#1
Reworked this. C4C


The sun melted in the furnace of the burning sea.
Most try to go unseen, few struggle to break free.
As darkenss fill the empty spaces of the night,
the eyes of the houses one by one turns bright.
Empty beercans litter the drunken parade,
scientists make theories on how to get laid.
JFK slowly wave from a cabriolet.
Stressed out this morning he forgot to pray.

The smaller bars all get filled pretty fast.
The streets get laid by the shadows they cast.
The bigger ones wont even let Jesus in,
they say he still got another instalment of sin.
Roy Bryant works the nightshift at a mill,
not knowing about Carlolyn and Emmett Till.
But when he got done with the math,
they both got their necklace and bath.

Jimi Hendrix plays on a plastic tennis racket,
Something Aristotele desperately tries to bracket.
As Brandon Lee auditions for The Crow,
Shakespear is writing letters in the snow.
A million poets trapped in a gas-station,
with a million years to wait for inspiration.
Houdini is finally in Bakunin's thrall.
But Kafka, he dont do nothing at all

Allen Ginsburg is out there, he dont care.
They make him work but hes feet are bare.
The drunken overseer is tapping a clock,
Another shipment just hit the dock.
But Popeye threw the tea in the sea,
and an angry mob strung him up in a tree.
A thousand crosses burn, yet the world still turn,
as Einstein yearn for something new to learn.

In the electrolights of the night,
a drunken Ghandi's in a fight.
Johnny's locked in Folsom, staring at the wall.
He shot a man in Reno just to see him fall.
Bobby died fighting an NLF-plutoon.
I followed the casket on a pale afternoon.
They lowered him down like a king,
never giving him a chance to sing.

The fading stars on the turquoise sky molds.
while a circus-tent reluctantly folds.
The houses now one by one shuts their eyes,
leaving only the silent echo of sighs.
When daylight crash into the walls,
people snore inside their halls.
The early birds fly south,
i just pass out on a couch.

When all u need is bread and a bed,
when all of ur heros are missing or dead,
when everything has already been said
Where the hell do i unload my head?
Last edited by TexasMedicine at Feb 16, 2008,
#2
I like it. Its well written and it has a good feel to it. Great job.
#3
Quote by TexasMedicine

The sun melted in the furnace of the burning sea.
Most try to go unseen, few struggle to break free.
I thought the first line was an extremely cliché image. I failed to see how it connected with the second line and I really felt like it was just there so you could make it rhyme.
As darkenss fill the empty spaces of the night,
the eyes of the houses one by one turns bright.
Again, cliché images. Fix the typo in 'darkness'. The syntax of the second line is wrong, it should be 'turn' instead of 'turns'. I have mixed feelings about the rhyming here. While rhyming 'night' with 'bright' is so overdone it made me cringe, I really liked the contrast between the two words. The emphasis you put on the words by making them rhyme is good. The flow was good. Like I said, it's the content that bothers me here, not so much the writing itself.
Empty beercans litter the drunken parade,
scientists make theories on how to get laid.
These lines were great.
JFK slowly wave from a cabriolet.
Stressed out this morning he forgot to pray.
Again, a grammatical error. 'JFK slowly waveS/waveD'. The second line feels forced, as if you really wanted to make it rhyme. Add a comma somewhere, I'm guessing between 'out' and 'this'. It'll make it much easier to read.

The smaller bars all get filled pretty fast.
The streets get laid by the shadows they cast.
I loved the image in the second line. First line was quite bland.
The bigger ones wont even let Jesus in,
they say he still got another instalment of sin.
Ew at rhyming 'in' with 'sin'. I didn't like these lines.
Roy Bryant works the nightshift at a mill,
not knowing about Carlolyn and Emmett Till.
I had to look up the references here and it felt like you were just name-dropping for the hell of it. I didn't see where these came from, there's no introduction to this at all, it's just there. Also, the rhyme was weak.
But when he got done with the math,
they both got their necklace and bath.
Again, the rhyming. I tried reading this stanza again, as a whole because I feared I might have missed connections while breaking it up, but I still don't get it. Every two lines just seem to have another random idea in them, not connected with the previous lines, at all.

Jimi Hendrix plays on a plastic tennis racket,
Something Aristotele desperately tries to bracket.
As Brandon Lee auditions for The Crow,
Shakespear is writing letters in the snow.
A million poets trapped in a gas-station,
with a million years to wait for inspiration.
Houdini is finally in Bakunin's thrall.
But Kafka, he dont do nothing at all
Okay, I'm going to take this as a whole. First of all, when you name-drop, make sure to spell them right. 'Aristotle', 'Shakespeare'. It takes away a lot of the credibility if you can't even be bothered to check your spelling. I liked the gas-station/inspiration lines. I keep getting the feeling that this is just random stuff that you have here, I don't see a connection at all. I mean, where the hell did Kafka suddenly come from? I don't see a connection either between all these names. You mention a guitarist, an actor, a philosopher, a playwright, a magician, an anarchist and a modernist/existentialist author and I honestly don't see a connection. I didn't care for this stanza at all because it really felt you were trying to be artsy with all the names. There's no substance in the content apart from these names, you know?

