#1
hey guys, here's my latest song. it's called "dissolved" and by the end you i hope you have a good idea what it's about, or else i did a ****ty job.

if you want me to read your latest i'd love to, so post a link and i'll check it out.

hope ya like Dissolved!


Dissolved
she rests her head on the windowpane
she's alone in the back of a moving train
it blurs the trees til the scene all looks the same
her heavy eyes close so easily
and her frayed black hair tells its own story
and she's heading to someplace she knew she'd someday see

where is her smile
to her back
or just ahead
on the tracks
seek or run
the train goes on
the train goes on

her mystery makes a tired man think
as he sits alone, pours himself a drink
in the place that she called home and now has no link
as he reaches where her hand should be
his own it trembles constantly
and he's left with something he thought he'd never see

where is his heart
on the train
or in his glass
he thinks in vain
cuz the train goes on
and the bottle's dry
and the bottle's dry

the children sit upstairs
and wonder if they care
they lie awake in beds tucked in themselves
there are kisses all around
but they'll plummet to the ground
cuz underneath is the broken sense of what is right

where is their home
is it a place
or an idea they no longer taste
the train goes on
and the bottle's dry
and they stand left and empty
and they stand left and empty
and they stand left and empty
If you expect a kick in the balls and get a slap in the face, it's a victory.
-Ardal O'Hanlon

ME \/
http://fwa.dmusic.com
#2
Really good song, very well written. The rhyming didn't sound forced at all, and everything flowed really smoothly. Do you have any music planned for it yet? Because this sounds to me like a really good acoustic song, and I think you could go far with it if you add music.

Here's my latest song, if you get the chance, I would really appreciate any comments you have https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=787195
TheInfringement
#3
Quote by iconoclast816
hey guys, here's my latest song. it's called "dissolved" and by the end you i hope you have a good idea what it's about, or else i did a ****ty job.

if you want me to read your latest i'd love to, so post a link and i'll check it out.

hope ya like Dissolved!


Dissolved
she rests her head on the windowpane
she's alone in the back of a moving train
it blurs the trees til the scene all looks the same
her heavy eyes close so easily
and her frayed black hair tells its own story
and she's heading to someplace she knew she'd someday see

Wow man, I like this already. I would possibly change windowpane and train; I just picture a windowpane as elegant and colourful and a train as kind of dull, almost as if the windowpane doesn't suite the scene. Wonderful first stanza though.

where is her smile
to her back
or just ahead
on the tracks
seek or run
the train goes on
the train goes on

This is not bad. Surprisingly, the last two lines kind of work, though they are repeated. It could be sung fading away into the distance, like the train itself.

her mystery makes a tired man think
as he sits alone, pours himself a drink
in the place that she called home and now has no link
as he reaches where her hand should be
his own it trembles constantly
and he's left with something he thought he'd never see

I'm not sure on the AAABBB rhyming scheme...although the content is good; I would change "link" ; as soon as I read that it kind of jarred the flow a little. But it's still good!

where is his heart
on the train
or in his glass
he thinks in vain
cuz the train goes on
and the bottle's dry
and the bottle's dry

Again, good fade out style lines. Please change "cuz" to " 'cause" or "because"; that ruined the stanza, sadly.

the children sit upstairs
and wonder if they care
they lie awake in beds tucked in themselves
there are kisses all around
but they'll plummet to the ground
cuz underneath is the broken sense of what is right

AGAIN with "cuz", lol. It's severely impacting the lyrics. The rest is fine, save for line 5. It doesn't really fit too well; I'm sure there's an alternative.

where is their home
is it a place
or an idea they no longer taste
the train goes on
and the bottle's dry
and they stand left and empty
and they stand left and empty
and they stand left and empty

No problems here. I like the allusion between a bottle of booze being empty and their lives being empty. Kudos.


Overall, just take a look at those suggestions I made, and it will be a killer tune. Really, really good job. Perhaps wait for more crits to see if they think the same, or maybe I'm just crazy.

If you have time, look at my untitled poem in my sig. Thanks.

Mark