#1
Heres lik my first serious song. Tell me what you think.

Paper Thin Skin
Why is life so damn shallow
So insignificant
So hollow
Why are we running
To nothing
Aren't we missing something

(Chorus)
All the pain
all the anger
cheap laughter
our lives in danger
All the hate
all the sorrow
hiding faces
fearing tomorrow
Stop the trembling
This paper thin skin wont let you hide

Why is life so damn empty
So dark
We cant see
Why are we choking,
Drowning
In blood that sets us free
We've thrown our lives away
So that we dont have to see
Last edited by XrossRock at Feb 20, 2008,
#2
I like it.

The piece conveys a message of someone struggling to get something out, letting it build up and eventually leads them to act in a way they perhaps hadn't wanted too. The imagery, albeit overused in many songs, is strong and the lines themselves are not too drawn out, and you do not struggle to make weak rhymes, just having words that sound similar rather than a complete rhymes is often a good idea.

Only thing that I say could improve it would be to have a few more verses perhaps, seems a little short at the moment.

3 out of 5 man, nice job! Return the crit on my song? links in my sig!
#3
i wrote it about 4 years i spent in a verry strict religion. hence choking on "the blood that sets us free".
#4
this is one emo song...

but other than that, it really relates to the current generation of "false" youths, where your public face is just a mask, so if you really did write it 4 years ago, you sir are a prophet.

and i agree with toby, a little short.

What genre is this?
Yamaha ERG 121
Yamaha F370TBS
Yamaha GA-10

NOOB KIT FTW

-------------------------

Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows
#5
sorta like "post-grunge"/dark/slow metal (flyleaf-ish)... no, i didnt write it 4 years ago, i wrote it about the last 4 years of my life. i know its short, but i do it kinda slow and kinda mix up the chorus at the end. lik i go from "All the pain..." thru "fearing tomorrow...", repeat the chorus and do the last two lines lik 5 times. ill see if i can record it and put it on my profile.

peace