#1
alright i'm new at this sharing thing but i could really use some help so here it is

I don’t wanna wait
I don’t wanna wait another day
Either make your decision
Or I’ll be on my way

You tried to save yourself
By saying he was just a friend
But you could’ve told me
That we was at our end

I heard that he was back
But I didn’t wanna attack
My feelings for you
But I knew you wasn’t true

You tried to save yourself
By saying he was just a friend
But you could’ve told me
That we was at our end

When I saw you said you loved him
To him and your best friends
Then I said to myself
That we was at our end(block chord)

And I wondered what you did with him (Woah)
Till I saw your room with lights all dimmed (Woah)
Knowin that we wouldn’t get back together
But then he said forever
But you knew it wasn’t true(Whoa)
Cuz you said forever to me
And I said forever to you (Woah Woah Woah Woah)

So I heard he broke up with you
After you just had to stay
Then you came crawling back to me
And I forgot about us that day
#3
Quote by deathpidgeon
i don't wanna wait...for my taco to get colder-Peter Griffins "Dawson's Creek" Intro.


come on i'm serious granted that was a sweet episode but some feedback would be niec
#4
Quote by brucehead
alright i'm new at this sharing thing but i could really use some help so here it is

I don’t wanna wait
I don’t wanna wait another day
Didn't really like the repitition.
Either make your decision
Or I’ll be on my way
Quite bland word choice, and pretty cliché, it all flows well and states your point though.

You tried to save yourself
By saying he was just a friend
Again, it's pretty boring language, spark it up a little.
But you could’ve told me
That we was at our end
Nice image, but it was expected that this was coming. Use more imagery to portray your points.

I heard that he was back
But I didn’t wanna attack
Didn't like this at all, too bland.
My feelings for you
But I knew you wasn’t true
Doesn't really make sense. I would change "But" to "and that", showing that you didn't want to attack your feelings that they weren't true. Also, change "wasn't" to "weren't", doesn't make sense as it is.

You tried to save yourself
By saying he was just a friend
But you could’ve told me
That we was at our end
"You tried", "By saying", "told me", all really bland. Needs changing imo.

When I saw you said you loved him
Awkward wording, doesn't really make sense to me: "saw you said"
To him and your best friends
Repitition of "him", don't like it.
Then I said to myself
That we was at our end(block chord)
"That we were at our end"

And I wondered what you did with him (Woah)
Till I saw your room with lights all dimmed (Woah)
Knowin that we wouldn’t get back together
But then he said forever
This isn't a turning point, so no need to say "but", say something like "when he said forever", because then that shows he's the reason for you not getting back together, ties in better.
But you knew it wasn’t true(Whoa)
I don't like this, doesn't make sense as he could be being true, the fact is if she said it, it wouldn't have been true.
Cuz you said forever to me
And I said forever to you (Woah Woah Woah Woah)
Don't like the repitition of "forever", I would change this to "and ever", it's cliché but works better imo.

So I heard he broke up with you
After you just had to stay
Then you came crawling back to me
And I forgot about us that day
Didn't really understand this stanza.


Weak ending and needs stronger word choice and more imagery to get away from the cliché phrases. Some of it doesn't make sense and the flow is just non-existent in some places, but keep working on it, because it's a piece I wanted to actually hear what happens at the end because you're speaking from the heart.

I also like the turning point "That we were at our end" - this is effective, just build on this and improve the blandness.

Crit mine? : https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=787956

thanks, Martin
#5
thanks this was one of the first songs i wrote so i didn't have as much experience
i understand the blandness quality of it so thank you
i'll try to change it
Last edited by brucehead at Feb 17, 2008,
#6
I think its really good. I'd give it a bluesy rythm. I think it would have a really good flow with that. great job.