#1
this is something a friend of mine wrote yesterday or so... not sure whether it's supposed to be a song or more a poem...anyway, tell me what you think! c4c


Sometimes I wish I could put all my feelings into a song and sing them all away like balloons that fly above in the sky…
So I could stop worrying and thinking about all the problems and could just start again where I’ve finished and live my life full of hope and joy…

Sometimes I wish I could appreciate more and be thankful for all the small things that make life wonderful and exiting …
So I could take a break and feel the energy running thru my veins and enjoy every moment of this great thing that we call to be loved …

But tell my, oh please tell me, how can I stop thinking of you in anger when you did this to me? How can I forget everything you told me ? How can I wipe out my pain ?

I trusted you, I thought this could be it, the big thing everybody is looking for then you , you
said it can’t work but before you promised everything will be alright , we dreamt together about our future, I never felt this way before…


But tell my, oh please tell me, how can I stop thinking of you in anger when you did this to me? How can I forget everything you told me ? How can I wipe out my pain ?

Sometimes I sit in my room all by myself and memories start to come back I can’t avoid it,
A piece of a song, a picture something always reminds me of you and I yield to despair …

Sometimes I don’t believe that there’s anybody outside waiting for me , maybe I’ve lost the only one who really cared, who loved me the way I was before this happened to me…


But tell my, oh please tell me, how can I stop thinking of you in anger when you did this to me? How can I forget everything you told me ? How can I wipe out my pain ?

I trusted you, I thought this could be it, the big thing everybody is looking for then you , you
said it can’t work but before you promised everything will be alright , we dreamt together about our future, I never felt this way before…


But tell my, oh please tell me, how can I stop thinking of you in anger when you did this to me? How can I forget everything you told me ? How can I wipe out my pain?

However, now I’ll abandon your memories in a big packet of emotions and throw them overboard in to the stream of life …let’s hope they’ll only come back in good souvenir…
Does anybody out there want to help me?
#2
Definitely more of a poem. It's just rather long that way. Might be a bit too wordy.

I like the feel of the poem/song. That goes without saying. I rarely comment on someone's song when I don't like the way it flows in the first place.

You need to carry out some fine tuning (minor spelling/grammar mistakes etc).
It's important to constantly edit your songs.

And try breaking them up into further sections. You could try looking at my article on song structure (link's in my sig). It's by no mean the best or only guide, but I hope it helps. Pay attention to how I liken a song to a story (particularly works in your case). Keep up the good work. I'm keeping tabs on you.

Oh, it's not your work. But tell your friend anyway.

And make it stand out. Yes, it's a story of rejection (right?). A million other songs are about rejection. Make it unique. And make sure that by the end of the song, something has changed. In this case, I didn't feel anything different than from the start. You just gave me excess details.
Last edited by linkinwayne at Feb 18, 2008,