#1
I remember when i would
rise early with the sun,
hastily grab my mothers
buttered toast from the
plywood counter and run

out into the fresh hands
of those big boisterous
sunny summer mornings.
They greeted me like a
warm hearty grandparent.

The best a boy could ever
wish to have. I remember
running towards my park,
each stride imperfect
causing my feet to drag,

but only a little, the
soles of every pair of
shoes i owned that summer
bore the scars of that
technique, my character.

I didn't mind at all,
but my mother did, she
could ill afford hefty
bills for her sons and
daughters shoe collection.

I remember when it was
naughty to break a small
branch from the tree in
my park, but i did it
anyway, to fortify my den.

I'd build the best den,
the best den i could
ever imagine at such a
tender age. Twigs and
leaves and mud were my

primary tools in order
to achieve suitable
construction, occasionally
we'd chance upon what must
have seemed at the time

a magical item, looking
back it was merely bric-
a-brac, or plain rubbish,
the type you find, despised,
in endless landfill sites.

But to us it was golden,
to us, to me, it was magic.
I long for the day when
anything can bring me that
magic back, i want it back.



20/02/08

m + w.
#2
Hey I liked this. It's an idea that's sort of overused but there were flashes of real intelligence in your writing that appealed to me. Mainly just in your phrasing. "warm hearty grandparent" and "could ill afford hefty prices for her son's and daughter's shoe collection" were two of these. At first I didn't like "causing my feet to drag" but I came to realize that that line causes the stanza to drag, which can be cool I suppose, I still don't love it but whatever just wanted to point that out. The last three lines were kind of just like "aww, was that really necessary?" but I mean maybe I'm just in a mood right now where I don't really feel like making any definitive statements about anything so summing up your purpose in writing at the end just didn't sit well with me. I dunno. I guess it's probably my problem, but I don't think you need to spell it out so clearly. It's kind of obvious I mean who would look back on halcyon days and say "that sh•t f•cking sucked!" you know. It's pretty much already understood. Anyway I don't regret that I read this so yeah nice job.
#3
I really like how this song calls back childhood and how innocent it can seem in retrospect. It's a great piece. Is this meant to be put to music?
Signature
#5
Stanza 5 I thought was a little out of place within the flow of the piece. The feeling throughout was how happy you were back then, careless and worry-free, not about how poor your family was, cause a lot of times kids rarely don't realize such things until a much older age, cause that is all they are acustom to. Other than that, I thought this had a really nice, refreshing feel to it, and had the word 'magic' in the last stanza which i though was pretty cool cause that's kind of a symbol for our obliviousness at those ages. Nicely done.

If you'd like:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=788355
#7
Quote by streetcarp19
Stanza 5 I thought was a little out of place within the flow of the piece. The feeling throughout was how happy you were back then, careless and worry-free, not about how poor your family was, cause a lot of times kids rarely don't realize such things until a much older age, cause that is all they are acustom to. Other than that, I thought this had a really nice, refreshing feel to it, and had the word 'magic' in the last stanza which i though was pretty cool cause that's kind of a symbol for our obliviousness at those ages. Nicely done.

If you'd like:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=788355


This piece is looking back retrospectively and as such i add in components which i may have realised at a later date, that said i was quite aware as a child, it doesn't take too much too figure out times are tough when you have five siblings and your father is working three jobs. I wanted to add that particular part in to keep the piece grounded, it wasn't about being away in the clouds but sometimes wanting to go back to simpler times even if there are sacrifices to be made.

I appreciate your input. I'll take a look at yours sometime soon.