#1
I explore a sea of faces,
some crumpled, some vitality.

The mass of expression
lends itself to comparison,
with leaves.

Some of us are up high
thriving in clear view, others;
crunched carelessly under foot.

However,
the ones we notice most
are those who fall
most rapidly.


16/02/08

m + w.
#3
Quote by bowl of oranges
I explore a sea of faces,
some crumpled, some vitality.

well, in keeping with the parallel structure of "some adjective, some adjective", i think "vital" would be better there. the opening isn't terribly seductive.

The mass of expression
lends itself to comparison,
with leaves.

pretty straight forward.


Some of us are up high
thriving in clear view, others;
crunched carelessly under foot.

i liked this part, it saved the piece for me.


However,
the ones we notice most
are those who fall
most rapidly.

pretty good execution of the analogy, but now what? you've made the comparison, i think you should bring it home somehow.


16/02/08

m + w.


it was short and blunt, and that can be a good thing, but in this case i felt like it was missing something.
#4
This piece was entirely observational, i wasn't trying to right any wrongs.

I can of course see how you would be left wanting more than i have given, a resolution, guidance, a reason. But i wasn't in the mood to offer any of that when i wrote this.

I just think vitality sounds and looks nicer than vital, i concede that is irregular to use it in this instance, but i wanted to anyway.
#5
I was actually happy with its length, and was a decent observational piece that does benefit from the lack of articulation throughout. Just because a piece is short does mean the impact still can't be grand, and i thought this had moments of grandness.

Heres mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=788355