Allen Ginsburg is out there, he dont care.
They make him work but hes feet are bare.
The drunken overseer is tapping a clock,
Another shipment just hit the dock.
But Popeye threw the tea in the sea,
and an angry mob strung him up in a tree.
A thousand crosses burn, yet the world still turn,
as Einstein yearn for something new to learn.
Grammar/spelling: first line: 'Ginsberg' instead of 'Ginsburg', 'doesn't' instead of 'don't'; second line 'his' instead of 'hes'; seventh line 'the world still turnS', last line 'einstein yearnS'. I didn't like the name-dropping of Ginsberg at all. Especially because you spelt it wrong. Do you even know who he is? I don't want to sound harsh here, but come on, where's the substance in this thing. It's quite stupid to name-drop Ginsberg and then say that 'he doesn't care'. Ginsberg was all against the conformity in the Fifties, he had a role in anti-vietnam protest and he obviously cared about gay rights and free speech.

In the electrolights of the night,
a drunken Ghandi's in a fight.
Johnny's locked in Folsom, staring at the wall.
He shot a man in Reno just to see him fall.
Bobby died fighting an NLF-plutoon.
I followed the casket on a pale afternoon.
They lowered him down like a king,
never giving him a chance to sing.
'drunken Ghandi'; at least make sure your metaphors makes sense. The third and fourth lines sounded like a mash-up from both Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash. I didn't see where they came from. Well, I can see *some* relevance between these lines and the first two lines, but still, it's farfetch'd. The rhyming here is awful; king-sing/wall-fall. Meh.

The fading stars on the turquoise sky molds.
while a circus-tent reluctantly folds.
The houses now one by one shuts their eyes,
leaving only the silent echo of sighs.
When daylight crash into the walls,
people snore inside their halls.
The early birds fly south,
i just pass out on a couch.
First line made me think of the very first line of the piece, which was good, I guess. The second line made 'molds' seem like it was just there to rhyme. About rhyming, in the last two lines you used assonance (i.e. sOUth - cOUch) to rhyme, while almost every other sound device you used in this piece is just a 'rhyme' (as in the theoretical concept - 'repetition of the accented vowel sound and all succeeding sounds'). Keep your rhyming scheme consistent. Not a lot of people might have noticed this, but it bugged the hell out of me. The oxymoron 'silent echo of sighs' is boring.

When all u need is bread and a bed,
when all of ur heros are missing or dead,
when everything has already been said
Where the hell do i unload my head?
'You' - 'Your'. Get your spelling right. I thought this was the weakest part of the whole piece.



I don't know if this is a song or a poem. I critted it as if it's a poem though, after all you put it up in S&L (instead of posting a recorded version in R&R.) I know I was harsh in some places, but I felt like you needed it. I thought the writing itself (as far as style goes, etc) was pretty good (although you had quite a couple of weak lines), but the content was my main problem here. It all felt so irrelevant to eachother, I couldn't see a connection between all of this. It just doesn't make sense to me and it really looked like a bunch of names, put there for the sake of getting some credibility or for being artsy. It failed. As far as I'm concerned, you lost all your credibility with the Ginsberg line and the stanza with Hendrix and Kafka in it.

You might not feel like it, but here's a link if you want to have a look.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=786374
#4
Thanks, i appreciate the honesty. I really do.

I agree with some of ur critique and with some of it i dont.

First i just wanna say english isnt my first language, hence some of the spelling and grammar errors. Some of them are just a result of carelessness. I can agree that the rhymes are bad at times. When i started out i did it with rhymes and then i couldnt just stop rhyming when i couldnt find a good rhymeword.

I never had any intention to be artsy or namedrop. Not at all. I do know Ginsberg. When i say he dont care, i meant he dont care for the rest of the people and events in the lyric/poem, who all are smallminded and pathetic. The overall theme is just how all these characters fail or cant really be who they are, which in turn connects back to the title. Guess it really didnt go thru. I'll keep it in mind next time i write something cos im not gonna rework this any more, it would be a completely new thing if i did.

Anyways ill check urs out and probably crit it.
#5
I kind of figured English wasn't your first language. Neither is mine, by the way. Just make sure to check your spelling/grammar next time, it makes things look a lot less sloppy.

I kind of get the general idea now that you've explained it. I guess it was a good attempt, but yeah, it didn't really come through.

I'm glad you didn't take the crit badly; I was just being honest because I really wanted to point out the weak stuff. It wouldn't really have helped you to improve as a writer if I had just said 'this is good', you know? (No offense to people who do that, by the way.)

I'll make sure to check your next one.