#1
"Your skin is blue."
"The stars have shone brighter every night since I met you."


Hypothermia is setting in already.

and the loud speaker cracks as they announce, "The flight time has been shifted, it's starting to snow."

Everyone boards the plane, bundled in scarves and heavy winter coats.
"Last flight for a month," they announce again.
You move to go, and I grab your sleeve and say,
"Let's wait."

While we wait for the plane to leave, the terminal empties. I am stalling for time. We wait so long the airport shuts down, and everyone goes home to their families. They didn't notice that we were real. You sat with your hand in mine. We wait until the darkness comes, and envelops the building, and the snow is blanketing, muffling every move that you make. I am not scared. Not this time.
As my breathing slows, I find the words, speaking after the many hours of the icy silence.
"We have all the time."
"With your skin pressed against mine, I think this is how it feels to fly."


The fog sets in, and the sounds get sharper. I am freezing to death, and it's all because of you.

"My skin is turning blue."
"I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."
Last edited by inthegreyx at Aug 25, 2012,
#2
This is solid. Totally loved it.

There was a few things, like

"While we wait for the people and the plane to leave..."

You've already said that everyone has boarded the plane a few lines before, so I don't think it's necessary to use "people" here...

I didn't quite get this line:

"You sat with your hand in mind, and pretended not to mind"

Overall, I think the structure could be better, but the opening is effective and attention grabbing, really effective.

Nicely worded, nice images, solid piece imo.

Please crit my latest if you get a chance:


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=787956
Thanks, martin
#3
yeah, I noticed the mistake, and changed mind to mine. Which makes much more sense.m I thought about removing people too... I think I will. Thanks.
#4
I hate the simplistic rhymes at the beginning and at the end
=P
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.