#1
so me and my friend (i mostly i wrote, she was basically there to bounce ideas off of) were writeing a song based off of lord of the flies tell me what you think of it so far.

oh and it think i wrote it with more of a syllable(sp?) pattern instead of a word rhymeing pattern.


The sand and broken glass,
falls to the ground. As we
lay staring at the crash that left us here.
The water breaks
and fills a million little faults,
with hopes and fears the start to turn us one by one.
With this unfortunate event,
the lives of every one we know,
are changed forever with this tale of savagery.


Chorus:
A deadly mix of toxic paint,
covering our souls and fates.
a brand new way to see ourselves.
With vacant eyes we see the change,
envelop every thing we hold as true,
and rhetoric will soon not be enough,
to mask our world warn primal minds.


UPDATE
i just wrote a new verse for it.

This viscous fluid drips,
into the empty blue, as we
look at what we've done to our own kind.
The rocks that fall
they tumble to and from the sea,
and make a million waves that form and break,
just like the childish deals we make
the lives of every one left here,
is changed by the horrors that we've seldom faced.

UPDATE 2
third verse

an embodiment of buzzing flies
swirls around the empty shell, as we
look on with disgust at what we soon will be.
The flame of life
smothered by the hands of former friends,
while still others look on with stone struck eyes.
The unholy details we've covered up,
by the lies we told, we seem unphased,
but thoughts of life remain within our fragile minds.
Last edited by aaron6890 at Feb 20, 2008,
#3
Is it supposed to rhyme...at all?
On a more serious note, the book was very much dependent on lush imagery, and a crapload of symbolism. You've got lots of imagery, but it's just too much imagery, you can't really take in any one piece of it because something else is already happening. At least that's what I got out of it. Of course when it's set to a rhythm and whatever that will probably resolve itself.

Which way I fly is Hell; myself am Hell;
And, in the lowest deep, a lower deep
Still threatening to devour me opens wide,
To which the Hell I suffer seems a Heaven.



Bored? read these, or this
#6
the line about toxic paint is good.
I take it is refference to the tribal paint they would put on.
it's a really good book.
#7
The rhyming pattern isn't there, but I'm sure it's just for effect. It's a very strong piece, and you can tell it's definitely about the Lord of the Flies. But like mesopatamius said, there's too much imagery. Maybe try finding the strongest pieces of imagery and keep them and cut off the ones that are more redundant.
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#8
Quote by aaron6890
ok i finnished it heres the last verse (it also serves as a bump, SHHHHH! but dont tell the mods!)


BOO!
This is not a pipe