#1
There is a very far off star
and I cannot see it any longer
It has recently left my window
No longer weaving my dreams at night
No writing off excuses for the drawers of days left open
No more timepieces accounted for in the absence of scratching wrists scabbing so direly,
choking on the words "homeostasis" and trying to just get through the night

Yet I am not sad
It was probably dead one million years ago


Crit4Crit
Pls&Thx
#2
I don't really understand where you're coming from in this piece. It had some images that line-by-line didn't correspond each other there for making it feel random, at least it felt random when i read it.

I sort of understand what you're trying to say when you included the word homeostasis but it's so vaguely done that this seemed irrelevent. This piece wasn't detailed enough for many people understanding where you're coming from, but i'm sure you have your own reasons.

Can you crit 'Animal' for me, it's on my sig
#3
It was a great read, but after the fourth line, I became confused. I'm not really understanding it after that. The last two lines are a great closer though.
Signature
#4
I like the ideas that you are presenting here, but like said before, they get a little mangled towards the end, so a little revision could be necessary, and this really could be a striking piece.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=788355
#5
I greatly enjoyed reading it. Well-written, though a little rewording wouldn't hurt. I do think I understand where you're coming from here. Very touching piece. With a little work, it could be even better.