#1
c4c. OTS, slight alterations, looking for more crits!
watched this film at the weekend, most of you will be familiar with it. Just thought I'd use some of the things in the movie/book to symbolise what I feel about life.

Something Is As Something Does (not finalized the title)


Like mama said…

Shrimps glide through the murky waters, as a white feather
From a dove, perched on the gate above, drops to the ground.
On the nearest park bench by the pond,
Forrest mourns over what’s left of
Jenny's existence.

Unconsciously rummaging through opaque atmospheres,
From Vietnam to Greenbow,
For some things that are non-existent. But somehow,
they end up writhing their way through to land
right at your feet.

I'm always marooned with scarcity,
and the thimble full that exists continues to cease before my eyes.

For as much as I want to feel it exist,
Experience is reluctant.
All that stands for this infrequent fate
Is this pink self-deprecating surrealism.
Love is as unstable as that alcoholics dignity
after war.

And for as much as I know it exists,
It arrives at the most awkward times.
Obscure as it is, it still survives…for we should all know,
It’s which road we walk, which beach we lay by
And whom we rest there with that lead us on
to our next adventure.

So as it falls to your humble feet,
Catch it with callousness, not to make up for your lack of health,
But because years later when you’re packing Forrest’s lunchbox,
You’ll find that it concealed
More than just a box of chocolates.
Last edited by martinb at Feb 17, 2008,
#2
Quote by martinb
c4c. OTS, no alterations cause i'm really tired atm. and just got my mock results back /yawn

watched this film at the weekend, most of you will be familiar with it. Just thought I'd use some of the things in the movie/book to symbolise what I feel about life.
Good film choice


Like mama said…

Shrimps glide through the murky waters as a white feather
From a dove, perched on the gate above, drops to the ground.
Could use a comma after 'waters'. Good rhyming with dove/above
On the nearest park bench by the pond,
Forrest mourns over what’s left of
Jenny’s existence.
Maybe instead of using names you could just describe them. People not familiar with the film would not know Jenny's relationship to Forrest. Just a suggestion

Unconsciously rummaging through opaque atmospheres,
From Vietnam to Greenbow,
For some things that are non-existent but, somehow,
Manage to writhe their way through and land
at your feet.
Really like this section. Though if you are rummaging through for something, it's unlikely it's just going to land at your feet! haha

For as much as I want to feel it exist
Experience is reluctant.
All that stands for this infrequent fate
Is this pink self-deprecating surrealism.
Love spins around as much as Bubba feels at all.
Last line doesn't make much sense to me, sorry. I love how you used 'pink' here!

And for as much as I know it exists,
It arrives at the most awkward times.
Obscure as it is, it still survives…for we should all know,
It’s which road we walk, which beach we lay by
And whom we rest there with that lead us on
to our next adventure.
Beautiful

So as it falls to your humble feet,
Catch it with callousness, not to make up for your health,
But because years later when you’re packing Forrest’s lunchbox,
You’ll find that it concealed
More than just a box of chocolates.
Good strong ending, except the second part of line two, which I don't quite get


Where's captain Dan! haha
#3
Love is as unstable as that alcoholics dignity
after war.

loved that line. that entire stanza was great, but that line really stood out to me. great work.
Member #2 of the Mike Patton Worshippers club p.m. lalalama 2 to join

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#4
Thanks for my crit by the way. It really helped a lot. Anyway, here's my crit.

As i first started reading i got a little bored. But then i got to the second stanza and my entire mindset changed. This is really well written and i like the imagery and metaphors.

Love is as unstable as that alcoholics dignity
after war.
Definately the best line of the entire thing.
All in all its a really great piece and i really enjoyed it. Keep up the good work.

P.S. I [was] thinking to make those lines more in the background. They are sung kind of like the end of the song Valentine's Day by Linkin Park except on different notes. Thx for the crit. Great piece. I really enjoyed it. Keep up the good work.
#5
Quote by martinb
c4c. OTS, no alterations cause i'm really tired atm. and just got my mock results back /yawn

watched this film at the weekend, most of you will be familiar with it. Just thought I'd use some of the things in the movie/book to symbolise what I feel about life.

