#1
This is the first song that I've written for a band and the first song I've written that's actually going to be set to music, so I wanna make sure I'm going in the right direction.

Also, I'm not TOO clear on the rules in this sub-forum so if it needs to be moved, I apologize.

Now, on to the song.


EDIT


After putting in some more time into the song, I decided to revamp the structure a bit, so if you guys don't mind, here's the second version.

Verse 1:
As I write these words
I can hardly breathe
Let my fingers talk
Let my pen's ink bleed.

Something like a bullet
were your lips that day
Didn't hear a bang
I still died anyway.

Bridge:
The words I wrote
The ones you said
The thoughts I had
swamped my head

Your smile was the
greatest hook
and you caught me
and you caught me


Chorus:
Fiore, you were just a
pretty mistake, one I won't make twice.
Fiore, you're time well wasted

Verse 2:
As I speak these words
these daggers cut my throat
Saying every word
that I should have spoke

Now it hurts to think
of how things could have been
But this is just your game
You know I'd never win.

Bridge 2:
Didn't let me think
couldn't let me breathe
Never let me rest
Didn't let me sleep

Your smile was the
greatest hook
and you caught me
and you caught me


(repeat chorus)

So basically, that's where I am. Please tell me which version is better and critique on anything you wish to critique.

C4C! Thanks!
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Last edited by Aeroblast at Feb 21, 2008,
#2
For a love song, I'm surprised to say it was really good. I love the little plays on words in the first and second verse.

Perhaps a chorus and then you'd have a full song? Good stuff.
#3
Like the poster above me said, its better than you expect from a love song. You don't fall into the cliches and metaphors that are often seen in love songs. Maybe add another verse and you'll be sorted pal!
#4
Thanks for your helpful comments! I'm glad I'm heading in the right direction.

I did a little thinking and revamped the structure a little bit, so if you can critique, that would be great.!
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#6
Quote by TobyFellrunners
I like the second version better, seems to flow a little easier, no forced rhymes in there that I can tell of. Well done, had a chance to look over my song yet?


Just did.
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#7
I like the second version a lot. Like the above posters said, it's not the crap you usually find in a love song these days(or any days for that matter.) But yea, add another verse and I think you've got a song. I'd be delighted to read and critique any other works you write. Keep it up.
#8
Thanks for all of your critique guys! I added a second verse and a second bridge. I'd really appreciate your thoughts on it.
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#9
The second verse and bridge are also quite good. They didn't seem forced like I expected, no offense. they definitely don't hurt the song, and they help it to be more complete and full.
#10
Just out of curiosity, what made you think it was going to seem forced?

In all honesty, I was afraid of that because of how people commented about the first verse. As soon as I finish writing the coda, the song'll be finished.
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#11
Very nice. It paints a wonderful picture, and to me, that's one of the most important things.

#1: Must have good, mood-inducing music.
#2: Must have lyrics that people can connect with.

You have the second, and you might have the first. I would have to hear the music. But, there is one thing I would like to point out:
In the first verse, you rhymed "day" with "day"
Something like a bullet
were your lips that day
Didn't hear a bang
I still died that day.

It makes it sound kinda... flat. I dunno. Maybe you could change the 4th line to something like.... "I still died the same way." or something like that. I just think rhyming the same words there takes away from an otherwise amazing song. Good luck dude, I hope the best for you on this deal ^^
#12
Wow, I did not catch that. Thanks for pointing it out.

As of now, I'm still trying to compose the song. I have a rhythm section down, but as soon as I get with my mates, I can finish the rest.
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#13
No problem man. You are going to have to put an MP3 up when this is finished. I can't wait to hear how it sounds. What sort of music is it going to be? What genre?
#14
Kinda like a mix of Anberlin/Taking Back Sunday, so maybe like an (I hate to say this) emo kind a sounding song.
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#15
It's actually a pretty good piece with the exception of this cliche stanza:
"Now it hurts to think
of how things could have been
But this is just your game
You know I'd never win."
Either change it, replace it, or if you really don't care, leave it. Otherwise this song seems ready to be recorded.

'tis life
#16
Nice,
i liked how it was a love song but it shows you are done and know you made a mistake

great job, the words you used to describe were simple but effective

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=815431
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