#1
c4c. Leave a Link.


Don't think much of my kind gestures
they are only to my advantage,
and if you think its for your protection,
you best think of the damage.

Manipulation is my gift
I am ever so kind to use,
Keep thinking i wont drift
anywhere near you.

Now as I show my vengance,
You hear the cry of a young man
"We had to, and where about to go,
but just like the weather, complications arose"

The corrupt keep coming and going,
and the devil has left its mark,
the people of Pompeii will fall,
even if I take it all

"You think you can control nature?
you think the gods will standby and watch?"
You never thought of the danger,
You never thought of the catch

"'direct apology':
these words have never been so scarce"
"well what do you expect
when man is so focused on themselves?"
Last edited by thefoundationof at Feb 18, 2008,
#3
^ Sorry to say but I agree with Zanas here, not terribly impressed for a few reasons

1) Confused syntax in places makes for difficult reading, and I assume vocalising

2) using "quoted" speech can work in songs but here I think it further muddles the flow and stops the efficient narrative

3) Using a ABAB rhyme is definately workable here, but some of the rhymes were kinda sloppy and only just worked with some effort on the reader's part to make the mental jump

4) Verses like this:

Manipulation is my gift
I am ever so kind to use,
Keep thinking i wont drift
anywhere near you.


seem to make little if any logical sense...

Sorry for the negative crit but, got to be honest
#4
Quote by thefoundationof

Don't think much of my kind gestures
they are only to my advantage,
and if you think its for your protection,
you best think of the damage.

the first line needed a "too" in front of much to read correctly to me... it also begs for a semi-colon at the end. Rhyming damage and advantage seemed like an easy way out... its too obvious and doesn't really work for me. I'll leave my reaction to the whole thing and message at the bottom.

Manipulation is my gift
I am ever so kind to use,
Keep thinking i wont drift
anywhere near you.

Second line was worded funny... I didn't like it at all. This whole stanza just seems to be written in a circular manner... like you were trying to say something but instead just talked about what you wanted to say. Plus, the first half of this seems unconnected from the last.


Now as I show my vengance,
You hear the cry of a young man
"We had to, and where about to go,
but just like the weather, complications arose"

Meh... this is so forced sounding... and cheesy, I can hardly muster enough stomach to read through it. It's 'were' not 'where,' I think. The quote part was just so... corny.

The corrupt keep coming and going,
and the devil has left its mark,
the people of Pompeii will fall,
even if I take it all

Fall and all? really? that's a glaringly obvious rhyme.

"You think you can control nature?
you think the gods will standby and watch?"
You never thought of the danger,
You never thought of the catch

I liked the last two lines... and actually this was the first stanza I enjoyed.

"'direct apology':
these words have never been so scarce"
"well what do you expect
when man is so focused on themselves?"

flow was crap here. I didn't like the colon.



Here's the main part of my crit:

This whole thing seemed overly forced, cheesy, and generally not good. Honestly, I could picture someone who was writing a history report about Pompeii, was struggling so they hit a lot of sauce and then came back and wrote this... it's just so corny. You take easy rhymes, you write careless and seemingly unrelated lines and patch them together to form stanzas and you generally didn't do much as far as style or content to make this worth remembering.

Sorry mate, I usually enjoy reading your stuff, but this one struck me quite poorly. Sorry for such a negative crit too, but I know I always prefer a negative one to someone trying to talk in circles and put a positive spin on something they didn't like.

C4C on sunburnt penguins in my sig.

-zC
Last edited by ZanasCross at Feb 18, 2008,