#1
I think I may retire from life;
not in the literal sense, but
one more poetic and meaningful.
To slowly let the cobwebs
build to an invigorating climax
of grasshoppers, flies, ants, and spiders
all couped up in one dusty corner.
I may join them and play poker.
I could let mice make nests in my muffler
then watch a city grow in the
pistons, gears, camshafts, and oil plugs.
Waiting for a civil war riot
while the tires grow flat.
I glance outside and see a spider
weaving a familiar pattern of
up's and down's, trying to make it work.
I remained seated, staring,
deciding to let him have a turn.
Last edited by TrigFunction at Feb 20, 2008,
#3
mice make nests in my muffler oof, top-notch,

only didn't like "stared", it sounded off, wrong and well, can't you say staring? The out-of-tenseness of it put me off it.

Maybe a semi colon on the end of the first line? I think that it's grammatically incorrect atm.

Overall, totally you. Totally cool.
#6
the title made me hate this... until i read it. and now i really like it.

the "pistons, gears, blah, blah" line was my least favorite. its too mechanical (no pun intended...) feeling, too analytical. especially when compared to the rest of the piece.

and i swear i've heard the first two lines before. just sayin'...
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#8
well good, i liked this one so i was hoping it would turn out good. btw hope i didn't steal those two lines, so i dont know where you may have heard them but no there not plagiarized. Also dylan thats a big stretch you really think its my best?
#9
oh, i wasn't trying to imply plagiarism. sorry, it totally sounded like thats what i meant. i was just saying they were incredibly familiar to me. maybe not the actual lines as much as the idea behind them.

sorry again, friend. that was really bitchy of me.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#12
This was a really great piece, ruined by 2 lines. The second and third lines just made this whole beautiful read crumble.

You tell us something, and then you take it back, you apologise, explain. As if you owe us an explanation. It irked me.

Allow me to impose and suggest, though I doubt you'd accept:

I think I may retire from life
to slowly let the cobwebs

build to an invigorating climax
of grasshoppers, flies, ants, and spiders
all couped up in one dusty corner.
I may join them and play poker.
I could let mice make nests in my muffler
then watch a city grow in the
pistons, gears, camshafts, and oil plugs.
Waiting for a civil war riot
while the tires grow flat.
I glance outside and see a spider
weaving a familiar pattern of
up's and down's and trying to make it work.
I remained seated, staring,
deciding to let him have a turn.

I think I may retire from life;
not in the literal sense, but
one more poetic and meaningful.


If I would have read that, I would have posted only that I loved it all. Don't apologise for what you have to say, and never take it back. Not in a finalised piece, and if you must, then do it as the punch line. Otherwise it makes me sad.

I liked everything else.
This is not a pipe
#13
Quote by carmel_l
This was a really great piece, ruined by 2 lines. The second and third lines just made this whole beautiful read crumble.

You tell us something, and then you take it back, you apologise, explain. As if you owe us an explanation. It irked me.

Allow me to impose and suggest, though I doubt you'd accept:

I think I may retire from life
to slowly let the cobwebs

build to an invigorating climax
of grasshoppers, flies, ants, and spiders
all couped up in one dusty corner.
I may join them and play poker.
I could let mice make nests in my muffler
then watch a city grow in the
pistons, gears, camshafts, and oil plugs.
Waiting for a civil war riot
while the tires grow flat.
I glance outside and see a spider
weaving a familiar pattern of
up's and down's and trying to make it work.
I remained seated, staring,
deciding to let him have a turn.

I think I may retire from life;
not in the literal sense, but
one more poetic and meaningful.


If I would have read that, I would have posted only that I loved it all. Don't apologise for what you have to say, and never take it back. Not in a finalised piece, and if you must, then do it as the punch line. Otherwise it makes me sad.

I liked everything else.


I guess i dont really see what you mean. I never apologized for anything, i just clarified what i meant.
#14
Quote by TrigFunction
I think I may retire from life;
not in the literal sense, but
one more poetic and meaningful.
To slowly let the cobwebs
build to an invigorating climax
of grasshoppers, flies, ants, and spiders
all couped up in one dusty corner.
I may join them and play poker.
I could let mice make nests in my muffler
then watch a city grow in the
pistons, gears, camshafts, and oil plugs.
Waiting for a civil war riot
while the tires grow flat.
I glance outside and see a spider
weaving a familiar pattern of
up's and down's, trying to make it work.
I remained seated, staring,

This is my only complaint about this piece. You change tense here, which doesn't quite work for me. If you would have wanted to do that, you should have done it in the "I glance.." line, which kind of is the "turning point" of the poem, the way I see it. To be honest, I think you should have just put "I remain seated".
deciding to let him have a turn.

This is a great piece and to be honest, that's the only wrong thing I could have pointed out here. Other than that it is really great. Wonderful.