#1
Yea, I know that this is a day late. I just didn't have any time yesterday to put this up. This is my latest work. I don't think I like it as much as my last one. This song is more for the music, not for the lyrics, (hence the numerous guitar solos) but i needed to get this off my chest and into a song. It's not 100% complete yet. I still need to think of something to go in the background of the ending of the last guitar solo. It's not as heavy as my last song. I would put it somewhere between alternative and Nu Metal. Probably like the Foo Fighters' style. I know it's not my best work, but this song is more for the music. Anyway, here's how it goes so far, please crit:

Intro (talking):
Pain, suffering, sorrow.
That's all she ever seems to cause.
She's a cold, heartless girl who doesn't give a damn about anyone but herself.
It's weird though, because even though i know and understand this,
I still feel like something's missing without her,
as this Valentine's Day approaches...

Verse 1:
"I love you,
I love you,
I love you so much."

"I love you,
I love you,
I love you too." (short pause)


This is,
untrue,
she's a liar.

She will,
leave you,
just like that.

'Cause she does-
n't care
about the pain she causes

She does-
n't give a ****. (short pause)

'Cause she's a
hearless bitch.

(short guitar solo)

Verse 2:
"I hate you,
I hate you,
I hate you so much."

"Why what,
did I,
do to hurt you?"

"You did,
nothing.
I just don't like you.

"I don't feel
anything
anymore."

"Well you're just
a stupid *****! (short pause)

"Now I've got
something to say..."

Chorus x2:
On this Valentine's Day
you won't get a single card
On this Valentine's Day
just a worthless, broken heart
On this Valentine's Day
maybe suddenly you'll see
On this Valentine's Day
that you're nothing without me.

(long guitar solo, followed by a drum solo, then another short guitar solo)

Chorus x2 (gets softer the second time)

(very short guitar solo as music fades away)
Last edited by grevhead221 at Feb 29, 2008,
#2
just to let you know, there is a big difference between fall out boy and the foo fighters
#6
umm, nice TRIBUTE...i thought for a second it was gonna be a love song, boy was i wrong

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EVERYBODY SOLO!
#8
not bad. i agree with the rawness. you didn't hide very much, it was honest and to the point. and i like that as well.
Member #2 of the Mike Patton Worshippers club p.m. lalalama 2 to join

listen to metal.
#10
Quote by aaron6890
its a great song for an angry valentines day.

yea. if you didn't notice, i hate that holiday.

thx for the great crit guys. i really appreciate it.
#12
The repetativeness is effective and the rawness of it helps the tone and context, so even though there is a great lack of imagery in the verses, I can see this being catchy and something that sticks in your head after hearing it.

As for the chorus,

Chorus x2:
[On this Valentine's Day]
you won't get a single call
[On this Valentine's Day]
i hope you finally hit the wall*
[On this Valentine's Day]
maybe suddenly you'll see
[On this Valentine's Day]
that you're nothing without me.


If you weren't thinking it already, I think the repeated bracket lines should be sang in the background, and not as dominant. Then you could possibly work on expanding these lines in to two line sections by starting off the chorus with "On this Valentine's Day"...eg:

On this Valentine's Day
[On this Valentine's Day] repeated and sustain through these two lines...
you won't get a single call //
i hope you finally hit the wall* //

[On this Valentine's Day] Same
maybe suddenly you'll see
that you're nothing without me.
[On this Valentine's Day] Same

As for the "i hope you finally hit the wall" line, you could possibly change the whole line before it to link in like the second part of the chorus "maybe...without me"...like:

"You won't get a single card,
Just a solitary heart that's charred/scarred"

That's pretty crap, but you get the idea, hope i've been some help to you,

if you hate valentines...please check out my latest...

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=787956

Thanks, Martin.
#13
To be honest, i didn't like this.

It was so blunt, lacked imagination. If i was hearing this in a song, i'd probably turn it off. There's nothing there to hold my interest, full of typical teenage themes that have been done to death, especially in this way.

There are other ways to get this off your chest and into the written word, they don't have to be this blunt and uninspiring.

A little originality never hurts. My apologies for the harsh critique, hopefully it will provide some food for thought, i say it how i see it.
#14
sorry for the really late Crit. i hadnt gotten on until now.
But as of your song i really think its different from the regular Valentines day mushy gushy love song.
I really liked your Chorus.
But if you are focusing on more of the music i think you should cut down on the words unless its gonna be like a 6 7 min song.
But i think that in the Chorus you should replace the last "on this Valentines day " with something else so it will go better.
And because of all the dialouge/conversation way you wrote it. It takes away from the meaning.
Member #3 Of Girls Can Play Guitar Too!!!

Proud owner of
Washburn Lyon LI15
And an Ibanez!!!
#15
Thx for the great crit guys. I really appreciate it. As for the 6-7 min long song thing, the music is centered around the lyrics, and there are a few long guitar solos. But thanks again for the great crit so far everyone. I appreciate it.
#17
This genre is kind in between nu metal and classic rock. I really can't describe it. It's kind of like the Foo Fighters with a twist of MCR mixed in. Sure, I'll crit your song.
#18
It's quite raw, I think you should try using some metaphors, like bowl of oranges said, this type of song has been done many times before. You could do so much more with it, don't (sorry for this) disgrace yourself (sorry) as a lyricist you must express your feelings in a good way even if the emotions are bad, turn your emotions into something beautiful. I can see the potential there, but you really need to work on it. Also, the swearing thing has got to go, swearing can add many different levels to a song but it can destroy others, don't worry, you didn't kill your song, just injured it. If you can think of a better word to use rather than s*** do it. You use swearing to enhance the emotion without it sounding trashy.

Now the good points.
I love the sense of betrayal, you did that well, though I can see this as more of an argument lol, sorry. But I think you could make it work.
Also, it sounds like it's going to be another one of those soppy love songs but no, that was what surprised me.

No, I don't think it sounds like FOB or Foo Fighters. Yes a twist of MCR, if you addedin some metaphors it would sound more like MCR. But it reminded me of Linkin Park, especially the last stanza/verse, you know the song Valentine's day. You might want to change that a little.

Otherwise, keep working at it.

and why is everyone making some words red?
#19
my favourite bit was the rawness. reminds me of nirvana ahahha. it sounds like something you'd crank up when you're just a in an angry ****ing mood. the start seems a little iffy. it brings colour but it just seems forced or something? otherwise angry piece well done
#20
lol thx bassgirl. dont worry about the "disgrace yourself" lol its ok. with the Foo Fighters stuff i meant style wise, not lyric wise. Yea i basically got that line from the linkin park song, but its sung so much different that im not concerned. i was wondering when someone would make that connection. i understand what you mean about adding metaphors, but the problem is that would basically mean rewriting the entire song. normally this wouldnt be a problem, but we've already got our recording session secheduled. we're thinking of making this just a bonus song that you have to be an insanely hardcore fan to even have heard of it lol. im gonna keep working on getting out the swearing. ive already done it a little, but the stuff in the verses is gonna stay cause it rhymes and i would once again have to rewrite the entire verses to keep the flow and meaning. plus i think without it the emotion could be weakened a bit. you did help a lot though. im definately going to keep that in mind and try to fix it, and on future songs. im in the process of writing one and im using a lot more metaphore than my previous ones.

thx a lot everyone. especially bassgirl, martinb, and bowl of oranges.

P.S. bassgirl- it was national "make random words red" week. didnt you hear?

lol jk. no one made some words red, i searched it when i sent you the link so the words that match the search are red lol.