#1

That one last drink
is never for the guy with love, or money,
it's for the one who's hands
ain't steady in the morning
ain't steady at night.
It's for the one who's still young -
barely even fucking born
in the grand scheme of things,
yet he's sucking bottles at the bar
before he goes to work
just so he can take a piss break,
before the boredom kills him off.

Love is when a woman tells a man -
"Sell all your possesions; house, car, clothes, everything,
then take the cash, put it all on red
at the roulette table,
and if the ball lands black I will go on a date with you" -
and he does it.
Money is when the ball lands red.
That one last drink is when it bounces around,
feeling fate surround it,
and slots itself neatly into the little green "0".

That one last drink is mine.




love is a dog from hell.



Last edited by we have sound at Feb 17, 2008,
#2
wow man, i really enjoyed this. very well developed, well spoken. great job.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#3
Awesome idea.

Lines one to five in stanza two are ****ing brilliant.

I'll try to add some criticism tomorrow.
#4
Overall, a pretty entertaining piece, with some decent introspective into the monotony life can sometimes (or all the time) be. Sometimes it is just a must to give all up and take a chance. reguardless if it is necessarily the "right decision or not.

Check mine if your would like:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=788355
#5
This is an effective bit of writing.

The tone is clear and cold, it resounds remarkably. The piece is well developed, i like how it's paced and the writing is solid throughout.

But, there's something i don't like about it. I can't quite put my finger on it.
#8
I know I said I'll offer some criticism. But I don't see anything wrong.

Great writing.
#9
Quote by we have sound

I wish.


You're doing fairly well.

that second stanza was powerful, saddening. Original, too. The whole piece got to me. I felt concerned, I felt sorry.

Thanks for sharing.
#11
kind of reeks of pretension, but like most of your work verbally very well executed. the intro is kiddy, it seems teenage. maybe in the vein of Fight Club where it is interesting, but you're diving through a box of cliches. the second stanza is really very good, i like the interplay and there is a slight change in feeling where the first evoked Pahalniuk, the second sort of evokes some post-modern love story ala "True Romance" which I think personally is very interesting. good work here.