#1
You've never worn those leather clothes
that i'd made for you.
Till this day it's been referred to as "calumniated" and "clareted";
you dare call me putrescible.
Now you look away
now that you know that I'm neither a Negro nor
a white man.

Tannery flesh laced to your boots and bags;
scoured from my soul.
Remove that tattoo of Hendrix in a suede shoe
and preserve it in lye and cerebral tears.
Cover yourself well,
my dear;
from that secret place that no one dares to go.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 19, 2008,
#3
I really do not know what to say.
This is truely great.
It is so mysterious; and your vocabulary is advanced
(I'm about to get my degree in literature and I was straining through a dictionary)
I'll try and offer some interperatation to it soon.
I need to think about it,
There is something great in there I am sure of it.
-
Untill then I write on your structure and style.
The lines flow very nicely, it seems a stream-of-consciousness poem,
or at least, is meant to sound like one (accidently or not :P)
Blank verse, but executed well.
The rhyme of "tattoo" and "[blue suede] shoe"
seems immensley important as it really structures the work and adds that slippery feminine rhyme.
who are you inspired by...
surely you must read someone...
Whitman, Buckowski, T.S Eliot or Ginsberg are where my money is placed on.
Really, really, really excellent sir.
#4
Lol thanks man i'm glad you liked it. I enjoy T.S Eliot, due to Dr Octopus refering him as "More complicated than advance science"
#5
haha Doctor Octopus; Literary critic.
Has somewhat of a ring to it, no?
I would agree with the tentatical-led man.
The love story of J.Alfred Prufcock
Or Waste Land
Are as baffling as they are breathtaking
#6
I really like this. The individual words are very specific and vivid (putrescible, calumniated, etc.) but the poem itself has a really mysterious vibe. I like the way it flows, too. A lot of the time, poems without a fixed meter that I see on here seem jittery and thrown-together but this read like one continuous idea.

No negative comments here
#7
I think this is a really good piece. It's great to see a change of style as well and the fact it doesn't have a rhyming scheme makes it better and mean more. You conveyed the images and the scene you were creating very well and with as hidden said, 'a wide vocabulary'.

My favorite line of the piece is - "Remove that tattoo of Hendrix in a suede shoe
and preserve it in lye and cerebral tears"

Some great imagery right there, nice work.

Would be grateful if you would take a peek at my latest- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=792087


Cheers,

Dan
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#8
I like this piece alot man, very vivid and such an image appeared in my head when I read it. Sounds almost like someone who is standing up to someone after taking their criticism/abuse for so long.

5/5 great job!

Return the crit on my newest piece? Link is in my sig, cheers!
#9
I didn't care much for the many full stops in such a short piece. It hindered the flow a little in my opinion.

I thought that the first stanza was stuttered in a way it failed to convey the full emotion I thought it should have, especially when you executed it so well in the second stanza. It was well put and every sentence made the right stroke.

The feelings behind the words were the same old feeling almost any writer ventures on describing, but I still find your lines original and refreshing. I took something good from this.

I'll be happy to read more of your pieces in the future.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#11
Well, for me it was disappointment of things being as they are and not different, better. And I found that tone and emotion throughout the piece.
This is not a pipe
#12
Good piece...one of those I like to look at and leave open for interpretation. Definitely got some "name-brand" wording going on, as opposed to the generic majority out there.