#1
so i figure you'll know what the song is about & hopefully it isn't as bland as my last one

Well daddy can you turn that TV down
Don't you know it's getting late
Didn't you make a promise to me
That we could start over on a new slate
Tonight hasn't been that perfect
You've yelled louder than you usually would
Is it cause you had to
Or is it cause you could

Well granted we've had our laughs
Watch TV & eat some cake
See rock n roll concerts
Until our bodies ached
But then we got home and you changed back
Changed back to the man I hate
So daddy right now; can you gimme a little break

Well don't you find it funny
How we've made it to this point
We used to be the best of friends
Now you say all I do is disappoint
But lately it's been so hard
Our friendship's nearly yelled away
So daddy don't you understand
Why you and I had to stray

Well granted we've had our laughs
Watch TV & eat some cake
See rock n roll concerts
Until our bodies ached
But then we got home and you changed back
Changed back to the man I hate
So daddy right now; can you gimme a little break

Now I'm not trying to be rude
I'm just saying you have your flaws
Like any other human being
But yours seemed to be the last straw
I know it's hard to live with me
You've told me many times
But it seems now
You have crossed the line


Well granted we've had our laughs
Watch TV & eat some cake
See rock n roll concerts
Until our bodies ached
But then we got home and you changed back
Changed back to the man I hate
So daddy right now; can you gimme a little break
#4
this sint bad at all its actually really good. I may only feel that way cause this is literally how my home life goes only with my mom and alittle wiht my dad. one minute me and my mom will be having fun the next ill accidently make a mistake and she will bich and bitch and bitch. I usually end up getting picked up by my friends mom cause she loves me to death and staying over there. But yea this is really well done
#5
Well i love it! When getting to some of the more "personal" parts it felt like I was peeking into someone's diary, i almost wanted to look over my shoulder I love honesty like that and I enjoy songs and poems with this same direct style. It's really easy to relate to it too b/c who hasn't had there parents laughing with them one moment and making them feel horrible the next.
#6
Very easy to relate to, direct and too the point. I absolutly love it, do you have music for it yet?
Call me Dom
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#7
Quote by brucehead
so i figure you'll know what the song is about & hopefully it isn't as bland as my last one

Well daddy can you turn that TV down
Don't you know it's getting late
Didn't you make a promise to me
That we could start over on a new slate

Tonight hasn't been that perfect
You've yelled louder than you usually would
Is it cause you had to
Or is it cause you couldBolded part seems a little awkward. Try condensing "That we could start over on a new slate". Other than that, good stanza.

Well granted we've had our laughs
Watch TV & eat some cake
See rock n roll concerts
Until our bodies ached

But then we got home and you changed back
Changed back to the man I hate
So daddy right now; can you gimme a little breakThe bolded part's rhyme seems forced. Try changing up "eat some cake" to something different so the line after it can have a more natural rhyme. Like the last three lines a lot.

Well don't you find it funny
How we've made it to this point
We used to be the best of friends
Now you say all I do is disappoint
But lately it's been so hard
Our friendship's nearly yelled away
So daddy don't you understand
Why you and I had to strayMaybe condense bolded part to: "now all I do is disappoint". Still makes sense without all the "you say i do" excess. Other than that everything fine.

Well granted we've had our laughs
Watch TV & eat some cake
See rock n roll concerts
Until our bodies ached
But then we got home and you changed back
Changed back to the man I hate
So daddy right now; can you gimme a little break

Now I'm not trying to be rude
I'm just saying you have your flaws
Like any other human being
But yours seemed to be the last straw
I know it's hard to live with me
You've told me many times
But it seems now
You have crossed the lineFor bolded: how about just "but this is the last straw?"


Well granted we've had our laughs
Watch TV & eat some cake
See rock n roll concerts
Until our bodies ached
But then we got home and you changed back
Changed back to the man I hate
So daddy right now; can you gimme a little break



With a little revising, it is a great piece. Good story, it should have ended all br00tl with like you killing him or something (jk).


c4c, motha****a
#8
thanks for the crits guys sorry i wasn't able to get back to you all earlier. i wrote some easy piano/harmonica melodies to it so w/ an acoustic guitar it sounds good w/ my band. i'll show you my next one tomorrow
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