#1
not really thrilled with this...just seems unfinished to me, but I am kind of stumped on what to do with it.


***
Tightly woven carbon fiber
edging slowly against my skin.
Never before have the inches seemed so far apart.
You don’t need to adjust the stencil
to decipher the lone transcription:
“Unroll the tidal waves like the handles of a scroll.”
I read along with my finger
like how my mother use to point
to the space in-between every line.
Probably showing me there is always room
to create my own version of whatever I’m told.

Within the trunk of a tree,
nestled amongst the labeled ‘Abandon Forest’,
sits this distorted wall map
I drew from ground level so long ago.
The crease beside the gorge
was thought to be a mountain range for the longest time
And that stain near the bottom
could very easily be wetlands or a savanna.
But the 'X' has always marked the spot of the place it rests.
A guide that has lead most people nowhere…
but a few anywhere.
Last edited by streetcarp19 at Feb 17, 2008,
#2
Quote by streetcarp19
not really thrilled with this...just seems unfinished to me, but I am kind of stumped on what to do with it.


***
Tightly woven carbon fiber
edging slowly against my skin. These 2 lines have a really nice flow
Never before have the inches seemed so far apart. This line breaks that flow
You don’t need to adjust the stencil
to decipher the lone transcription: Good flow in these two lines too
“Unroll the tidal waves like the handles of a scroll.” I really like this line, although I'm struggling to read into the meaning
I read along with my finger
like how my mother used to point
to the space in-between every line. I don't think this line is necessary, it seems to disrupt the flow set up in the previous 2 lines
Probably showing me there is always room
to create my own version of whatever I’m told.

There's fragments that flow really well, but there's a couple of lines that don't quite gel as nicely as it could have been

Within the trunk of a tree,
nestled amongst the labeled ‘Abandon Forest’, Do you need the word "labeled" and the quote marks? For me leaving out "labeled" has a nicer flow.
sits this distorted wall map "wall map" seems a bit abrupt in the flow of this line
I drew from ground level so long ago.
The crease beside the gorge
was thought to be a mountain range for the longest time The flow is lost after "range".
And that stain near the bottom
could very easily be wetlands or a savanna. These two lines are pretty good though
But the X has always marked the spot of the place it rests.
A guide that could either lead you nowhere…
or anywhere.


The ending seems to just tail off, rather than conclude anything - IMO anyway. I think there are bits that have a good flow, and it's just the lines that glue those bits together than need revising.

Is the line in double quotes one of your own, or a quote from somewhere else? It's easily the stand out line of the piece. If it's you own then good job
#3
Yeah, that is my own line, and I kind of see what you are saying about it tailing off at the end...I was having trouble wording the end to be more impactful, but I like the meaning i am trying to establish there.
#6
i wouldn't understand why you are ashamed of this. it is very smooth and very well written, maybe not like a "STREETCARP" highlight, but still very good work. i really enjoy the resolution of the first stanza which goes from fantasy to real very cleverly and subtly. the second stanza is an excellent counterpoint to the first with some similar imagery and some excellent word choice especially 'distorted wall map', perhaps the only word i see very out of place in this whole piece is 'scrolls'. still, you should be proud of this.. few people can consider this their "mediocre" pieces and in my opinion it isn't even that for you.
#7
yeah, after I changed the ending a little, I am a little less frusturated with it...means a lot your comments, cause I wasn't sure too many people would catch the subtlties (sp?)

Anywho, good to see you back on here, and I would like to talk music and other things on msn sometime. :-)
#8
i have to echo the comments from osbourd2 really. line six is eloquently done; seems effortless. i wish i had come up with that. the content in stanza one is original and i appreciate your style. you may wish to think more about the meter as there are some lines that didn't roll off the tongue so easily. i was hoping for more of a conclusive stanza and an idea that lodges itself inside the reader's mind. the piece would really benefit from that. but it was enjoyable and well written, the content in stanza two is not quite up to par with the first in my opinion, but nonetheless a good read. thanks for the comments on mine; i'll get to your next one too.
#9
interesting...I now think both stanza's are pretty equal in content and execution. But I appreciate the introspective, very helpful.
#10
Quote by streetcarp19

Tightly woven carbon fiber
edging slowly against my skin.
Never before have the inches seemed so far apart.
You don’t need to adjust the stencil
to decipher the lone transcription:
“Unroll the tidal waves like the handles of a scroll.”
I read along with my finger
like how my mother use to point
to the space in-between every line.
Probably showing me there is always room
to create my own version of whatever I’m told.

I think i like this, but i certainly don't love it, it starts solidly enough, it has my attention. I don't think the third line is that great, i don't think it would be missed if it weren't there. The second half of the stanza is nice until the last line, i like what you're getting at but i don't really like the way you closed it out, it doesn't strike quite the chord i think it could, seems a little muffled. I don't like the wording of the last line.

Within the trunk of a tree,
nestled amongst the labeled ‘Abandon Forest’,
sits this distorted wall map
I drew from ground level so long ago.
The crease beside the gorge
was thought to be a mountain range for the longest time
And that stain near the bottom
could very easily be wetlands or a savanna.
But the 'X' has always marked the spot of the place it rests.
A guide that has lead most people nowhere…
but a few anywhere.

Again you have my attention but i'm not really thrilled by what i'm reading. The last two lines seem overly ambiguous and don't really leave any sense of closure or really much of a sense of anything, they leave me feeling indifferent to this piece.


There isn't anything glaringly wrong or horrible about this piece, i just don't think it has that certain sparkle about it to have any sort of impact. It has some interesting concepts, but they come off as a little tame and at no point does anything really hit me and leave me enthralled.

I think you were right when you said it's lacking something. There's certainly potential there, but for now it's not doing much for me.

Thanks for your comments on my piece.
#11
Yeah resisted the urge to make this too flashy, and attempted to give it some subtlty. I appreciate your comments and will look into possible improvements.