Something Is As Something Does (not finalized the title)


Like mama said…

Shrimps glide through the murky waters, as a white feather
From a dove, perched on the gate above, drops to the ground.
On the nearest park bench by the pond,
Forrest mourns over what’s left of
Jenny's existence.

Unconsciously rummaging through opaque atmospheres,
From Vietnam to Greenbow,
For some things that are non-existent. But somehow,
they end up writhing their way through to land
right at your feet.

I'm always marooned with scarcity,
and the thimble full that exists continues to cease before my eyes.

For as much as I want to feel it exist,
Experience is reluctant.
All that stands for this infrequent fate
Is this pink self-deprecating surrealism.
Love is as unstable as that alcoholics dignity
after war.

And for as much as I know it exists,
It arrives at the most awkward times.
Obscure as it is, it still survives…for we should all know,
It’s which road we walk, which beach we lay by
And whom we rest there with that lead us on
to our next adventure.

So as it falls to your humble feet,
Catch it with callousness, not to make up for your lack of health,
But because years later when you’re packing Forrest’s lunchbox,
You’ll find that it concealed
More than just a box of chocolates.



I like the first line, that rhyming with "Dove" and "above" is really clever. Is the movie you're talking about Forrest Gump? I haven't seen it........haha
I like this too, "I'm always marooned with scarcity,
and the thimble full that exists continues to cease before my eyes." Nice sounding, but kind of...Cryptic? At the same time.

The last 2 stanzas are my favorites, I think. Overall, I don't think there's anything I'd really change about this, I liked it. Props, also, for taking the idea of a movie and taking it and kind of turning it into your own, with your own beliefs and such. I don't think I could do that. Haha.
I'd say an 8.9/10 for this. Good job, man. Flows much better than most of my stuff haha.
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#6
Yeah the movie is Forrest Gump, sorry if you haven't seen it, it may read a little vague.

Never tried anything like this before, reasonably new to songwriting/constructing poems, especially seeing as it's inspiration from a film.

I'm working on revising it now, thanks for your crits, gimme a shout if I owe you a crit and i'll get on it!

Thanks! Martin
#7
Wow this is very surrelistic. You used some strong vocabulary and the piece as a whole is very intriguing to say the least but in more than one occasions it felt like, momentaraily you went out of topic, and that's what crippled this piece. To be more constructive it'll be best to tell you about the context.

Maybe you could make it flow better because for its length it need something to lubricate it, you might say.

To be honest i think i might understand this and be able to help you if you told me its meaning.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 17, 2008,
#8
Hey thanks.

This piece is really outstanding. I love your flow and I love your word choice.

I really love stanza two.
I can't find anything wrong with your piece.
The feel it gives you as you read it is one that is sort of hard to achieve.
Good work.

:]
#9
thanks for the crit, martin.

i'll come back and do a full crit of this later/tomorrow. pm me if i forget, tho...

ray
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#10
Quote by martinb
c4c. OTS, no alterations cause i'm really tired atm. and just got my mock results back /yawn

watched this film at the weekend, most of you will be familiar with it. Just thought I'd use some of the things in the movie/book to symbolise what I feel about life.

Something Is As Something Does (not finalized the title)


Like mama said…

Shrimps glide through the murky waters, as a white feather
From a dove, perched on the gate above, drops to the ground.
On the nearest park bench by the pond,
Forrest mourns over what’s left of
Jenny's existence.

Unconsciously rummaging through opaque atmospheres,
From Vietnam to Greenbow,
For some things that are non-existent. But somehow,
they end up writhing their way through to land
right at your feet.

I'm always marooned with scarcity,
and the thimble full that exists continues to cease before my eyes.

For as much as I want to feel it exist,
Experience is reluctant.
All that stands for this infrequent fate
Is this pink self-deprecating surrealism.
Love is as unstable as that alcoholics dignity
after war.

