#1
Quick piece, bit disjointed (imo) and needs work but my band was writing a song at the time and I rattled these off in my head and thought I'd get them down....Enjoy, and C4C


Grail Bake

As the haze clears from the edges of you mind
Clarity comes through the fog of numbness
Memories of things you would rather forget
And the strangeness of the mundane

How could you live in this world
Where suffering is normal
And the pain starts at dawn
As the world wakes to a cloud of black
Thrown up by the callous hand of man

Choke as you go under again
Into the bliss of ignorance
Lotus eaters, all of us
Lives lived like sleepwalkers
Inside the womb of water and paper
#2
Quote by EvilWeevil
Quick piece, bit disjointed (imo) and needs work but my band was writing a song at the time and I rattled these off in my head and thought I'd get them down....Enjoy, and C4C


Grail Bake

As the haze clears from the edges of you mind
Clarity comes through the fog of numbness
Memories of things you would rather forget
And the strangeness of the mundane

I like all but the last line, I'd change that.



How could you live in this world
Where suffering is normal
And the pain starts at dawn
As the world wakes to a cloud of black
Thrown up by the callous hand of man

I absolutely love this stanza, especially the third and fourth line.


Choke as you go under again
Into the bliss of ignorance
Lotus eaters, all of us
Lives lived like sleepwalkers
Inside the womb of water and paper

This line, to be completely honest, didn't make much sense to me. I'd just switch around some words, and it could be very good.





Overall good piece. Had some strong and weak points, but I'd love to see a revision.


Did I hear C4C?

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=790019
#3
Quote by EvilWeevil

Grail Bake

As the haze clears from the edges of your mind
Clarity comes through the fog of numbness
Memories of things you would rather forget
And the strangeness of the mundane

I did like the last line, the second one seemed a bit weird to me. not much flow that I can see, I think there is a flow in syllables. the only picky thing about the last line is that it sounds weird with the other three lines.

How could you live in this world
Where suffering is normal
And the pain starts at dawn
As the world wakes to a cloud of black
Thrown up by the callous hand of man

Really good. I enjoyed it.

Choke as you go under again
Into the bliss of ignorance
Lotus eaters, all of us
Lives lived like sleepwalkers
Inside the womb of water and paper

Really liked the word play in the fourth line.



Over all pretty good. The first stanza didnt have much flow but other than that this piece is pretty good.

c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=790066
#4
Quote by EvilWeevil
Quick piece, bit disjointed (imo) and needs work but my band was writing a song at the time and I rattled these off in my head and thought I'd get them down....Enjoy, and C4C


Grail Bake

As the haze clears from the edges of you mind
Clarity comes through the fog of numbness
Memories of things you would rather forget
And the strangeness of the mundane

This is lyrically impressive but I'm wondering about how it flows...I think the last line is a wee bit short

How could you live in this world
Where suffering is normal
And the pain starts at dawn
As the world wakes to a cloud of black
Thrown up by the callous hand of man

This is the highlight of the song for me, it pretty much sums up the things I've been thinking recently. Yet it's not too depressing, and you've hit a balance between anger and sorrow at the way the world is (am I right btw? )

Choke as you go under again
Into the bliss of ignorance
Lotus eaters, all of us
Lives lived like sleepwalkers
Inside the womb of water and paper

Again, another fine verse, and despite you thinking its disjointed I like this ending. Quick, abrupt, and effective



I think you've done really well with these, the flow of the verses seems natural, not at all forced, and you've managed to fit in a great message lyrically.
Once it's refined and perfected I'd love to hear this song, so let me know man!

Cheers
#5
Yeah i really liked this piece. Not the best flow but it makes up for it overall. I really like it especially the last verse. So overall very good and i would love to hear it when its complete
#6
Cheers for the crits guys, to clear up some confusion, the piece is talking about how narcotics numb the pain of the world, a world where if you stop to consider it makes the obscene and strange, the mundane....basically