#1
ots. my feeble attempts at pretending i'm not severely blocked...


please,
take your hand out of mine,
they feel too much alike.
mine is smaller, but it has
more to hide.
and when they're pressed together,
my secrets, your sweat
secrete,
combine,
absorb...

and then you'll know.


please,
let me close my eyes,
just for a little while.
they're too honest
in the face of a liar.
and when your gray-green orbs
match my big black holes,
they'll scream,
they'll cry,
they'll fall...

and then you'll know.


please,
don't hold me so tight
while our limbs are entwined.
'cause i can't fight the urge
to reach deep inside
and rip out our veins,
tie us in our embrace, so
our blood
flows together
forever...

and then you'll really fucking know.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#2
This was powerful, i guess this can be proclaimed as speaking strongly against poppy loves and its false vows.
Now i think you did a good job in describing lust in that particular relationship espicially in the line "And when your gray-green orbs match my big black holes".
This piece flowed well and to be honest, all though you seem to insist that this was written in a period of a minor writers block.

That's my two cents.

PS: Can you have a look at my 'Given' piece, that would be awesome.
#3
Quote by hope's downfall
ots. my feeble attempts at pretending i'm not severely blocked...


please,
take your hand out of mine,
they feel too much alike.
mine is smaller, but it has
more to hide.
and when they're pressed together,
my secrets, your sweat
I would feel it would flow better with an "and" placed in between "my secrets" and "your sweat", just to clearly show that these two things are being secreted, combined and absorbed.

I feel they could be misunderstood to be part of the list "secrete, combine..."

secrete,
combine,
absorb...

and then you'll know.


please,
let me close my eyes,
just for a little while.
they're too honest
in the face of a liar.
and when your gray-green orbs
match my big black holes,
they'll scream,
they'll cry,
they'll fall...

and then you'll know.


please,
don't hold me so tight
while our limbs are entwined.
'cause i can't fight the urge
to reach deep inside
I think if you're using "rip" and words like that, a more effective word could be used in place of "reach", possibly something harsh like "claw", this emphasises the ripping and vigorousness of the image.
and rip out our veins,
Personally I would find "tear" a more effective word, then this would work well with the next line, "tie"...just a suggestion, could work as some vague alliteration.
tie us in our embrace, so
Really effective and fierce image, this is excellent
our blood
flows together
forever...

and then you'll really fucking know.
Nice climax to the ending


Second stanza's imagery was outstanding, really solid piece for an OTS and writers block, seriously...really gory but effective images used.

I like it, really compliments the piece, wouldn't change much at all.

Please take a look at mine:

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=787956

thanks, Martin
#4
Quote by hope's downfall

please,
take your hand out of mine,
they feel too much alike.
I liked this. great opening line. I don't see the point of the linebreaks though.
mine is smaller, but it has
more to hide.
and when they're pressed together,
my secrets, your sweat
secrete,
combine,
absorb...

and then you'll know.
I liked the first part (till 'hide'). The other line was weak. Especially the three words at the end. The semi-repetition of secret and secrete wasn't all that good.

please,
let me close my eyes,
just for a little while.
they're too honest
in the face of a liar.
First line was quite cliché but I guess it worked, considering the tone of the first stanza. I mean, it doesn't sound out of place. I like how you started this stanza in the same way as the first one (please,). Second line was powerful. Maybe a bit teenage angsty and stuff but powerful nonetheless.
and when your gray-green orbs
match my big black holes,
they'll scream,
they'll cry,
they'll fall...
Ew. I'm sorry. This was so extremely cliché it made me want to stop reading. 'gray-green orbs' 'big black holes' 'scream cry fall', come on Ray, I know you can do better than this. Revise this. I thought it brought everything you built up in the previous lines down.
and then you'll know.


please,
don't hold me so tight
while our limbs are entwined.
Great flow, great rhyme.
'cause i can't fight the urge
to reach deep inside
and rip out our veins,
tie us in our embrace, so
our blood
flows together
forever...

and then you'll really fucking know.
Taking this as a whole. This was powerful, again. The blood image was quite cliché though and I can't really say I liked this stanza. I read at the top of the piece that you were in some kind of block and to be honest, it shows. This isn't the best imagery ever, it sounded forced and it just didn't really work for me. However, all that aside, I still got some emotion from this. I guess you can make something out of this when you revise it. Or, just scrap it and give yourself some time to come up with somethig better. You'll get out of that block eventually. I'm sure you will.



Do mine? thanks.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=786374
#5
thanks for the crits, guys.

joris, your crit cracked me up. everything you said was so glaringly obvious, and i never even noticed! ha, gotta love writer's block...
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#6
I have two suggestions. here they are:
1) change the title. the reader feels the desperation real quick. you can use the title for something else.

2) my second suggestion is that of form. this looks pretty, and this is not a pretty thing. not that it's not a good piece, I'm not saying that, it's just not pretty, you dig? I'd say put more on each line, ditch some of the breaks, I think it'll give it a feel that feels more like how the words feel.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#7
Quote by hope's downfall

and when they're pressed together,
my secrets, your sweat
secrete,
combine,
absorb...

king know.


