#1
Unfinished, Got bored on the train


(Or rather, lack of)

when the tongue falters - the eyes perform
and it's about time I saw this deed through

my soul wishes that you would just be yourself
so my mind could finally stop loving you


the dissonance of our hearts is quite staggering
far beyond the asymptote of my wellbeing

don't you find it slightly ironic I'm still the best you'll ever do
even after that rather glorious social debut


i can't believe I missed the best day of my life for this...



fin. crit welcome of course
Last edited by Potski at Feb 15, 2008,
#2
I really like this. The second part is a bit straight forward, leaving it to stand out a bit from the rest of the piece. Maybe reword that part, but that's about the only change I think could be made without being too picky. Nice work.
#3
I'm thoroughly impressed. I would have thought this was a poem but then you said "unkown genre" (sarcasm?) so Im going to assume its a song.

Quote by Potski
Unfinished, Unknown Genre yet
Got bored on the train


(Or rather, lack of)

when the tongue falters - the eyes perform
and it's about time I saw this deed through
(Creative opening, especially for a song, or even a poem.)

sometimes I wish that you'd just be yourself
so maybe I could stop loving you
(Not quite as good, pretty cliche actually. And the wording of the first line is ugly, its to much telling and not enough showing here.)


the dissonance of our hearts is staggering
beyond the asymptote of my wellbeing
(Aright, now your doing something I hate; using big words to make something sound more deep or intelligent than it actually is. This is a cliche, if you hadnt used "assymptote" or "dissonance" (which i know isnt a big word by itself, but when the next line has "assymptote" in it, it becomes one.) this would mean the same thing, that has been said hundreds of times before.)
don't you find it slightly ironic I'm the best you'll ever do
even after that rather glorious social debut
(I love this, Perfect, nothing wrong with it at all.)

I can't believe I missed the best day of my life for this...
(nice ending, and nice build up to the end there too.)



fin. crit welcome of course


Overall, I'm impressed because most of the songs on here suck ass. but this one was quite well written actually. Aside from the few things i mentioned, this was a great piece.
#4
Just as stated above, I think your second stanza needs work. Just make it less familiar and a little more you. The rest needs well, the rest of the song. Add to it and post a finished draft. I like what I see so far!
"One good thing about music is when it hits, you feel no pain."
~ Bob Marley
#5
Quote by Potski


(Or rather, lack of)

when the tongue falters - the eyes perform
and it's about time I saw this deed through
Loved this opening, really strong, wouldn't change anything.

my soul wishes that you'd finally be yourself
so my mind could just stop loving you
I think the start of both of these lines are effective as you're emphasising your points clearly by using your "soul" and "mind" instead of possibly your heart, which I found effective. I agree that these are reasonably cliche, but I think the introductions to these points are effective and original.


the dissonance of our hearts is staggering
beyond the asymptote of my wellbeing
I loved this, except from the possible misconception that your wellbeing could be misinterpreted here. I understood it perfectly though so..meh.

don't you find it slightly ironic I'm still the best you'll ever do
even after that rather glorious social debut
Amazing, nice rhyming, loved it, flowed well, worked for me in every possible way!


i can't believe I missed the best day of my life for this...
Even better way to end it, nice climax to build up to this too as blues said. I liked this.


Really liked this as a whole, I think this is really solid, possibly quite short but that's no way to bring it down at all, it works. The climax is effective towards the end too, and quite unexpected. I could relate to this, so thank you!

Also, thank you for my crit and I'll work on getting some Lieutennant Dan in there too ;D


Martin