And for as much as I know it exists,
It arrives at the most awkward times.
Obscure as it is, it still survives…for we should all know,
It’s which road we walk, which beach we lay by
And whom we rest there with that lead us on
to our next adventure.

So as it falls to your humble feet,
Catch it with callousness, not to make up for your lack of health,
But because years later when you’re packing Forrest’s lunchbox,
You’ll find that it concealed
More than just a box of chocolates.

this is beautiful
the imagery, the connections, the rhyming
reminds me of like blinded by the light or like a rolling stonne
#11
Beautiful piece man. I also loved the line 'Love is as unstable as that alcoholics dignity
after war' it's truly amazing. I haven't seen the movie, so I'm guessing that it won't make total sense to me until I see it. Sometimes it didn't feel as if it was going somewhere, but this is probably because I haven't seen the movie. The starting and ending verses were simply amazing.

Thanks for critting mine, sorry I wasn't able to equally crit yours back
The Pit. The Movie.
#12
Quote by martinb
Like mama said…

Shrimps glide through the murky waters, as a white feather
From a dove, perched on the gate above, drops to the ground.
On the nearest park bench by the pond,
Forrest mourns over what’s left of
Jenny's existence.

The first 3 lines are really good and would stand up by themselves without the FG background.

Unconsciously rummaging through opaque atmospheres,
From Vietnam to Greenbow,
For some things that are non-existent. But somehow,
they end up writhing their way through to land
right at your feet.

The first line is well crafted, very nicely balanced and good flow. I'm less keen on "writhing", but still a strong stanza.

I'm always marooned with scarcity,
and the thimble full that exists continues to cease before my eyes.

For as much as I want to feel it exist,
Experience is reluctant.
All that stands for this infrequent fate
Is this pink self-deprecating surrealism.
Love is as unstable as that alcoholics dignity
after war.

Personally I'd let the above 8 lines into one stanza, or split it into two 4 line stanzas. "self-deprecating surrealism" is nice, but I'm not sure about the hanging "after war" line - sorry

And for as much as I know it exists,
It arrives at the most awkward times. I think everyone should be able to relate to this sentiment - I know I most definitely can
Obscure as it is, it still survives…for we should all know,
It’s which road we walk, which beach we lay by
And whom we rest there with that lead us on
to our next adventure.

Another good stanza, that would standup without the FG background. I struggled through the last two lines of this stanza though. It didn't flow as nicely as other lines.

So as it falls to your humble feet,
Catch it with callousness, not to make up for your lack of health,
But because years later when you’re packing Forrest’s lunchbox,
You’ll find that it concealed
More than just a box of chocolates.


Some good vocabularly, but tbh I was never that keen on the film and I find this a bit obscure because of that. Don't get me wrong, it's a good piece, but my heart's not in this so my crit may not be as impartial as I'd like.

The ending isn't quite what I was expecting. The piece would standup by itself without the obvious FG references - personally I think it would be better without them, but that's for my reason above.

Thanks for the crit on my piece.
#13
As a whole this is a very strong piece, the vocabulary is there, the imagery is there (no doubt helped by the fact most people have seen this film) and you structured it in a way which got the message across, i thought the last stanza particularly hit it home.

The one area i feel it lacked slightly was flow, due to the choice of words sometimes i felt myself stumbling a little over them, which affected the read. But this is a minor point which i'm sure is entirely a matter of opinion and maybe the piece wouldn't have the same effect if it lacked the heavy wording.

I also thought the title was kind of weak and i think the "Like mama said..." was quite unnecessary. But as i already said, this is still a strong piece, with a few revisions there would be little to pick at.

Thanks for your thoughts on my piece, i appreciate it.
#14
"To be honest i think i might understand this and be able to help you if you told me its meaning."

Right, here goes...


Like mama said…

Shrimps glide through the murky waters, as a white feather
From a dove, perched on the gate above, drops to the ground.
On the nearest park bench by the pond,
Forrest mourns over what’s left of
Jenny's existence.
This is when the feather drops to Forrests foot, while he's sitting on the bench reminiscing over times.

