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#1
Written by John Cleese


Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary&rdquo. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline&rdquo - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse&rdquo.

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
#2
yeah, seen that before. T'is funny!
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#4
You do realize that:

A. This is as old as the Queen (of England, that is)

and that

B. John Cleese didn't write this?

The clues to that extent can be found in the vast number of American in-jokes and Americanisms which no British person, least of all Colonel Cleese, would use.
#7
Quote by walk the land
Pride is a deadly sin; prepare for war, UK.


At least the British can read; no one could of read the whole letter in so little time...
#8
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.


Yeah so I watched rat race today Mr Cleese. The one where you played a sadistic, greedy english billionaire

Can't argue with 15 though
#9
I'm American and I find that ****ing hilarious
time machine. Inadvertently, I had created a
#12
YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

Go Cleese, he is right. I am in favour of instating all of those Godly laws. He speaks the truth, and it is the first time he has said something funny since Fawlty Towers.

I wish this would happen, we need to get Jeremy Clarkson and Jams May on side, and push this bill into Parliament and on Americans.
Quote by DrewsGotTheLife
yea man, who ever doesnt like pantera or think they suck doesnt like metal, end of discussion, they changed the freakin world n made history, so don't be sayin they suck, have respect, same goes for machine head n lamb of god cuz their good too
#14
Never seen that before

Love numbers 2, 10 & 17
[quote="'[x"]Huffy[x]']^ This man knows everything.

Seriously, don't even try and question him, he'll rip your face off with his awesomeness alone.
Quote by Kumanji
@ yet another win post from Vince. Kudos to you, sir.
#17
Quote by Cowardly Shoe
Only if the British make it a law to brush your teeth/ use mouthwash/ teeth-whitener


We choose not to look like clones promoted by Hollywood drones, instead, our teeth are a thing of pride and individuality. All of the American stereotypes mentioned above are true, the teeth stereotypes seem to be:

) epic fail,

b) the best you can come up with, and

c) something Spike Milligan has been going on about for years before Americans go their hands on them.
Quote by DrewsGotTheLife
yea man, who ever doesnt like pantera or think they suck doesnt like metal, end of discussion, they changed the freakin world n made history, so don't be sayin they suck, have respect, same goes for machine head n lamb of god cuz their good too
#20
that's some pretty golden copy and paste action right there.
MBOX2 - PRO TOOLS LE 7.3.1 - CUBASE SX3 - REASON 4
ATTACK_DECAY_SUSTAIN_RELEASE_
#21
Quote by freddaahh
YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

Go Cleese, he is right. I am in favour of instating all of those Godly laws. He speaks the truth, and it is the first time he has said something funny since Fawlty Towers.

I wish this would happen, we need to get Jeremy Clarkson and Jams May on side, and push this bill into Parliament and on Americans.


A. He lives in LA, has adopted a drawl, and guest-starred in Will and Grace.

You really, really think he wrote this? I think he kinda enjoys America as it is, don't you?

B. Leave. Like, right now.

C. James May, the guy who loves the Americanism of Evil Knievel? Yeah.

D. Um, it's called Congress.
#22
Quote by webbtje
The clues to that extent can be found in the vast number of American in-jokes and Americanisms which no British person, least of all Colonel Cleese, would use.


Example?

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


gotta disagree with this one. Coors and american Budweiser are well nice.
#23
Quote by freddaahh
We choose not to look like clones promoted by Hollywood drones, instead, our teeth are a thing of pride and individuality. All of the American stereotypes mentioned above are true, the teeth stereotypes seem to be:

) epic fail,

b) the best you can come up with, and

c) something Spike Milligan has been going on about for years before Americans go their hands on them.


If most of the Americans who read this can laugh at 20 points in good humour, can you not try to take this one stereotypical comment and rise above it?
Quote by Paul Lambeth
It's like having the best orgasm of your life ever, but in your brain, and the opposite of that.
#24
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.


is it as distressing as listening to tim roth in reservoir dogs?
#DTWD
#26
Quote by Eirien
Example?




OK.

(except Kansas, which she does not fancy)


That, right there, is the equivalent of an American person going "Wales is rubbish".

Because when was the last time you heard an English person slagging off Kansas?
#27
Quote by webbtje
C. James May, the guy who loves the Americanism of Evil Knievel? Yeah.


No, that's Richard Hammond.
#28
Quote by Eirien
gotta disagree with this one. Coors and american Budweiser are well nice.

They taste of nothing.

I've had glasses of water that tasted more interesting.
#31
I'm cool with it. Where's the tea?
Quote by Tire Me.
Raping her in front of other people would be morally wrong.

Quote by Bubbles516
wtf290 uses make bubbles feel like crap
Its super effective!
#33
Quote by Spamwise
it's spelled aluminum over here. we're different than you. get over it.


You wouldn't be alive if it wasnt for my ancestors, so learn our laguage properly and respected!!!
#34
I havn't seen that before. Its sooooo funny!

John Cleese is a legend.
Down from the Glen came the Marching Men
With their sheilds and their swords
To fight the fight they believed to be right
Overthrow the overlords...
#35
Quote by markodeano1
You wouldn't be alive if it wasnt for my ancestors, so learn our laguage properly and respected!!!



I refer to Douglas Adams: more than one exclamation mark is a sign of insanity.
#36
Quote by markodeano1
You wouldn't be alive if it wasnt for my ancestors, so learn our laguage properly and respected!!!

the language you use is nothing close to the english your ancestors used, hypocrite.
#37
Quote by markodeano1
You wouldn't be alive if it wasnt for my ancestors, so learn our laguage properly and respected!!!


wasn't*

1 exclamation mark and perhaps, "learn our language properly and respect it!" would make more sense.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#38


Note how an anti-america thread has a lot more people complaining about how old it is.
#40
Quote by meh!
wasn't*

1 exclamation mark and perhaps, "learn our language properly and respect it!" would make more sense.

why do people even care? It's not "disrespectful" or anything stupid like that. Why would you even care about respecting a language? i'm sick of all the US hate.
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