#1
Empty vessell.
Waiting to be filled.
I should get me a pregnant girl is what I should do, or a
young girl with a kid that I can play with and try to make smile.
That would keep me grounded.
Maybe then I could get a job and want to keep it.
Get a credit card to take out student loans with.
Build a future so I can support her and someone else's child.
Maybe the baby's name would be Alesis or Avoleah and I couldn't object
because that's just how shit is.

I could see the game of life flash in front of my big eyes:
My father would be on defense.
My mother would be the wide reciever.
My brother could heckle both teams from the sidelines,
and me?
I'll kick the fucking ball, I don't give a shit.
Hand it here.

After a long day of shopping at the Pottery Barn, filing extensions on my
tax returns, buying Sweetest Day cards for her, and eating my lunch
standing up at the table,
I'll bounce little Avoleah on my lap while my young bride confides
in her best friend away at college over the phone.
My friends will come bearing beer and say,
"There's a party in Columbus that you need to go to."
I'll cover the baby's ears and scream,
"Get the fuck out of here! Go home! I'm being normal."
Poor advice.
Last edited by stellar_legs at Feb 16, 2008,
#3
This is one of my favorite pieces I've ever read from you.

The way you word things is just... great.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#4
Loved this, had me enthralled all the way through.


My father would be on defense.
My mother would be the wide reciever.
My brother could heckle both teams from the sidelines,
and me?
All the way through you've used seperate sentences, I just think you could possibly revise this, either turning it in to a large list or having "And me?" as a seperate sentence as well, possibly to convey a greater climax towards the end of the stanza.
I'll kick the fucking ball, I don't give a shit.
Hand it here.
Wonderful ending. This is why I think it would be more effective to list "My father..., my mother..., my brother...And me?" so that it all builds up to this short ending.


Wonderful, deep piece as per with you I've noticed.

Sorry I haven't been of much help but there's nothing to really nit pick at in this piece at all...

Please take a look it mine if you get a chance:

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=787956

Thanks, Martin
#6
2nd stanza was phenomenal in it's originality (in terms of what you write).

I loved this.

Sorry, I have nothing else to say.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Empty vessell. <-One l in vessel

I could see the game of life flash in front of my big eyes:
My father would be on defense.
My mother would be the wide reciever. <- receiver
My brother could heckle both teams from the sidelines,
and me?
I'll kick the fucking ball, I don't give a shit.
Hand it here. I don't really like this. I know you're being really blunt with this whole thing but I think this ruins it.

Everything else was great.

Edit: Reading this over again, I LOVE the first and third stanza. But I still hate this part. It changes the mood of it in my opinion. Seems like it should be in a different piece.
Last edited by Leonheart at Feb 17, 2008,
#8
Hrm, let's see here...a small font! *brings out spectacles*...Hrm, yes, let's continue...

Empty vessell.
Waiting to be filled.
I should get me a pregnant girl is what I should do, or a
young girl with a kid that I can play with and try to make smile.
That would keep me grounded.
Maybe then I could get a job and want to keep it.
Get a credit card to take out student loans with.
Build a future so I can support her and someone else's child.
Maybe the baby's name would be Alesis or Avoleah and I couldn't object
because that's just how shit is.

Wow...I can relate to this, as I know several people in this situation and it's chilling how close your writing and their lifestyle seem.

I could see the game of life flash in front of my big eyes:
My father would be on defense.
My mother would be the wide reciever.
My brother could heckle both teams from the sidelines,
and me?
I'll kick the fucking ball, I don't give a shit.
Hand it here.

Personally, I hate sports. But you know what I like? When sports are used as an allusion to the bigger picture; similar to my poem found in my sig. Great!

After a long day of shopping at the Pottery Barn, filing extensions on my
tax returns, buying Sweetest Day cards for her, and eating my lunch
standing up at the table,
I'll bounce little Avoleah on my lap while my young bride confides
in her best friend away at college over the phone.
My friends will come bearing beer and say,
"There's a party in Columbus that you need to go to."
I'll cover the baby's ears and scream,
"Get the fuck out of here! Go home! I'm being normal."

This is hilarious. The instant I read the "friends coming over to party" portion, I recall a stupid Sex Ed video where his friends come in to ask him if he wants to go to the creek and he says "I can't, guys...I have a baby now. I love it. Damn!

Stunning, just stunning. I have read your other work and this takes the cake by far. Good ****ing job. If you have time to humble my poem, it would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Mark
#9
Not much else to add to what everyone else has been saying, but I felt I had to drop in and show my love.

I love how there is a great contrast of harsh and beautiful throughout, which is what I have come to expect from you, but this extent is usually achieved 'once in a while' by even the best, which you are certainly not far from....as said before, the third stanza is so honest in it's brutality and beauty, i just...god damn. Good stuff man.

If you want:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=788355