#1
you're getting funky to the grooves
i'm quite impressed with your moves
all eyes have turned on you
and your loving it
twisting round the room like a snake
what you give is what you take
there's hands on thighs and eyes to eyes
lips to kiss we're loving this
girl you're looking rather fine
silver band and a glass of wine
if things were different you might be mine
and you've no idea
twisting round the room like a snake
what you give is what you take
there's skin to skin and tips tinglin'
lips to kiss we're loving this

and this house has turned us
into something we've devised
creatively consumed
and unsupervised
there's something in this place
that has us mesmerized
nothing you can do
there's nothing you can do

you're getting funky to the grooves
i'm quite impressed with your moves
all eyes have turned on you
and your loving it
twisting round the room like a snake
what you give is what you take
there's hands on thighs and eyes to eyes
lips to kiss we're loving this
love you're looking rather fine
silver band and a glass of wine
if things were different you might be mine
and you've no idea
twisting round the room like a snake
what you give is what you take
there's skin to skin and tips tinglin'
lips to kiss we're loving this

and this house has turned us
into something we've devised
creatively consumed
and unsupervised
there's something in this place
that has us mesmerized
but I feel
I can feel some thought holding me back

it's not the first time
that anticipation has let us down
oh tonight wasn't like it was last time

and we can all recall
better moments than this
when we weren't just drowning our sorrows
when there was something behind a kiss

and we were never like those down the recreation ground
downing shots and taking coke in grams
and we never made a sound when all the drink ran out
but tonight the corners turned
and I can feel my fingers being burned

it's not the best when you feel betrayed
by the stella in your hands
how did it all escape the plan
it's not there to understand
maybe if we all just put our glasses down

we could get back to that groove
where we all impress with our moves
and all eyes turn round the room
there's worthy brides for worthy grooms

girl you're looking rather fine
silver band and a glass of wine
if things were different you might be mine
and you've no idea
twisting round the room like a snake
what you give is what you take
there's skin to skin and tips tinglin'
lips to kiss we're loving this
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Feb 19, 2008,
#3
I love this.. I feel like its inspired by a tr!p of sorts.. Maybe? The flow is good, ideas move nicely from one verse to the next. IT is a bit long but I still enjoyed it. I would suggest removing the "taking coke in grams" part simply because your whole song is illusionary to drug use ( to me at least) and by saying this it breaks the illusion or wonder someone may have about that aspect.. 9.95/ 10
#4
I know you just gave a comment, but I have some things to say so I'll stanza by stanza this one.

Quote by Jammydude44
you're getting funky to the grooves
i'm quite impressed with your moves
all eyes have turned on you
and your loving it
twisting round the room like a snake
what you give is what you take
there's hands on thighs and eyes to eyes
lips to kiss we're loving this
girl you're looking rather fine
silver band and a glass of wine
if things were different you might be mine
and you've no idea
twisting round the room like a snake
what you give is what you take
there's skin to skin and tips tinglin'
lips to kiss we're loving this

Your rhymes... they were too obvious. They honestly ruined the mood you had set for me. I found myself thinking, wow... a third grader would have rhymed those, and it really made this section unenjoyable. The images you made were great... and the flow was tremendous... I just wish the rhymes wouldn't killed it. Also, its "there are" not "there is" in line 7. May have been intentional... but it bothered me. The rhymes thing runs throughout the piece.... so I won't comment on that anymore, just know it really hurt the whole thing in my eyes.

and this house has turned us
into something we've devised
creatively consumed
and unsupervised
there's something in this place
that has us mesmerized
nothing you can do
there's nothing you can do

punctuation would improve this 10 fold. I wanted so badly for there to be a comma after the first "do." The rest of this was ok... flow was great, but I wasn't really feeling the image. It's well done, just wasn't grooving with me.

