#1
A medium tempo acoustic song, but did seem to work with an electric as well. It was written shortly after me and my ex girlfriend broke up, and was about our relationship.

Crit for crit as per usual, hope you like it

I’m running from an enemy I can’t even see, the fear, pain and anger still reside within the walls of me. Asking over and over why I messed things up, giving in eventually with realization that our time was up. Now it’s over I sit and I stare, the walls have faded to gray, with the feelings we’ve had to share.

You and me, me and you, always stuck together, no matter what we'd do. The equal opposites with the same difference, never giving the opponents side a listen. One was wrong and one was right, arguments that went on all through the night.

You wrote a song and I called it a story, but you still sang it aloud and told the tale of how we came to be. I called it something beautiful, exactly what we had, something all couples dream of but most never have. We decided to see how far we would get and how far we could go, but it's not my fault we've nothing now, as it takes two to tango.

There was a time all you had to do was smile, and forget the inch I’d have been running the extra mile. It was the best day of my life when I first saw your face, how can such wonders turn into such disgrace. You had the looks, the style and the personality but also a distorted and twisted sense on what was fake and the reality.

My phone rang the other day and I thought it was you, I left it on the hook and didn’t really know what to do. I want you back in my arms again so bad, but how can I just ignore you stamping over everything we ever had. Maybe someday things will change and it will all be perfect again, but me and you will be a world apart like always until that day, until the bitter end.

You wrote a song and I called it a story, but you still sang it aloud and told the tale of how we came to be. I called it something beautiful, exactly what we had, something all couples dream of but most never have. We decided to see how far we would get and how far we could go, but it's not my fault we've nothing now, as it takes two to tango.

You can’t take it back
You’re way too late
You said it's over
It was your final mistake

You wrote a song and I called it a story, but you still sang it aloud and told the tale of how we came to be. I called it something beautiful, exactly what we had, something all couples dream of but most never have. We decided to see how far we would get and how far we could go, but it's not my fault we've nothing now, as it takes two to tango.
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DISCO IS DEAD!

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Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
Last edited by Driveshaft Dan at Feb 20, 2008,
#2
This was enjoyable my friend. The context really had a Bright Eyes style to it. I think the context will suit your acoustic style well. The best thing about the song is that it felt like a speech so it sort of rolled out of the tongue while reading, great job.

I don't have much to say as for improvements except maybe you can come up with a better simili than "they said we stuck together like we were made out of super glue." That didn't really do much impact in the image you were trying to create. I also didn't liek the line "You gave me the sack"

But apart from that i think this will make an excellent acoustic song with the right music, just take your time and everything will be well.

Fred.

PS: Thank you for looking at some of mine
#3
Thanks for your kind words Bleed, It's funny actually I was just re-reading it and thinking that very thought "you gave me the sack" sounds a bit too cheesy, like I'm being fired from my relationship or something, I shall review this tonight again and think of a better replacement for that bridge, and as for the superglue line I was thinking along the lines of maybe - "You and me, me and you, always stuck together, no matter what we do"? It's just a thought though, I'l have some serious think-age tonight :P...and no problem .

Cheers for the help,

Dan
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#4
Dan,

You've got some good ideas and some good lines (you know what they are) and you've got some lesser lines and some muddy thoughts too (if you don't know what they are, put this away for a while and look again, you'll see). What I would suggest is tightening it and clarifying ideas.

Some things here need to be added to because, well, they're stale- two to tango in particular since you're using it as the title and part of the chorus. It's dry, it's used up. If you're gonna use it give it something new. two to tango and the stereo's dead, two to tango and
I don't know, something.

The bridge (I assume it's a bridge, that's what it looks like) is too simple. I'm guessing you wrote it after you wrote the music and needed words to fit the bridge. I suspect this because I've done it myself and seen what lyrics it brings forth. Fix that, maybe something about tangoing.

Keep dancing
Mike
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#5
I'd say that what this piece is a bit more spark, something extraordinary. In my opinion most of this was quite bog-standard ideas-wise, I've seen a lot of it before on these forums. As Mikey said above me, even the title line/sucker punch is quite a stale idea.

I'd say keep these, but soon you'll look back on them and realise how much better you have become.
#6
Quote by Jammydude44
I'd say that what this piece is a bit more spark, something extraordinary. In my opinion most of this was quite bog-standard ideas-wise, I've seen a lot of it before on these forums. As Mikey said above me, even the title line/sucker punch is quite a stale idea.

I'd say keep these, but soon you'll look back on them and realise how much better you have become.


Thanks for the crit Jamie and Mikey, I agree that some of the ideas I've used in here are fairly common, I guess I was just trying to write how I felt at the time, but I could have used some more powerful imagery. Thank you both though, I'l have another review of it and see where I can make adjustments and I hope your right about the future Jamie

Cheers,

Dan
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#7
Quote by Driveshaft Dan
I agree that some of the ideas I've used in here are fairly common, I guess I was just trying to write how I felt at the time, but I could have used some more powerful imagery.

That sounds like a plan. Often when one writes a piece, it's raw and honest, and that can work sometimes; sometimes it's better to go back to the lyrics and add ideas and improvements.

I don't have much to say about this really. My concentration sucks so I might come back tomorrow.

I'll look out for your stuff from now on, and thanks for the comments on mine.
#8
Thanks for the advice mate, I'l also keep an eye out for more of yours

Cheers,

Dan
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#9
Two to Tango was the name of a magazine I produced when I was in high school. Lol. As an overall, your ideas are muddied and it either lacks a spark or the spark was lost in between the lines.

Either way, learn to cut the excess words. Marshall your thoughts and map them out coherently. Your pieces will benefit greatly from doing so. Keep it going.