#1
hey, hope everyone's doing good.
this is pretty short, so i might add to it later.
anyway, tell me what you think and i'll tell you what i think.

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amy whispers atomic secrets to the back of my ear and
i would kill someone for a menthol right now.
"right now," amy says,
"right now she's got 6 drinks and a dick in her."
something erupts from my chest like red ants,
pissed off and head on a swivel for the motherfucker who
took a bad stride.

love is a beach, shark-infested and oceanless;
love is a goddamn desert.

amy takes a long drag of a camel 9.
"can i get a hit of that?"
the turkish-blend, amber lit fuse comes at me quick,
and i'm detonated.
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Feb 20, 2008,
#4
Quote by deathpidgeon
An all-time low for song writing, but that's what makes it so great. Kickassness.

i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say it's probably not a song...

anywhoooo,

i really like this. love the last two lines.

if you want, i can full crit this, but i don't think i have enough to say about it.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#5
i've been reading your pieces for a while now; it seems like you've got your stlye down. very accomplished writing. enjoyable content. i enjoy how it's written in the present tense, this makes me appreciate the second stanza more. i enjoy the 'is's. i know, i suck at explaining myself.

this wasn't much use. just felt like letting you know i liked it. the story telling was great. if you feel like a read, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=789731
#6
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
way more teenage than your usual stuff. or maybe just not as well-hidden.


well i am seventeen.
#7
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
way more teenage than your usual stuff. or maybe just not as well-hidden.

the teenageness worked well i thought. it feels like he might've experienced the situation himself. feels like an honest voice.
#9
love your writing, but the size of that text irritates me something rotten.
#10
Oh, I'll definitely echo the above comment from Alex.

This was cool because of it's rawness, it's cockyness and it's general tone.

All the stuff I dig. Although I think the ending was a little lackluster, tbh.
#11
i'm sorry about the size. i've got a mac and fonts always appear bigger than they do on PCs. i'll make it bigger now.
#12
I agree that this is a bit juvenile compared to most of your work, but that doesn't make it any less good.

"Right now she's got 6 drinks and a dick in her."

Loved that. I llike how you know your cigarettes, too

I don't have much to say. The last stanza was a tad weak in imagery and an overall feel to the piece, but the good outways the bad, or as I call it, minor annoyances.
Poor advice.
#13
Quote by Arthur Curry
hey, hope everyone's doing good.
this is pretty short, so i might add to it later.
anyway, tell me what you think and i'll tell you what i think.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

amy whispers atomic secrets to the back of my ear and
i would kill someone for a menthol right now.

I'm not sure if this was intentional but i liked the play of words in 'Atomic secrets' and the reinforment of 'i would kill...'

"right now", amy says,
"right now she's got 6 drinks and a dick in her."
something erupts from my chest like red ants,
pissed off and head on a swivel for the motherfucker who
took a bad stride.

All though this has been said to being juvenile i thought this last two lines worked rather well but the curse was unnecessery.

love is a beach, shark-infested and oceanless;
love is a goddamn desert.

I didn't like this stanza, not because of the blaspheme, because it wasn't that convincing of a two line stanza.

amy takes a long drag of a camel 9.
"can i get a hit of that?"
the turkish-blend, amber lit fuse comes at me quick,
and i'm detonated.

Depending on the meaning i thought this was exellently done, i'll like to hear about what this is about.


Overall i though this was good and i enjoyed it.

if you've time post a quick comment on 'Animal' for me, please.