#1
ok so this is one of my songs its still in the works and i want your guy's imput on it. i just started writeing songs so bare with me i've only been at it for like a month now.

ok so background on this song, i wrote it from the perspective of a 17 century sailor and being lost at sea.

ok here it is:

in this clear darkness
the creaking of the wall is comfort,
waiting for the time
when waves stop crashing at the side

but the deviant
sail above my head
has other plans for me,
instead it sees the glory of
its death upon the sea.

Chorus:
And I think, this will be the end,
but I say, we are on the bend,
for hope that gentle words will keep our thoughts at bay.
With out this unnecessary weight,
starts to break me as i wait,
to see the end of this opaque and sickly mist

Still my thoughts seep
to blank and silent depths,
I see my vision start to fade
a sharp compression meant to save
revives me back to what I used to be.


im trying to figure out a style for it any suggestions? i was thinking soft with some light keyboard and a full sounding chorused guitar, and with lots of bass, but with a finger. maybe a step down into DGCFAD
Last edited by aaron6890 at Feb 17, 2008,
#2
Im real new at this too, so i probably cant give great crit.... i wasnt sold at the beginning but the last stanza was excellent in my opinion. Basically i think the first stanza needs work, it feels a little awkward. Although "clear darkness" is an interesting contradiction, i feel like you need some different words to flesh it out more, it doesnt give me the image i think you are trying to convey. Also maybe instead of "waiting" you could try "while i wait" because its a little awkward the way it is. Again, im even less experienced than you... so you dont have to listen. :P
#3
yeah thats a good point about the first stanza, i was useing it to set the scene for the rest of the song. i made the change to waiting.

yeah i like the oxymoron of the clear darkness too, but i was afraid it would be to cliche.
when i wrote it i was like "yes!, oh wait."
oh and incase you were wondering mare morbus is "sea sickness" in latin.
#4
I think this would go better as a poem, not a song. It's very well written. The first stanza isnt anywhere near as good as the rest. It's a good intro though. You just need to add a chorus and another verse and maybe an outtro before you can actually call this a song. The last stanza was really good. Nice start, just keep working on it. I like your writing style. Keep it up. I know you're not THAT experienced but crit mine? Its called A Tribute to Her (On This Valentine's Day). Thx. Nice song. Just lengthen it a little.
#6
i think it's epic. for music i would suggest piano alone for stanza one, some sort of echoey guitar interlude, then come sort of hallowed be thy name-ish stuff for stanza 2 and stanza 3.
#8
First, if you have sometime to add to it, just edit it, instead of having a separate post.

I really like this, reminds me so much of one of Tom Waits' sailor, story-type songs. I can hear his voice doing this. But it seems really unfinished to me, and in your chorus I don't like "unfathomable" in it.
#9
yeah i thought it would it was a bit to much to add that pun into it, i was a risky move on my part. and the reason i added to it instead of editing was for the added bump it gave me. i'll go up and put the parts into the first post and delete what i posted after.

Edit i changed the chorus it look up there for the changes, i took your advice and changed the unfathomable part to something else.
Last edited by aaron6890 at Feb 17, 2008,
#12
I like it it's fluent and creative i personally like to relate to songs so it gets a feeling going in my body and hope that any of mine that i write people can relate to too. do you have any other songs?