#1
This is my first post in here. It is still under construction, but I don't wanna make it too huge.
Thank you alot, if you read this and thank you even more if you make a comment. Anyway here goes:

Stalking Love

looking at you
don't know what to say
never know what to do
cause you make me into clay

daydreaming's just fine
been doing that for some time now
but I really need you to be mine
I just can't figure how

Cause all I am to you
Is a shadow on the wall
About my feelings you've no clue
I'm just a stranger you met in the mall
#2
Quote by Bo_Ka2
This is my first post in here. It is still under construction, but I don't wanna make it too huge. Thank you alot, if you read this and thank you even more if you make a comment. Anyway here goes:

Stalking Love

looking at you
don't know what to say
never know what to do
cause you make me into clay
This seems very..... simple, I guess. And by using clay to rhyme with say, it sounds very forced. This section could use some editing.

daydreaming's just fine
been doing that for some time now
but I really need you to be mine
I just can't figure how
This is much better than the above stanza, though it could still use some work. Flow is better, but not quite perfect.

Cause all I am to you
Is a shadow on the wall
About my feelings you've no clue
I'm just a stranger you met in the mall
This is probably my favorite stanza, though the last line sounds VERY forced. Instead of 'a stranger you met in the mall', make it something like, 'You don't understand me at all.' I think it flows better than 'mall' does.


Overall, very good for your first work. The only problem I had was that you used very small, simple words to rhyme. In the future, you should try branching out and using larger words to make the song more interesting. But overall, good job.
TheInfringement
#4
Quote by vincemario
what type of song is this gonna be for?


Haven't desided yet, but might end up being some kind of alternative rock. Abit Katatonia inspired..
Last edited by Bo_Ka2 at Feb 17, 2008,
#5
Quote by TheInfringement
Overall, very good for your first work. The only problem I had was that you used very small, simple words to rhyme. In the future, you should try branching out and using larger words to make the song more interesting. But overall, good job.


Thanks for reading and so on.
Yea, I can see your point - it sounds kinda forced now that mention it. About the being-simple-thing, I kinda wanted it to be simple because I personal often get tired of lyrics with too fancy words
But I will work on it - Thanks for the reply
#7
Quote by Bo_Ka2
This is my first post in here. It is still under construction, but I don't wanna make it too huge.
Thank you alot, if you read this and thank you even more if you make a comment. Anyway here goes:

Stalking Love

looking at you
don't know what to say
never know what to do
cause you make me into clay

Horribly cliché. Except the "clay" part; I laughed, because it's so cheesy.

daydreaming's just fine
been doing that for some time now
but I really need you to be mine
I just can't figure how

"Figure out how"...would work better. It's okay.

Cause all I am to you
Is a shadow on the wall
About my feelings you've no clue
I'm just a stranger you met in the mall

Again, not very good flow; rhyming is too forced and again, the last line has coaxed a laugh from me.


It needs a rewrite, and a more original idea/presentation. Don't get discouraged, it could be good with more time.

You don't have to crit any of mine since you probably think I'm an ass.
#8
Stalking Love

looking at you
don't know what to say
never know what to do
cause you make me into clay

mm intresitng i like the clay thing very cute. not cliche. but yea i agree with who ever said this feels kidna forced

daydreaming's just fine
been doing that for some time now
but I really need you to be mine
I just can't figure how

this is good i like the opening day dreaming is just fine very cute lol. last 2 lines dont seem to really fit.

Cause all I am to you
Is a shadow on the wall
About my feelings you've no clue
I'm just a stranger you met in the mall

i agree with who ever siad this is the best stanza it just think it's funny. you wouldn't think like stranger in the mall lol

over all this isnt bad. it's very simle that is.. good and bad. good caz i mean it's very good on that level. but hter isnt much depth in there. but over all not bad.. i liked it. it was cute it served it's purpose
crit mine? in sig
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#9
Quote by XxGibsonSGxX
It needs a rewrite, and a more original idea/presentation. Don't get discouraged, it could be good with more time.

You don't have to crit any of mine since you probably think I'm an ass.


Hehe, I will crit some of yours - no hard feelings
#10
Quote by me<-needs help
Stalking Love
i agree with who ever siad this is the best stanza it just think it's funny. you wouldn't think like stranger in the mall lol

over all this isnt bad. it's very simle that is.. good and bad. good caz i mean it's very good on that level. but hter isnt much depth in there. but over all not bad.. i liked it. it was cute it served it's purpose
crit mine? in sig


Thanks for respond - I've critted yours about the angel.

About the "Stranger met in the mall"-part, it's because the song Stalking Love isn't about love that you can't get rid of, but it's about this stalker who is in love with a woman he met in the mall.. kinda bizzare