#1
Before you guys rant away about how bad this is, trust me, I know that it's not good. I'm pretty disappointed in myself for not being able to write better, and the prompt is so vague and stupid. It also doesn't help that I don't like making assumptions. I seriously cannot think of anything else to write, and any way to make this pile of junk any better. Doesn't help that the past few days I've been up all night monitoring my fish tanks temp since my heater broke, so I've been up for like 60 hours. So...Here it is. How can I make it better? I'm a high school Sophomore, btw.

Prompt (tailored to what I am writing about): Lord of the Flies: In a 4 paragraph essay, discuss how Ralph's character has been fully developed and defined in the concluding (10, 11, and 12) chapters of the novel. Provide evidence from these chapters to support your thesis.

Demarcate

[tab] In William Golding's, Lord of the Flies, Ralph is a child marooned on an island along with many other boys. Throughout Golding's novel, Ralph loses his innocence through his encounters with evil on the island, and as he does, his character develops from an unsullied child to a person who understands how pernicious man can be. Ralph's direct accounts with savagery define his character, and change him forever.
[tab]When Ralph hunts the boar he gets caught up in all the excitement and experiences savagery for the first time. He also participates in the aftermath of the hunt, and aids in the delirious dance that results in Simon's death. His involvement in the frenzy shows that even he, a good civil boy, has savagery lurking within his mind. He realizes this and his newfound intimacy with man's savagery plunges him into despondency. With this epiphany, he is defined as a person who also has cruelty in his heart, and although he still gravitates towards law and order, he's no longer oblivious to his primal instincts.
[tab] At the end of the novel, the tears that Ralph shed mark him as someone who has understood and rubbed lives with evil. Rescue should be a jovial moment, but Ralph looks back at what he's done, and cries. As he weeps, his swift metamorphosis from a guiltless British youth to a despaired survivor comes full circle. He cries because after learning about the wickedness of man, he knows that he will never be the same again. The end of the novel connects Ralph's desperation and the two themes of the story: “the end of innocence” and “the darkness of man’s heart“ ( ). With his tears, he acknowledges his sins and knows that he is also human, and that evil also lurks within him.
[tab] In the concluding chapters of the novel, Ralph's character becomes fully developed and defined. Although he will leave the island, he will never truly cast it away. The scar that his misadventure gave him will stay by his side forever, and he will always have to bear the burden of acknowledging man's evil.
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#2
Take your wall of text and shove it up your ass.
I <3 Drugs.

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That never even ever really ends in the end-
Infinity spirals out creation.


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#4
To be completely honest in its current state you'd get an A or maybe a B. Highschool isn't very demanding.
D:
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#5
use quotes from the story and embed those into your paragraphs. Maybe use a better thesis and conclusion though, as your conclusion basically restates the prompt and that won't get you too far. But then again, it depends on your teacher. My teacher grades pretty rigorously, yours might not.
#6
Quote by Atomic48
To be completely honest in its current state you'd get an A or maybe a B. Highschool isn't very demanding.

I really don't think so. My teacher doesn't like me very much, and likes catching every single one of my slip ups.

^^^I would if I could, but I never bothered buying the book (I know... I know...). I got that one quote I used from sparknotes. Note the lack of citation.

How do you think I should edit the thesis and conclusion?
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#7
Quote by abcdboy
I really don't think so. My teacher doesn't like me very much, and likes catching every single one of my slip ups.


Then just give him/her some sexual pleasures
problem solved
I <3 Drugs.

The universe works on a math equation-
That never even ever really ends in the end-
Infinity spirals out creation.


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#8
Quote by Ez0ph
Then just give him/her some sexual pleasures
problem solved

That's why she doesn't like me.
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#9
Quote by abcdboy
How do you think I should edit the thesis and conclusion?
because your thesis (and especially your conclusion) just restate the prompt, which wanted you to discuss HOW he changed. So maybe say something like "Ralph became fully developed and defined in the last few chapters by [insert reasons here]", and discuss those reasons within your paragraphs. That would be a little better than stating the obvious.
#10
Quote by JoshXXXXX
because your thesis (and especially your conclusion) just restate the prompt, which wanted you to discuss HOW he changed. So maybe say something like "Ralph became fully developed and defined in the last few chapters by [insert reasons here]", and discuss those reasons within your paragraphs. That would be a little better than stating the obvious.

So you think "Ralph's behavior during the hunt for the pig, his participation in Simon's death, and the tears he sheds during his encounter with the naval officer define his character, and change him forever. " instead of "Ralph's direct accounts with savagery define his character, and change him forever. " would be better?
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#11
Quote by abcdboy
So you think "Ralph's behavior during the hunt for the pig, his participation in Simon's death, and the tears he sheds during his encounter with the naval officer define his character, and change him forever. " instead of "Ralph's direct accounts with savagery define his character, and change him forever. " would be better?
I believe the first two happened before the last three chapters, which is what the prompt wanted you to base your evidence from. But you've got the general idea.