you're getting funky to the grooves
i'm quite impressed with your moves
all eyes have turned on you
and your loving it
twisting round the room like a snake
what you give is what you take
there's hands on thighs and eyes to eyes
lips to kiss we're loving this
love you're looking rather fine
silver band and a glass of wine
if things were different you might be mine
and you've no idea
twisting round the room like a snake
what you give is what you take
there's skin to skin and tips tinglin'
lips to kiss we're loving this

and this house has turned us
into something we've devised
creatively consumed
and unsupervised
there's something in this place
that has us mesmerized
but I feel
I can feel some thought holding me back

it's not the first time
that anticipation has let us down
oh tonight wasn't like it was last time

and we can all recall
better moments than this
when we weren't just drowning our sorrows
when there was something behind a kiss

combine these two... they aren't complete enough by themselves. It just looks funny, and honestly, reads funny.

and we were never like those down the recreation ground
downing shots and taking coke in grams
and we never made a sound when all the drink ran out
but tonight the corners turned
and I can feel my fingers being burned

it's not the best when you feel betrayed
by the stella in your hands
how did it all escape the plan
it's not there to understand
maybe if we all just put our glasses down

In these two, your flow basically goes to crap. However, I think this was my favorite content of your piece. It seemed more straightforward and relative than the rest. Everything else seemed like some ass backward, overly artsy metaphor... and then this just kinda says, BLAM. I liked it. It had a better general tone and whatnot.

we could get back to that groove
where we all impress with our moves
and all eyes turn round the room
there's worthy brides for worthy grooms

girl you're looking rather fine
silver band and a glass of wine
if things were different you might be mine
and you've no idea
twisting round the room like a snake
what you give is what you take
there's skin to skin and tips tinglin'
lips to kiss we're loving this



Overall, not my favorite from you. Obviously, the rhyme was my biggest complaint. It made the piece feel a bit more juvenile than it should have. It just didn't give the tone I would have hoped for.

Thanks for the comment on mine.

-zC
#5
Firstly, I have to strongly disagree with the above crit because there's no way your rhyming structure ruined the song. I think it complimented the whole song, not ruined it. Not only did you conjure up powerful images and paint a vivid picture for us but you put it all to a great rhyme structure which increased it's intensity all the more. It may be fairly long but you can always alter that and also tbh it depends on what music you're going to put to it. There were a few bits that someone who was really nit picky might pull apart in there, but I am thorough not nit-picky and I think this is close to perfect just the way it is, the only matter of course being the length.

On an even higher note, this is actually one of my favorite pieces from you Jamie, I am extremely impressed and can't wait to read more of the same.

If you get the time I would be grateful if you could take a look at my new song- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=792087

Great job, Cheers,

Dan
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#6
Cheers all.

ZC, I fully get your points about the rhyming but heck, it was fun to write. Rhyming's fun, writing songs again is fun. Heck, it's all about the fun. Also, I don't think there was much of a big metaphor in the first bit at all. It really was what you see is what you get. Though the cycle of verses to bridge back to opening verse is pretty important to my meaning I was trying to get across. Oh, and overly artsy? Appreciate the time man

Redundancy - It was more talking about drink, and how it makes you feel. In fact, the line you pointed out actually removes any relevance to drug use in the scenario. Thanks for your time, you got anything I can take a look at?

DD - Appreciate the comments. I'll get to yours when I can.

Thanks you three.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Feb 20, 2008,
#7
You're a much better songwriter than that idiot from the arctic monkeys.
#9
I liked most of the ideas you've presented in this song (quite a long one, eh?) and thought that you had some nice rhymes, even if generic, that worked well for the piece.
I thought you had a bit of a clash in your language, moving sharply from thighs-eyes to devised-supervised. It just felt like you've suddenly changed the tone and narrative of the entire piece.
Some of the verses felt very "disco" to me, which is not something I appreciate usually, but seems to be a recurring trend with some genres these days. I would say you made it work for you though.

I think that putting this to music would do it more justice, but it was just ok for me this time around.

Carmel
This is not a pipe