I tried to use enjambment with "Jenny's existence" to show how little there was of it left.
The feather will be brought up later, it's a really important symbol.


Unconsciously rummaging through opaque atmospheres,
This is more personal, it's about me always trying to find things like inspiration and love, fate etc.

Unconsciously is used as I'm not aware of doing it until after serious thought and time.

From Vietnam to Greenbow,
This is about Forrest striding from hometown of Greenbow to Vietnam, I believe he's unaware that he is looking for something.
For some things that are non-existent. But somehow,
they end up writhing their way through to land
right at your feet.
This is touching on the feather, I will pick up on this later.

I'm always marooned with scarcity,
and the thimble full that exists continues to cease before my eyes.
This is about the little love/inspiration I have is always fading away.

For as much as I want to feel it exist,
Experience is reluctant.
This is about love, experience isn't letting me say that it exists...
All that stands for this infrequent fate
Is this pink self-deprecating surrealism.
and the only thing, in my experience, is a fake "love" day, Valentines, and seeing other couples.
Love is as unstable as that alcoholics dignity
after war.
Touching on the unstability of love for me, relating to the alcoholic after war in Forrest Gump.

And for as much as I know it exists,
It arrives at the most awkward times.
This is about inspiration for me, but can also be related to love
Obscure as it is, it still survives…for we should all know,
It’s which road we walk, which beach we lay by
And whom we rest there with that lead us on
to our next adventure.
These four lines relate to how inspiration hits Forrest, after they walk down the road, are attacked, he carries the injured to the beach, and sees his best friend Bubba die, after promising to be his shrimp buisness partner.

This is when Forrest goes off to make his new buisness, as he wants to keep his promise.

This can also be related to love, and inspiration. I believe you can find inspiration, but it depends where you are and who you're with, just like love depends on the time and the right person, this leads you on to a new adventure.


So as it falls to your humble feet,
Catch it with callousness, not to make up for your lack of health,
But because years later when you’re packing Forrest’s lunchbox,
You’ll find that it concealed
More than just a box of chocolates.
"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one you're gonna get" - Well Forrest got them all, that's why I finish with this line.

I symbolise the feather as everything Forrest has achieved, as it fell to his foot, he caught it, put it in his book...years later, he packed his sons lunchbox and sent him off to school, and found the feather fall out his book to the same foot, so I believe this was a sign that the feather had everything that Forrest wanted all along.


It's pretty personal and there's stuff I haven't picked up on, but I would love to hear from you again Bleed Away, and anyone else, I feel like you can contribute to this piece a lot.

Thanks, Martin
Last edited by martinb at Feb 17, 2008,
#15
Wow,
this is an incredible piece it really is. It has been very well constructed and cleverly written. There isnt much about this piece and things i have seen the others have told you. But i diffently see forrest gump through this piece.
It was very well written and i would rate it altleast a 8 or higher. good job keep it up.

Please crit my piece(click link below)
A brand new smile
#16
Hmm... this is very interesting and thank you for explaining this to me fully because you said it had a lot of personal reference here and there. Now for the piece itself i think you did a very good job.

It's more of a prose than anything else and well done, and plus this doesn't seem like anything OTS. I still don't have anything technical to suggest as for improvements except maybe just make it flow and add in some rhymes here and there, definetely nothing major.

And for the feather thing having big reference with the piece, to me it represnts hereditary within that father and son relationship or a vision that will later occur in the sons life.

Well Done, your future here is very bright.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 19, 2008,
#17
Thanks for your crits/comments Bleed Away, and everyone else.

osbourd2 - Do you think subtle refrences such as the ending line "More than just a box of chocolates" would still compliment the piece if I kept them?

When you say the ending wasn't how you expected it would be, do you mean that in a negative way? I tried to make it quite unexpecting, but still mean a lot, because this is a huge metaphor throughout the movie, but I still think it's reasonably subtle.

Thanks again, chuck me a PM if I've forgotton to crit you back, I've been bust with exams. BOOH!

thanks, Martin