And hey, this is just how my teacher makes me write essays. Do you normally write essays like this and get decent grades?
#12
Hell no. This is the worst I've ever written. I'm just so off right now. I just dropped a flashlight into my fishtank on accident. Thanks for the help, guys.
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#13
first off that's kinda short for an essay.

"[tab]When Ralph hunts the boar he gets caught up in all the excitement and experiences savagery for the first time. He also participates in the aftermath of the hunt, and aids [...] blah blah blah"

^this paragraph is basically plot summary. provide examples, quote the text. you can't just make a statement that ralph has cruelty in his heart and gravitates towards law and order out of the blue. you have to provide context and evidence. then you have to perform at least a perfunctory analysis.

you can't expect to get away with not reading the book and just depending on spark notes to write your essay for you (not that i'm doing the exact same thing with a research paper on anna karenina........... that book is nothing if not focking boring.)

the thesis also seems kinda rough. make your introductory paragraph more interesting. Don't just start it off with "in Blah by Blah, Blah happens." That'll work to an extent for timed papers, but this isn't one. Try something more like,

"Some scientists claim that physics is at the root of everything. This can be true in the context of human psychology. Paraphrasing the principle of inertia, without a sufficient impetus, a person's character can remain stagnant. In the novel Lord of the Flies by William Golding, the protagonist Ralph begins his literary life as a weak-willed, "boy-scout" character who plays by the rules. However, he is tempered by his experiences with the primal savagery at the core of the human psyche at the hands of his fellow children and forced into the role of a strong leader that understands that rules cannot always be applied to life."

See what I did there? The thesis is still pretty crappy, but I made it very specific as to exactly WHAT ralph develops into, not just vague statement that ralph "changed." (shame on you if you copy this verbatim.)


edit: had a look at your concluding paragraph. it basically concludes jack all. "ralph developed." he's "defined." into what? make it clear! remember to continually refer to your thesis through each of your body paragraphs.

second edit: aaand i just read the prompt you have. be thankful for vague prompts because it means you can bull**** your way through the whole essay because of the vagueness. make something up about how ralph has become a strong leader. or take it in the other direction and say that in fact ralph has never developed at all and is just as weak as he was when the book started. hell, say that he's gonna be abducted by aliens and show how the severed pig's head foreshadows extraterrestrial kidnapping, just don't say nothing.
Last edited by rky at Feb 20, 2008,
#14
I've never been a big fan of hooks. They always seemed kinda cheap to me, to be honest, but I guess I can violate my code this once, on account of my damned fish. Those little swimming bastards better appreciate me for this.

Rky, just wondering. Did you read the book, or did you base your example paragraph off my essay?

What would you guys say Ralph becomes at the end of the story? I can't really think of anything. Thanks.
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#16
read the book in junior high for fun. i vaguely remember most of what happens but the sequence of events is pretty jumbled up. just try and follow the advice i had in the first post and flesh your essay out.

if you want me to be honest, i would completely agree with your teacher if he gave you a C or lower. you don't answer or address the prompt except in the vaguest manner.
#18
Quote by rky
read the book in junior high for fun. i vaguely remember most of what happens but the sequence of events is pretty jumbled up. just try and follow the advice i had in the first post and flesh your essay out.

if you want me to be honest, i would completely agree with your teacher if he gave you a C or lower. you don't answer or address the prompt except in the vaguest manner.

Heh. I would've been lucky with a C. It's more like a D.

But yeah, what does Ralph become at the end? I can't think of a word for "one who has rubbed shoulders with the evil of man".

Thanks.
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#19
you're taking it too literally. analyze what he's done, how he's changed. how would the "new ralph" react differently if put in the same situation as the "old ralph"?
#20
Quote by rky
you're taking it too literally. analyze what he's done, how he's changed. how would the "new ralph" react differently if put in the same situation as the "old ralph"?

I know what you mean, but I still can't think of a word to sum up what he's become. The structure becomes too choppy if I write out the whole thing.
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#21
write it out. you'll get more ideas that way. it's better than endlessly trying to search for a single word that encompasses all your ideas; i've tried that and it just wastes time.
#22
Ralph's behavior during the hunt for the pig, his participation in Simon's death, and the tears he sheds during his encounter with the naval officer define his character, and change him forever, and with these experiences, he is tempered into a hardened individual who knows of mans evil firsthand.

New thesis. I liked the word tempered, so I used it. Any better?

I'll base my conclusion on the thesis, I guess.

Thanks for the help. Appreciate it.
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#23
save the explicit statements of ralph's experiences for the topic sentences of each of your body paragraphs.
#24
You need to PEE all over it! get your Point, get your Evidence and Explain... something like that, my english teacher says it all the time.
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#25
Quote by abcdboy
I really don't think so. My teacher doesn't like me very much, and likes catching every single one of my slip ups.

^^^I would if I could, but I never bothered buying the book (I know... I know...). I got that one quote I used from sparknotes. Note the lack of citation.

How do you think I should edit the thesis and conclusion?

Dude you dont have to get the book!!! they made it into a movie too!!
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