#1

In this world of perplexity and puzzlement, everything's unclear
Answers are obscured by clouds of illusion as thoughts are lost amidst the confusion
Still, in this idle indecision I wait with uncertainty and may linger for eternity

But then I slip away in slumber where there’s no petty problems to remember
Where time stands still or so it seems with no help for minds upkeep
Where joy flows and reappears and sadness comes and disappears
All I have to do is close my eyes:

In this dream of levity and wonderment, everything's intuitive
Answers are discovered in waves of comprehension as thoughts are found without intention
Yet, when this dawdling dream is done- I may have to leave the depths and lose all its concepts

Though this land of dreams makes no sense it makes it more than consciousness


This is my first time posting a song, I thought I could some advice. It's not completely done, some of it doesn't flow I don't think (especially the middle sucks, I was just trying to link the first part to the second somehow) and I gotta work that last line in there better somehow. Also, I'm not sure about if I'm going to keep that title.

#2
I think it's a pretty good job. I don't think the downfalls you mention are as bad as you think they are.

The two 3 line stanzas sit well together, as juxtaposed ideas. The only thing I would say is the syllable count doesn't match between the respective lines of those 2 stanzas, for example "perplexity" has one more syllable than "levity", and "illusion" has one less than "comprehension". Personally I'd make changes so that the words you've changed between the 2 stanzas have the same number of syllables - if you see what I mean

The middle section isn't as bad as you've suggested, I'd change the middle "and" to "as", i.e. "Where joy flows and reappears as sadness comes and disappears"

Although I understand what you're trying to say, the last line seems a bit convoluted - I'd look to simplify it a little, perhaps make it two lines?

I don't see anything wrong with the title either .

Take a look at Gloucester Road if you're feeling critical