Everything good but with this part, maybe do something liek

and when they're pressed together,
my secrets, your sweat
THEY combine, AND By DESIGN
absorb FOREVER MORE

If thats not really what your going for thats fine, but I would try to make it flow more fluidly right here
#8
Quote by hope's downfall
Hey kid.

please,
take your hand out of mine,
they feel too much alike.
mine is smaller, but it has
more to hide.
and when they're pressed together,
my secrets, your sweat
secrete,
combine,
absorb...
and then you'll know.

So... I know you hate caps... but I would give anything to have the "please' cap'd. It could make it so much more powerful considering nothing else is capped. Line 2... use a better verb than 'take' even "remove your hand from mine," would be better. Also, like everyone else said, your line breaks are killing me. Move more to hide up with but it has... this is to aggresive of a piece to have dainty line breaks and be pretty-fied. Make it more raw and less refined and you will have something worth remembering. When I read this, I also put a full-stop after each "single word line." I like the tone it gives this way... makes each verb seem deliberate and at the same time pointed. The last line however... makes me want to vomit with how mundane it is after you've built up this great angry/guilty metaphor.

please,
let me close my eyes,
just for a little while.
they're too honest
in the face of a liar.
and when your gray-green orbs
match my big black holes,
they'll scream,
they'll cry,
they'll fall...

Caps first line, PWEASE?!!?!?! I'd combine lines 2 and 3 to this,
"Just let me close my eyes for a while,"
Ok, now I'm confused though... last stanza you were talking about "you have more to hide" and now you're the honest one and he's the only liar? I hate gray-green orbs... it was to "artsy" for a piece with this much raw emotion... its to--- reifned? I hope that makes sense. Big Black Holed gives the same feel. I do like the last three lines though... again, very powerful and emotional.


and then you'll know. <- see other comment in first one...


please,
don't hold me so tight
while our limbs are entwined.
'cause i can't fight the urge
to reach deep inside
and rip out our veins,
tie us in our embrace, so
our blood
flows together
forever...

Wow... this was amazing ms. ray. Easily top 5 most powerful things I've ever read, and simultaneously top 5 most interesting/disgusting images I've ever imagined from reading something on here. Just wow.

and then you'll really fucking know.

Cut this... cut all of these lines in my opinion... they drag the piece down... they slow the assualt and emotion and don't even work very well as transfers. Plus, the last stanza was so amazing that I wanted it to end there... it wound down perfectly and was just scumptious, this felt tacked on.


This needs some refining... but it was easily one of my favorites from you because it wasn't as sugarcoated as the rest of your stuff... I felt like I got kicked in the gut with how in my face and just awesome this was.

Good Jorb.
#9
thanks zachy

the honest eye thing is referring to how people always say 'eyes don't lie' and i meant that they're too honest to be in my liar-face. make sense? (probably not...) and if i actually edit this, i promise i'll caps the pleases, just for you.

and thank you too redundecency(wow, that's confusing to type...) i kind of hate that part too. if i indeed decide to work on this, that part's definately gonna change.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#10
Quote by hope's downfall
Your message wasn't the time I've gotten a PM that said, "DO ME" somewhere in it.


please,
take your hand out of mine,
they feel too much alike.
mine is smaller, but it has
more to hide.
and when they're pressed together,
my secrets, your sweat
secrete,
combine,
absorb...

Not bad, your choice of words leaves something to be desired. You start strong, and then kill it with horrid words like, secrete and absorb. Are we talking about holding hands or osmosis? Hands usually don't secrete things either, be it sweat or juice or whatever. Secrete usually implies an oozing quality, or something and unless you have Herpes on her fingers, I don't think that applies to you.

and then you'll know. Get rid of this.


please,
let me close my eyes,
just for a little while.
they're too honest
in the face of a liar.
and when your gray-green orbs
match my big black holes,
they'll scream,
they'll cry,
they'll fall...

Orbs? Come on really? An orb is not an eyeball. An orb is more like...something Gandalf the Grey would shoot out of his magic wonder staff at a goblin. Seriously consider you choice of words. Thing is, don't be afraid of saying something simple...simple. People usually try and make everything they say sound so cryptic and poetic. Here's an example, say you want to say:

His eyes are summer blue.

A bad writer will write:

The balls in his head were azure like a summer day in July.


A good writer will write:

His eyes are summer blue.

See what I mean, don't be afraid to simplify what you're saying, usually what you have in your head sounds better, and is more natural than some psuedo poetic garbage that you muster up after twenty minutes of thinking for another word for hands, and no, grabbers is not a good word.


and then you'll know. Get rid of it


please,
don't hold me so tight
while our limbs are entwined.
'cause i can't fight the urge
to reach deep inside
and rip out our veins,
tie us in our embrace, so
our blood
flows together
forever...

