#1
the one for me
i need to be with you
living for all thats
good and true

your everything
the only one i want
your everything
theres nothing i wont love

now im in too deep
you take control of me
blows my mind
i must have been so blind
try to make your day
now im going out of my way

playing on my mind
a game i cant win
no rules are written
but i will not give in

your everything
but i cant do enough
your everything
you dont even want my love

now im in too deep
you take control of me
blows my mind
i must have been so blind
try to make your day
now im going out of my way



Feedback please
Light touch my hand, in a dream of Golden Skans, from now on.
You can forget our future plans.
#2
I'm guessing this is for a song. But as a lyric i think you need to punctuate and add in caps. The theme is quite cliche and reminds me of a lot of boy band stuff, i'm sorry to say. I think that maybe you should write about a different theme.

I'm sorry for the harsh crit but that's what i thought of it.

Fred.

PS: can you take a look at my 'Animal' piece in my sig please, a short comment will suffice :P
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 19, 2008,
#3
Quote by Bleed Away
I'm guessing this is for a song. But as a lyric i think you need to punctuate and add in caps. The theme is quite cliche and reminds me of a lot of boy band stuff, i'm sorry to say. I think the maybe you should write about a different theme.

I'm sorry for the harsh crit but that's what i thought of it.

Fred.

PS: can you take a look at my 'Animal' piece in my sig please, a short comment will suffice :P

sure.. ahh **** i hate pop music...lol
Light touch my hand, in a dream of Golden Skans, from now on.
You can forget our future plans.
#4
Love songs are cliche. You should never write a love song. You should write about more profound stuff like breakfast and Hawaiian shirts. /sarcasm


I think it could be good as a lyric depending on the musical aspect of the song. There's a fine line between cheesy and catchy.
"If faith is the answer we've already reached it
and if spirits a sign, then it's only a matter of time"
#5
Not meaning to offend, but a lot of it sounds so cliche. Just try to add a dash of personality to the song, that'll make it better.
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