#1
Yep. First one in a few weeks (or a month) now. I'm pretty happy with it, but constructive crits are always welcome. Feel free to rip it to shreds, stomp on it, and set it ablaze.

"I am the selfless,
Being who is never satisfied...
Everyone's satisfied with,
The all of nothing...
I am not everyone

Absolute Abstraction

Cities built upon cities,
Built upon rocks and grass,
Intention of Anima

I'll kill all the rainbows,
Eagles, and Gods,
The world has to offer.
I am still selfless.


In the truest of lies,
I want to be selfish.

Daggers shot through hands,
For the difference of being.
I long to be indifferent

Persecution,
Execution,
This all makes us timeless,
For barbarity's sake


What is satisfaction in happiness,
Than the will of one unhappy being,
Trying his hardest,
Not to express everything he ever felt wrong...
I am selfish."
My gear:
Schecter C-1+ w/ Seymour duncan Jazz (neck) and Full Shred (bridge), with Sperzels
B-52 LG-100A 4x12 half stack
Rogue LX405 Bass
Yamaha classical
Some sort of acoustic Squier
Boss Flanger
Lyon Chorus
Last edited by SchecterC-1+Man at Feb 16, 2008,
#2
Quote by SchecterC-1+Man
"I am the selfless,
Being who is never satisfied...
Everyone's satisfied with,
The all of nothing... The all of nothing sounds like an oxymoron, but it still kinda works
I am not everyone

Absolute Abstraction

Cities built upon cities,
Built upon rocks and grass,
Intention of Anima

This is a good solid stanza - I had to look up what anima meant and I don't usually have to look up words posted on these forums

I'll kill all the rainbows,
Eagles, and Gods, This is a good couple of lines
The world has to offer. I was thinking this line needs a "that" at the start, but I think my suggestion disrupts the flow
I'm still selfless. You've used "I am" everywhere else, so why "I'm" in this line


In the truest of lies,
I want to be selfish.

Daggers shot through hands,
For the difference of being.
I long to be indifferent

Persecution,
Execution,
This all makes us timeless,
For barbarity's sake

I have nothing good or bad to say about these 3 sections

What is satisfaction in happiness,
Than the will of one unhappy being,
Trying his hardest,
Not to express everything he ever felt wrong...
I am selfish."

The flow in this last stanza seems a bit haphazard - sorry. Although it's a nice sentiment


I like the cities built upon cities line - it's very concise but leaves the reader thinking about the depth of the idea.
#3
Quote by SchecterC-1+Man

"I am the selfless,
Being who is never satisfied...
Everyone's satisfied with,
I would be tempted to change this to "Everyone is...", seems to give it more flow.
The all of nothing...
I am not everyone

Absolute Abstraction
Subtle and solid opening overall.

Cities built upon cities,
Built upon rocks and grass,
Here, I don't like the repitition of "built upon".

I think it would be better if you kept "upon" and changed the second line to something that emphasises the things that the cities overtake.

Intention of Anima

I'll kill all the rainbows,
Eagles, and Gods,
The world has to offer.
I'm still selfless.
I agree, keep consistent and use "I am..." still has the same number of syllables as the first line so it works well, with "I'm..." it seems to be awkward


In the truest of lies,
I liked this line.
I want to be selfish.

Daggers shot through hands,
I liked the use of "shot" here for a dagger, has connotations that are effective, nice.
For the difference of being.
I long to be indifferent
Solid stanza here.

Persecution,
Execution,
This all makes us timeless,
For barbarity's sake
Again, this was pretty solid, wouldn't really change anything here...


What is satisfaction in happiness,
Than the will of one unhappy being,
Trying his hardest,
Not to express everything he ever felt wrong...
I am selfish."
Nothing really to comment on here either, pretty solid, quite hard to work your way through on first read though, this isn't a bad thing...


Overall I liked this, although during the middle I think you need to start a climax to the end, as your opening and closing stanzas are the largest. But I'm quite torn, because it makes this piece nice as well that it starts and ends on the statements "I am..."

Hmm, anyway, I enjoyed it, really abstract I found...

Please check out my latest, drop a crit or bump if poss!


http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=787956

thanks, Martin
#4
Thanks guys. Yeah, the "all of nothing" thing is kind of an oxy moron, but I mean for it to be that way you know, kind of a contradictive song, but still sensical. Dunno if that's a word.

Anyways, I changed that one "I'm" to "I am" Thanks for that. More crits always welcome!

I'll get to yours in just a sec, Martin
My gear:
Schecter C-1+ w/ Seymour duncan Jazz (neck) and Full Shred (bridge), with Sperzels
B-52 LG-100A 4x12 half stack
Rogue LX405 Bass
Yamaha classical
Some sort of acoustic Squier
Boss Flanger
Lyon Chorus
Last edited by SchecterC-1+Man at Feb 16, 2008,