't even have a topic until the end... I was just making it up as I went along, deeming it near impossible to put any kind of effort into researching a topic which is ficticious.

Perhaps I should read it and decide what it's about.

EDIT: It looks like I'm getting defensive or something. I'm not. I would agree with you if you just said "this isn't very good", but I didn't really understand what you meant (this may be down to a personal stupidity or perhaps such narrow mindedness on my half that I must be locked immediatly in a cage and fed cocoa through the chocolate bars). Either way, I'd be thrilled to such an extent that I could quite possibly have a heart attack if you would be so kind as to elaborate a little.
Last edited by skagitup at Feb 15, 2008,
#5
I don't understand Dylan's remark either, although it applies to a significant amount of pieces on this board.

As for your piece, (alex? right?for some reason I had kyle in mind...) I have to say that I disliked it. Let me explain myself quickly : The whole season context was just thrown in and you had little to no twist in order to make it interesting. You went for internal rhyming which is a good idea but some of it was just plain forced. No kin? metaphorical bin, could work in other contexts but here you just thrown them in there. "and thus not turning blind", etc...

The piece seemed distant towards itself, which is explained by the fact that you didn't even know what it was about? however, the themes that you had going on there would need some kind of emotional involvement, may it be just a tiny bit of it.

Stanza three was my favourite.

You definitely need to work on this =/. If you want me to take it stanza by stanza and point everything that imo is out of place, then say so, but I'm just not sure as of now if it would be helpful or not.

Sorry for the harshness .
If you could take a look at mine, that would be pretty appreciated, correlations, in my sig.


Thanks.
Mat
#6
Hell no, don't bother with a stanza-by-stanza. I don't really know why I posted this. I just did it in a few minutes and put it up because I haven't done anything for a while. You're right, the seasons were just thrown in as was everything else. This is about nothing. This is a poem about wearing a polo shirt and slacks at a family barbecue.

Don't be sorry for the harshness, that's exactly what people are here for.

So yes, you're right, yes, my name's Alex and yes, I will certainly look at your piece.

My next piece is going to be quite a lot better than this.
Last edited by skagitup at Feb 15, 2008,