#1
I wrote this on tour in the summer.
-
I held hands with an artist
And kissed her fingers individually
As she painted blue-streaks on grey skies;
There is beauty in her method, you see.
The brush, it strokes.
The canvas croaks.
An innocence formed, now evokes.
So if clouds seem too dark, or the future too stark
She says:
"Just paint a sun".

Because concrete cracks,
And cliffs erode,
Seatbelted kings on colourless thrones
Play musical chairs, but admit they're not dancers.
So the clock spins around,
The moon goes down.
The calender's face, just creases and frowns
And wonders if there is any permanence,
Other than impermanence.

So I filled a glass full of indecency
It led to muffled screams of ecstacy
Her lamp shined out
Vines and leaves
Tearing Night's dress
At it's seams.
Sweat was wine,
Heartbeats. 6/8 time.
Let her fall asleep
And then scribble your lines.
Oh, the clarity of a poisoned mind.

Because in a speeding car, with your eyes closed tight
You can never forget the star's shining sleight of hand;
They are all alone in their dimming dimensions.
There were glass pillows, and blankets of arms
Are tongues got tired, mouths swallowed the miles.
I-spy a distinct lack of colour, and not enough artists.

----
Last edited by hiddeninromance at Feb 20, 2008,
#2
I held hands with an artist
And kissed her fingers individually.
As she painted blue-streaks on grey skies;
There is beauty in her method, you see.
The brush, it strokes.
The canvas croaks.
An innocence formed, now evokes.
So if clouds seem too dark, or the future too stark
She says:
"Just paint a sun".

This is wonderful my friend. i love the alliteration in 'Canvas Croaks'. This flowed really well, nice opening.

Because concrete cracks,
And cliffs erode,
Seatbelted kings on colourless thrones
Play musical chairs, but admit they're not dancers.
So the clock spins around,
The moon goes down.
The calender's face, just creases and frowns
And wonders if there is any permanence,
Other than impermanence.

i didn't quite get the last line even with the grammatical correction, highlighted in orange, but apart from that this piece was evocating to say the least. Brillient. I espicially loved the lines " Seatbelted kings on colourless thrones play musical chairs but admit they're not dancers."

So I filled a glass full of indecency
It led to muffled screams of ecstacy.
Her lamp shined out
Vines and leaves
Tearing Night's dress
At it's seams.
Sweat was wine,
Heartbeats. 6/8 time.
Let her fall asleep
And then scribble your lines.
Oh, the clarity of a poisoned mind.

Brillient.

Because in a speeding car, with your eyes closed tight
You can never forget the stars shining sleight of hand;
They are all alone in their dimming dimensions.
There were glass pillows, and blankets of arms
Are tongues got tired, mouths swallowed the miles.
I-spy a distinct lack of colour, and not enough artists.

This is one of the most convincing pieces i've ever read here, my friend. This last stanza was great and it had impact. Please post here more often.

Fred Temple.

PS: Sorry about earlier, please forgive me as a brother.


Also can you check out my 'Animal' piece, it's on the first page, you might like it.
#3
thank you so much.
that line you do not get is the agnostic in me.
sometimes nothing seems permanent;
paradocicallys the only permanent thing is this permanent impermanence.
It was more petty word play than anything too profound.
I'll have a read of animal
and post more soon.
I've got some better ones coming.
#4
Quote by hiddeninromance
I wrote this on tour in the summer.
-
I held hands with an artist
And kissed her fingers individually
As she painted blue-streaks on grey skies;
There is beauty in her method, you see.
The brush, it strokes.
The canvas croaks. Can I suggest adding an "As" to the start of this line and making the fullstop at the end of the previous line a comma? Or do you mean "The canvas croaks an innocence..." If you mean that you need to change the punctuation
An innocence formed, now evokes.
So if clouds seem too dark, or the future too stark
She says:
"Just paint a sun".

This is a really strong opening, painting (if I can use that word) some very nice images and a wonderfully offset last line. Nothing major in those middle 3 lines, just an observation

Because concrete cracks,
And cliffs erode,
Seatbelted kings on colourless thrones
Play musical chairs, but admit they're not dancers. I'd echo the previous comments about this being a nice couple of lines.
So the clock spins around,
The moon goes down. Again, I'd suggest an "As" at the start of the line, but that's just my personal preference
The calenders face, just creases and frowns Not sure I understand the use of "face" here.
And wonders if there is any permanence,
Other than impermanence.

From your follow-up comment I guess you mean "the only certain thing is that nothing is certain"

So I filled a glass full of indecency
It led to muffled screams of ecstacy This line/rhyme seems a little forced (forced is too strong a word). It just doesn't flow as smoothly like other lines - sorry
Her lamp shined out
Vines and leaves
Tearing Night's dress
At it's seams.
Sweat was wine,
Heartbeats. 6/8 time.
Let her fall asleep
And then scribble your lines.
Oh, the clarity of a poisoned mind.

The last line is particularly striking, and something I can relate to - very nicely captured

Because in a speeding car, with your eyes closed tight
You can never forget the stars shining sleight of hand; It's probably just the way I'd read it, but "sleight of hand" needs linking to the first part of the line, i.e. the line doesn't quite make sense to me.
They are all alone in their dimming dimensions.
There were glass pillows, and blankets of arms
AreOur (?) tongues got tired, mouths swallowed the miles.
I-spy a distinct lack of colour, and not enough artists.

The last line ties it all together nicely
----



Like my "Unspoken Tides" your clever use of vocabularly and metaphors has muddied your message a bit. It's a very strong piece that calls out to be read 2 or 3 times to understand what you're trying to convey, but rereading it is not a chore

If you've got some better stuff on the way then I'd certainly like to have a read
#6
it rhymes a lot?
and that is a negative?
I, sir, think you are an ass.
-
OKay, I will adress some queries.

This thing about the calendars face; i really do not see the difficulty in it.
It is pretty basic personification, turning a basic Calendar into a character.
he is frowning as he is the govenor of change, and all he wants is something permanent, and he has realised the only permanent thing about our existence is its impermanent nature on everything (concrete cracks/cliffs errode).
In a similar nature the Star's Sleight of Hand is quite simply a reference to when we look at a star, we see it shine. In reality that star probably died millions of years ago (science 101 :P), ergo the Star is like a magician with a sleight of hand making us thing its around for a lot longer than it actually is.
i hope that cleared things up.
#7
Quote by hiddeninromance
it rhymes a lot?
and that is a negative?
I, sir, think you are an ass.
-
OKay, I will adress some queries.

This thing about the calendars face; i really do not see the difficulty in it.
It is pretty basic personification, turning a basic Calendar into a character.
he is frowning as he is the govenor of change, and all he wants is something permanent, and he has realised the only permanent thing about our existence is its impermanent nature on everything (concrete cracks/cliffs errode).
In a similar nature the Star's Sleight of Hand is quite simply a reference to when we look at a star, we see it shine. In reality that star probably died millions of years ago (science 101 :P), ergo the Star is like a magician with a sleight of hand making us thing its around for a lot longer than it actually is.
i hope that cleared things up.


I see... There's nothing in the lyrics to suggest possesion by the star or the calendar though, i.e. apostrophes (grammar 101 ). Also "shining" then describes the "sleight of hand" and not the star. But these are minor issues.....
#8
haha i know i did miss those apostrophes would you believe im a third way through my english and american literature degree; with the highest grade :|
still i'm sure you could have read in between the lines :P
x