Solid stanza, nothing to change. I was half expecting you to throw another absurd word from Final Fantasy.

and then you'll really fucking know. Ruins an otherwise decent ending. Get rid of this one line in-betweeners, they add nothing and just disrupt the flow of stanza to stanza.




Anyway, fix some diction choices, and maybe add a little more substance to an otherwise very minimal piece.

This gets my approval.


matt.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#11
please,
take your hand out of mine,
they feel too much alike.
mine is smaller, but it has
more to hide.
and when they're pressed together,
my secrets, your sweat
secrete,
combine,
absorb...

and then you'll know.

i would consider using line breaks less frequently. doesn't seem as though you've given those a huge amount of thought. not that everything should be severly analyzed or anything. but it seems contrived. and the line breaks really aren't adding a whole lot since the rhymes are apparent enough without extra emphasis. i don't usually like one word openers; you could have 'please, take your hand out of mine' as a singular line. i like the content here though. it's simple but grabs the readers attention, or at least mine. the '...' after 'absorb' makes the reader expect a continuation, i'd remove it, because one line stanzas should almost always be unexpected. also remove the 'and then'. it's unnesseccary. overall, a good opening.

please,
let me close my eyes,
just for a little while.
they're too honest
in the face of a liar.
and when your gray-green orbs
match my big black holes,
they'll scream,
they'll cry,
they'll fall...

the same issue here with the line breaks. it isn't a huge problem. just offering some advice. 'they're too honest in the face of a liar' is great and this stanza as a whole adds a considerable amount to the story. but as Mat mentioned, 'gray-green orbs' is horrific, haha. also, a synonym for 'match' should be considered, that word really doesn't do it for me. as in the opening stanza the '...' annoys me.

and then you'll know.

good repitition but see what i've said already about this line. 'you know' would work much better, be more hard hitting.

please,
don't hold me so tight
while our limbs are entwined.
'cause i can't fight the urge
to reach deep inside
and rip out our veins,
tie us in our embrace, so
our blood
flows together
forever...

hmm. i obviously see what you're doing with the 'please' opening every stanza (bar the two one liners), but it isn't strong enough to use a third time. i would revise the beginning of this stanza, make it more intruiging. 'hold me so tight' is god awful to be honest. that phrase has been used billions times previous by everybody. think of a metaphor, add a little bit of an abstract feel perhaps. i didn't like the content of this stanza, it was a disappointment after i was beginning to think the story was developing. it seems as if you hit a dead end with this part. as if you were totally uninspired and just ploughed through another stanza just for the hell of it. that's the impression it gives at least. it wasn't awful or anything, though.

and then you'll really ****ing know.

good use of repitition. i like this line.

to summarize. i appreciated the minimalism and style of writing but it needs a little something more to create a memorable piece. if you could come up with one or two original metaphors, phrases, or ideas, whatever, then the piece would benefit hugely. but an enjoyable read. thanks.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=789731 please! some comments would be much appreciated.

looking forward to reading more from you
#12
I liked it, but I think there's something about the first and second stanzas that makes them feel a lot stronger than the third one...probably because "reach deep inside and rip out our veins" seems like an overused sentiment, but you used it artistically nonetheless. Your imagery is fantastic, especially about the eyes in the second stanza.

Crit mine? It's called "God was in Recess."
#13
I enjoy how it gradually grows darker and darker, rather than it being one large hole of blackness. The images are very intense, although I think you could've described the eyes in the second stanza a little better than grey-green, but if not, it still fits very well.
Signature
#14
please,
take your hand out of mine,
they feel too much alike.
mine is smaller, but it has
more to hide.
and when they're pressed together,
my secrets, your sweat
secrete,
i didn't care for the way secrets and secrete
played against each other.
they were spaced a little too far apart.
if you find a way to have one come right after the other,
it might give more impact.

combine,
absorb...

and then you'll know.
i'll go along with matt on this one.
it is somewhat disruptive to the flow.


please,
let me close my eyes,
just for a little while.
they're too honest
in the face of a liar.
and when your gray-green orbs
match my big black holes,
maybe meet, rather than match?
these two lines fell a little short, i think.
orbs has been done to death.
holes feels more like eyesockets than dark eyes.
consider alternatives for these two,
even if they aren't round.

they'll scream,
they'll cry,
they'll fall...

and then you'll know.


please,
don't hold me so tight
while our limbs are entwined.
'cause i can't fight the urge
to reach deep inside
and rip out our veins,
tie us in our embrace, so
our blood
flows together
forever...

and then you'll really fucking know.
if you decide to keep the 3 retorts,
you might want them to escalate.
the first could be might know
the second probably know
and the third, as-is.

btw, if you tire of this guy,
you can rip my veins out, anytime.

Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#15
i'll keep that in mind, syk.

thanks to all you guys. you're super helpful.

i'm gonna do a major edit and use this to get my ass kicked by steve^2. i don't think i'll edit the op, though, so just pm me if you wanna see it and offer some more advice.
*hinthint*winkwink*

ummm, mods, feel free to close this bad boy. its been up for a while, and i dont really need more crits on it. and i'm kind of unnecessarily bumping.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?