#1
Hi all. Have been browsing ug for ages but this is my first post (the post that hurts the most...) Just finished a new song, thought I'd chuck it up here and see what you guys think.


Beneath Silver Moonlight

"I love you" sailed past her lips
On warm winds, barely breathing southward
But I am miles of irate ocean, scarred
With splintered masts and tattered sails

"I'm sorry"

A thousand ships shall remain stagnant
But your face, beneath silver moonlight
Is worth at least a thousand words, a painting
But I'm no artist, I'm no poet

But "I like you
And the way you dress like a boy
And definately dance like a white girl
And the extra tooth in your otherwise perfect smile
And all our little inside jokes
And when I get kicked out of the bar
And you leave your friends to come with me
And your mother, and your father
Well they can both get fucked"


Well that's it. Let me know what you think. Crit for crit of course.
Last edited by TheWoodenSlug at Feb 19, 2008,
#2
the best line : " and the extra tooth in your otherwise perfect smile"

I say this is the best because it conveys you love her in spite of her minor imperfections. No one is perfect in life and this line harkens back to that. That in mind you should try to develop more lines/ stanzas or what have you that build on that same idea. I don't know about this line though " and the way you dress like a boy" sounds like you like the way dudes dress- not that there's anything wrong with that. Maybe and the way you act so coy? but its your jam so do what you feel.
#3
cheers for the comment mate. yep thats exactly what i was getting at with that line. the one about dressing like a boy though isnt referring to cross dressing or any jazz like that, its just that the girl this is about doesnt dress all lady like - she preferres comfy shoes and hoodies and ****. whatever.

cheers again - i shall crit one of yours tomorrow, bit late now.