#1
Simple song, its about keeping secrets from people you love and the tension that causes, about whether people in your present really need to know your past and how important is the past, is the person you're lying to suspicious, does the past make us who we are and does the past come back to haunt you always?

very rough demo (as all of mine are!) here;

http://www.myspace.com/thedefinitiveedition crit for crit etc etc

The whiskey left a faint trace, proof of the past
and the hunger in my belly says the present aint gonna last
the future always lasts too long, the optimists own dance
try to guess who we'll become before we've lost the chance

someones out to get me, I'm losing my mind
for once i'd like somebody to be on my side tonight
theres a skeleton in my closet whistling away the time
paranoia's only paranoia if its all in your mind

old bones he's got some panpipes, and he's feeling the beat
set the rythmic flames go crazy right beneath my feet
my hearts pounding like mad, trying to match the melody
and all because old bones and me, well, we've got history.

so we're sitting in the closet, with an empty bottle or three
sharing our nostalgia and our fading memories
and old bones turns and looks at me and whispers quietly
dont worry sweetheart, what will be will be.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#2
hey i really like this... one thing... i don't understand the rhythmic flames line... it's really good though i like the mental picture it paints at least to me... if this makes the cut message me i wanna hear the song... and if you could check mine out it's the Dear Heart post and give me any input i'd appreciate it... again i really like this
#3
The only way I can think of to describe it accurately is imagine your secret is a song, playing on a really low volume on the radio and the person you are lying to is there. You dont want him to find out and you're not sure if it is the song so you try to catch the beat, the melody. When you're lying or embarrased your heart beat increases, your body temperature rises and you blush. Hence the fire metaphor. Little abstract I know, but what the hell I'm drunk. Makes perfect sense to me. Will check your song now.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#5
I put the demo recording on my profile coz my myspace account is being an arse.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#8
Forgot/never knew your name, damn-right, but you're up their with the better songwriters that frequent S+L.

L4 of the first verse seems kind of weak to me compared to the rest. Just is predictable, and that's never good.

Also, I think it would be cooler if you just mentioned "old bones" just the once in the last line. It's like revealing the punchline to early when you refer to it in V3.

My thoughts.

Nice stuff.

I have something in my sig if you wish to trade a quick comment for a quick comment.

#9
Thanks jammydude44, appreciate the comments and I'll get to yours asap. I re-recorded the song and its up on my profile if anyone is interested.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk