#1
I step through the classroom that seems so much smaller,
And realize that those were the days.
When freshly cut grass stained the knees of the masses,
And pockets were stuffed with some dumb cardboard phase.

How those kickball battle-scars, purple-heart honors
Eclipsed our shortcomings and flaws
For God was in recess, a blacktop cathedral,
Contented and raising a round of applause.
Last edited by flame843 at Feb 19, 2008,
#2
I just like to say that i enjoyed this very much, it's so true but mystique. Men, i've nothing to offer as for improvements except i didn't get the line "on blacktop cathedrals" shouldn't it be "A blacktop cathdral" or "Like a cathedral wearing a blacktop".

Apart from that i really enjoyed this.

Can you please crit mine, it's called 'Animals' it's on my sig.

Thank you.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 19, 2008,
#4
Thematically it's nothing special (it's the second poem on the same subject I've written about here in like 2 hours) but I really admire your adherence to poetic meter and think it does the poem a real service.

"Kickball battle-scars" is pretty overblown, in my opinion. The last two lines of the piece were snappy and excellent. "And realize that those were the days" is kind of inert, but the ending couplet of the first stanza is also good.
#5
I like it very much. You managed to take a somewhat overused topic and make it very original. I have no negative comments about this piece.
#6
i want this as a full song please!

write more!
Yamaha ERG 121
Yamaha F370TBS
Yamaha GA-10

NOOB KIT FTW

-------------------------

Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows
#7
Very nice concept. In my opinion, it's almost too easy to write about a negative matter, or subject. Whether it's text book perfect or not, the poem comes across in a very subtle and pleasant way.